Finally decided to leave - is it the rightone???

[MissIreland]

(already posted this on the Divorce/Separation thread but advised to put on here too)

I've been married for 19 years and have 2 sons 17 & 16.

My husband can be very controlling/jealous/insecure. The reason i'm still with him is he can also be loving/romantic/funny - I think that if things were a tiny bit better I wouldn't go at all or if they were a tiny bit worse the decision would have been easier to make ages ago.

I don't want to describe his behaviour as emotional abuse, but there are certainly elements of that in what he does. The latest episode occured after an argument we had on 17th June (it's normal for couples to argue, right?). I lost my temper but after about 10 minutes calmed down and apologised for my behaviour and what I said. He refused to acept my apology and despite me trying to smooth the waters several times - last night was the first time he spoke to me - 2 weeks of silence because I argued with him!!

This is a pattern that has been repeated over and over again throughout the years of our marriage. I was leaving once before when the kids were little, but they were so upset that I didn't and made them a promise that i'd never leave without them. Our finances are such that I have never been in a position to leave with them and my OH has refused to seperate whilst living together and put the house up for sale. Making the best of a bad job seemed the only option - and believe me I have tried to make things work.

Anyway - now the boys are older, I feel I can leave on my own but get somewhere close so that they can come and go as they please - I've worked out the finances and think my OH could afford to stay in our house without my wages (he built it so is more emotionally attached to the building than me).

Last night was bad as I was really upset (possibly because I had been thinking all day about leaving) and my elder son came to ask if there was anything he could do - my boys are under no illusion about how hard their dad is to live with - and I ended up telling him what I planned. He was really upset but said he knew it was the right thing to do as they'd been talking about it between themselves and even at their young ages they know that things can't continue.

I'm devestated though - a part of me still loves my husband although I realise that it's not enough and it seems so pathetic to walk out on a marriage just because "i've had enough".

any advice????

Please be careful about what you tell your children before their father! Whether they agree or not I think the emotional burden is too much of a burden for a teenager.

Having "had enough" is a perfectly valid reason to leave. Do you need someone else to tell you that it's OK to go if you can't put up with this situation any longer? All right then, I'll be that person if your own children's feelings aren't a compelling enough reason to believe it yourself.

Make plans. Just go.

Make an appointment with a solicitor, you are married and have rights to stay in the home and other things.

Just go with your gut instinct, and what your children are feeling.

You know what's right, don't waste any more time.

Quitelikely I know what you mean and I do worry about having said too much to a 17 yr old - but when my OH refuses to engage in conversation it's very difficult not to be encouraged by someone who will. I will have to insist he listens to me tonight.

unrealhousewife I don't especially want to stay in the home and I feel that if I do things will be temporarily resolved and in the end nothing will change. If I want things to be different and a different outcome, I have to act in a different way. I will definitely get soemthing in writing about my entitlement to 50% of the value of the house, but I can afford to rent in the short term and I think that will give us both some breathing space.

Not sure why I need my decision to be validated - perhaps too long in this relationship has clouded my ability to trust my own judgement!!!

I think you've been more abused than you think.
Our finances are such that I have never been in a position to leave with them and my OH has refused to separate whilst living together and put the house up for sale
This speaks volumes. Of course you could leave, he just made you believe you couldn't.

Not talking to you for 2 weeks!!! That is stonewalling at its best. Look it up and you'll see that this is an awful form of abuse.

Of course you should get away from him. He sounds feckin' awful to live with.
I hope in the 2 weeks of not talking that you didn't do his washing or cooking or shopping etc...?
If you did then, stop doing that the next time he stonewalls you.

You are unhappy. You have been for years. You don't need any justification for wanting to end this.

You just end it because you want to.

Make sure you get legal advice though. Some solicitors offer a free half hour consultation, so get that sorted out.

You deserve some space, peace and happiness now.
Time to put YOU first!

I'm right there with you Miss! If you can afford to rent just do it.

You might need the house to be sold anyway, I know that if you want to claim benefits they would enforce a sale of the house within 6 months or you lose it.

Look up co-dependency, it's what happens when we have been in a damaging relationship for years, we adapt our behaviour, one of the obvious consequences is self doubt and not knowing what you want.

Don't worry about your sons. This will give them some peace.

You owe yourself (and your children) the chance to have a decent life without this abusive man in it. I also think you have been abused for many years and as a result you yourself have come to minimise it and accept it as your lot in life. You state that you love your H but this is really no mutually loving relationship is it?. You've also been unhappy for years. Enough is enough and the line needs to be drawn in the sand.

You are certainly an ideal candidate for the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as such men can take a long time, years even, to recover from. He will likely too make any separation from him as drawn out and protracted as possible so you need to make plans to leave and stick to them to the letter.

I would suggest you talk to Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and make plans asap to leave this evil minded individual who has made your life (and that of your childrens as well) for so long. This is not the role model they should be learning about relationships from.

It sounds very clear that you are making the right decision for you. Your boys will very likely enjoy seeing you in your own place being happier.

How do you think your H will react? Will he accept it or be difficult?

Codependency often features in these types of relationships so I would also suggest you now read "Codependent No More" written by Melodie Beattie.

You cannot ever make a relationship work on your own.

I would also suggest you read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft because your H is certainly within those pages as well.

No man is above the law, remember that as well.

I think my husband will be very difficult - as I said we have been through this cycle many times before so naturally he will be expecting the outcome that he's had many times before.

He must be as unhappy as me but he will fight for me to stay and say all the right things, and at the point of him saying them I truly believe he means it. But time has proven that no matter how much he thinks wants to change in that moment, he either doesn't really or is incapable and I just don't trust him anymore.

I don't believe he's a bad person, he clearly has a lot of issues though but I can't sort them out for him.

Anyway - once a decision is made it's time to act - going to view a flat this afternoon. It won't be ready until September but it's a start!!!

That's fantastic. Rooting for you.

The flat was pants!!!

Anyway we had the "talk" which went for hours and resulted in nothing I haven't heard before - however, I did discover that No.7 extreme length waterproof mascara is definitely waterproof - so there's a positive!!

My OH wants one more "one more chance", he was genuinely upset but I felt very detached from it all. The timing is all rubbish too as we already have a holiday booked at the end of this month (last years holiday was horrendous and I wouldn't have booked at all this year but we meet friends and I am looking forward to spending time with them).

So now I'm wavering (a) If I say yes will i really be giving it one more chance or just pronlonging the inevitible (b) if I say yes but don't believe it's going to work am I just stringing him along and giving him false hope (I'm up front and don't like paying games) (c) If I say no, am I cutting my nose off to spite my face and creating an even worse atmosphere for my kids while I find somewhere to live.

He suggested us going for counselling - I said no cos we've been before and it made no difference, but might change my mind as a 3rd party saying what I'm saying might make him believe it more - as I believe he doesn't think I'm serious.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for divine intervention or a lottery win to create some catlyst that is easier to act on!!!

Hi OP,
Sounds like you've done a good job raising your sons so you can leave if you want without guilt on their part.
I would try counselling. At least then you know you've tried everything, and if it doesn't help you stay together it will help you be clearer about the reasons to leave.

Counselling could be useful to negotiate an amicable split too. I understand Relate et al do a pretty good job at maintaining civil contact during a split so you could go along with that kind of mindset if you think (c) is the best option.

Although there's always the issue of whether you should attend counselling with an abuser anyway. May be that's your call.

I would tell him either he or you goes on the holiday but not both. That will be a good time for one of you to sort things out at home and the other to have some space.

Regarding counselling, have it to negotiate the split rather than to give it one more try. Been there, done that.

I think if you start negotiating and discussing you won't do it.

Sorry about the flat, where are you looking?

And see a solicitor.

At home, he clearly thinks all is well on the way to being ok.... I'm so angry. ... feel like nothing I said on Wednesday meant anything at all. Want to broach it but won't as he's watching footy with a drink and I know I won't get a rational response. ..aarrggghhhhhh.... Why is it that men can be such arrogant self centred nobs.....

time to run a hot bath and spend an hour soaking.

No to counselling. A man thaat uses well defined and recognised abusive tactics like stone walling, financial control among others will manipulate the counsellor to hurt/abuse you further.

Please don't leave your young men with this man, they'll only learn from him.

Get advice, see if you can't divorce him and take the house as part settlement.

In his eyes, you had your little tantrum, and he's given you a pat on the head, so now you have no right to expect anything but what's normal for him.

He won't change. Leaving him is the only option. But see if you can make him leave legally.

I see he's brought up counselling again - you've been before and it made no difference last time. He has and will use that as another stick to beat you with. Start instead making plans to live your life without him in it day to day. You need decent legal advice and a new life post separation.

I doubt very much that your sons want you to stay with this person at all and perhaps wonder of you why you have stayed to date; they've seen and heard more than enough already.

Sorry I just read the part where you said you wanted your DSs to stay in the house with him.

You have every right as their main carer and his husband to get him to leave the house. No matter that he built it. He only managed to build it because you were looking after his children. You put as much work in as he did.

I would go with others who say to get a solicitor and get him out.

The solicitor might have some other ideas about how to make it work so that you can leave with your sons.

I do think sometimes that controlling men use buildings as a way of physically blocking their victims, hoarders as well. It's just a theory but I see it as a bit like locking you into his castle.