Kick some sense into me please

[peacoat]

I'm in one of those "we're not really going out, just spend all our time together and act like we are going out, including sex at times" relationships. We were in a proper relationship for over a year until about 4 months ago. We have separated because he's an alcoholic and goes on benders, spends all his money and is broke (and so I end up paying for things) and he needs to sort this out before I could consider setting up a life with him.

He is genuinely very soft and sweet. Frankly, a bit too wet sometimes - definitely not an alpha male, but this is what I like about him. He's kind to me and supportive. My friends think he's great, which he is, in some ways.

However, a few weeks ago I found an email to someone on some dodgy sex meetup website with a picture of him and one of his cock (eugh) which I asked him about and he denied, looking very confused about how it could possibly have gotten there. However, I also noticed this morning on his phone (I snooped, not great I know, but a symptom of this weird setup) and he was arranging to meet up with a nurse he met a few weeks ago when he had to go to hospital for an injury. So he'd obviously asked for her number when he was there. We're not in a relationship and he isn't getting much sex from me, so in a way this isn't necessarily cheating, but on the other hand, it feels like a betrayal.

During this time, he's been all "I really love you, I'd do anything for you, I need to sort myself out, I'm just not ready to lose you yet". This started to make me feel guilty about wanting to move on as it would hurt him. We spend about 3 evenings a week and all weekends together. We are kind of friends who are too intimate. I really don't understand his behaviour though - if it was just sex I'd understand tbh, but asking someone out just doesn't fit with how he presents as a kind, genuine guy who would do anything for anybody.

Fark I am properly pathetic. I know what answer I'm expecting but I just need external validation. I need to dump and move on don't I? I'm scared of hurting him (although I am reading Codependent No More thanks to MN, as I think this is an influencing factor) and also I spend most of my time with him and without him I'd get lonely, at least in the short term.

Right - give it to me please. Tell me the honest, ugly truth.

He wants someone to put up with him, and look after him. He'd accept you doing that if you want, but if not then anyone else would do just as well.

It's not 'cheating' because you've agreed that's the way this works. But you're not happy about it because frankly he wants to have his cake and eat it, and you've worked out that you're just one more slice of cake on the table.

You're not in a relationship. You're not friends. While you are putting up with this 'no mans land' you are missing out on having a life and a proper relationship.

Time to move on. If that hurts him, well maybe that'll be the wake-up call he needs to see that he has to sort himself out. Or not. Either way, it's not your responsibility.

Leave, before it gets worse.

Cock shots don't appear online randomly he put them there.

He's using you. Why wouldn't he want to be your friend? He is basically treating you like a hotel/sex/companion type if thing as and when it suits him. He's got it nice and cosy.

I would quite like a setup like that myself!

Wow you see this situation even worse than I do. Good to hear other perspectives because I don't like to discuss this with friends in real life.

To be honest I'd say we are using each other for companionship.

I am aware that I'm missing out on a proper relationship whilst I'm with this guy. Still feels a bit scary to just cut it off without a specific trigger. He's not officially cheating, but he's not being honest with me either.

I don't suppose you ever accidentally send dodgy emails attaching pics of your lady parts to randoms on adult websites...? No? So he knew full well what he was doing. You're not officially in a relationship and have sex infrequently. He continues drinkng, and isn't too proud to have you pay for things. You and he are not 'going anywhere' and now you know he is on the hunt so he will drop you without compunction as soon as he hooks up with a new partner.

Loneliness in an unfulfilling partnership is as empty a feeling as being partner-less. I don't think you gain anything from humouring him and turning a blind eye to his attempts to get out.

Book a weekend away by yourself or with anyone but him. Start making arrangements for the evenings. Buy tickets for events, book yourself late appointments, break the cycle of spare time with him.

I would disregard his words and judge him by his actions, which it sounds like you are not happy with.

Can you boost your social life in any way so you don't need his company?

Oddly enough Donkey, I have never accidentally sent dodgy emails. Weird how that sometimes happens then eh?!

You're right. He would probably like to be friends/companions but have the freedom to see other people. And frankly, that's what I would like too.

I suspect that if we stayed as friends we'd grow apart over time because we don't necessarily have a lot in common.

I do really need to fill up my evenings and weekends. Maybe this is the time to go to the gym regularly! I enjoy events and concerts and plays, but I just find it quite lonely to go to events etc on my own or with people I don't know very well.

It's easy to slip into things because it's easy and convenient. And if he wasn't looking for more, then maybe you could both just drift along like this indefinitely.

But he is looking for more, whether that's just more sex or for someone who will look after him. And when he finds someone prepared to be that, your convenient companion won't be as available any more. Better to redefine this on your terms rather than his. The more you go out and get involved in things, the more chances of meeting people, whether that's a relationship or just friends and acquaintances who you share an interest with.

Your social life is on hold while you have this easy option, and there's no future in it.

Yes he is looking for more. I don't think he wants to admit it but he obviously is.

I need to think about how to redefine this so that it works for me - I don't want to lose his companionship because at least for now, it means a lot to me. But I definitely need to break the tight connection.

And you are so right in saying that my social life is on hold while this situation exists. It really is.

You need to work on your own self more and of you want to heal properly this man is going to have to be gone from your life completely.

What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up - did you yourself have an alcoholic parent as a child?. How is it that you hooked up with such a deadbeat, you certainly need to ask yourself that question and honestly as well.

I think you need to keep reading Codependent No More as well as actually going to some Codependent Anonymous meetings. Codependency often features in relationships where alcohol is a factor (as is the case here). You do realise that you cannot rescue and or save someone who does not want to be rescued and or saved. Why are you putting his needs and wants above yours?. You also learnt co-dependency from somewhere as well most likely a parent.

He likes having you around because you are convenient and an easy fallback for him. He is basically dragging you down with him and sadly you have allowed him to do that to you to date. If your self esteem was not through the floor to start with it certainly is now.

I'm missing out on a proper relationship whilst I'm with this guy

Aside from the clear deficiencies of this man, what you said above is it. Because the thing is, he's not curtailing his options by being with you is he? So why are you affording him exclusivity at the expense of your own needs ... I've probably not worded that very well, i just got irritated at the outrageous inequality of your situation.

It all sounds a bit pointless, really ... sorry, that seems harsh *wince

What are you accepting this for yourself?

Oh God, Attila - I always respect your posts but this one really hits home. My parents aren't alcoholics but my mum has narc tendencies (I'm usually the golden child), is constantly verbally abusive to my dad who in turn has made me emotionally responsible for him. I have very little contact with my parents (live abroad) but I'm definitely still in the FOG. For years, even a quick innocent phone call to my dad would make me either furious or cry.

Deep down I feel like he is a deadbeat but then I feel a wave of guilt about thinking of him in that way, so it's interesting you called him that. He is definitely dragging me down. It's so exhausting worrying about him and trying desperately to get him to live his life in a better way (I'm just being honest here, I know this is not healthy and I don't condone it, but I still do it). I feel held back from flourishing in my own life, and yes, I'm losing confidence.

I didn't know there were Codependent Anonymous meetings. I'm going to look them up.

tipsy that's a damn good question. I don't want to hurt him by getting involved with anyone else.

Thing is, and I don't want to sound like I'm not listening - but in his day to day interactions he's a gentle sweetheart. This is what is confusing to me. I need to dig deeper as to why I'm in this situation, and why leaving terrifies me.

Shit just read the codependents checklist on the CODA website and it's made me cry. It's me all over.

My local meeting is on tonight. Shit.

He doesn't seem to mind hurting you, though, does he?

I can see that it's tricky to break out of patterns you learned growing up - it does sound as if some support on that would be a real help to you, at least in understanding what the pattern is and why you find it such an easy one to fall into.

If you don't feel you can break with him completely, can you at least move him onto 'friend' footing instead of not-quite-relationship? So build up the rest of your life, don't rely on him. And, IME stop the sex. Some women can manage sex without strings, but for most it's too intertwined in their minds and hearts, and you don't sound the sort of person who is confident enough in themself for it to ever be 'just' sex.

Sounds like you're going out tonight then! Go for it, talk to people who can understand and help.

Yep looks like I'm out tonight already! One step closer to independence.

The meeting is a scary thought, as I don't know what to expect and for fuck's sake, I'm the helper, not the one needing help! Got all afternoon to mentally gear myself up for it though.

Thanks for your kind words. I honestly thought I'd get a flaming for being so pathetic.

Thought that was the case; co-dependency is often learnt and from one or other parent.

Go to the meeting tonight and keep going to them weekly. It will help you no end. You will meet other people and from all walks of life.

Be brave Peacoat. You will do yourself a huge favour if you go to the meeting.

Peacoat

You may want to read this as well:-

www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-legacy-distorted-love/201108/do-i-have-be-nice-people-who-are-mean-me

Also read the website entitled Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

Goodness Attila. That link is bang on. I've been brought up to 'turn the other cheek' and 'love others more than you love yourself' which is a sinister twisting of the original intention of 'do unto others'. So much so, that when I read the link I initially concluded it wasn't right, and had to stop and think it through from a few different angles to critique it.

Daughters of Narc Mothers I trawled years ago when I realised what Mum was like. Worth a revisit. Oddly I worry more about the abuse my dad gets rather than the effect on me (codependent, moi?!)

I'm going to suck it up and be brave tonight. The more I think about it the more I realise I learnt this behaviour from Dad - I think he is codependent and taught me that it was the morally right thing to do. Lots to read, think about and unravel.

Does anyone know what it is called when a parent (or anyone I guess) uses you merely as an object to fulfil their emotional needs?