Attitude of partner to illness

[thalassa]

How common is this? My partner is useless when I'm sick. He's not remotely sympathetic, can often be actively hostile, and certainly doesn't help me or try to make me feel better, except in quite a half hearted way if I point out to him that he's being an arse. I know part of it is that he's very black and white, so unless I have an exact diagnosis from a doctor, with prognosis and aetiology (!), he gets frustrated and angry. But I tend to wait and try to figure out if I should go to the doctor or not, some things pass in 24 hrs and don't need medication, but are just as painful and unpleasant as diagnosed illnesses. I know he thinks I'm being a drama queen if I complain, but if I don't complain and try to get on with it and he catches me wincing or something he gets cross as well.

But, when he's unwell, I look after him, bring him stuff and make sure he has medication, and he is very quick to let me know all about it! He calls me a hypochondriac, but I truly don't think I am, I don't get sick much. But when I do he seems to either think I'm pretending, creating drama, or doing it to annoy him.

I just can't fathom this "getting angry" and "hostility", seriously, he's supposed to love and care for you, is this "normal" for you? It's anything but; it sounds to me like he perceives you getting ill as a threat to him being your number one priority; god forbid you have to divert any of your attentions to yourself before him.....he sounds like a little boy stamping his foot......in a very controlling way. Hope you are ok xx

Have you a longstanding condition that flares up or are these random occurrences?

Assuming you don't adopt a martyrish air when not feeling 100% he doesn't sound very supportive. If his parents were of the "carry on take an aspirin" variety he probably didn't grow up with any pattern of sympathetic behaviour to model his actions on.

Your mistake is to administer to him when he is off-colour or sick. It's a nice little gesture when someone close to us is unwell but in this case when he doesn't reciprocate I'd leave him to his own devices in future.

I have to admit, I'm not particularly sympathetic either when my OH is ill but I will certainly look after him.
Get him medicine, tea in bed etc....

Your OH sound like an arse.
I hope he has other redeeming features.

Next time he's ill, make it clear that you will be treating him exactly as he does you when you are ill.
And do nothing for him at all.

I can understand it in one sense. It is annoying if someone prefers to whinge and whine rather than see a doctor and get treatment. However, if the behaviour carries on even after you've got a diagnosis I'd say he was behaving abnormally and very selfishly. The only reason I can think of for someone to react that way - besides a complete lack of care or compassion - would be if the sick person normally provided some kind of service and they were cross that it was interrupted. Is that how he sees you, do you think?.... a servant that has no right to take time off for illness?

He's showing you his personality OP, his character and it aint a good one, don't expect that to change.

Personally I couldn't be with a man like that, he sounds positively cruel.

All the examples I have ever heard of this behaviour and my own experience all point to abuse. For some reason they just can't stand you showing any weakness. It is like you stop being what they expect you to be. Suddenly the ball park changes and they don't understand the script. The main focus becomes getting things back to normal ASAP. Fear of abandonment perhaos?

I can relate to this. My DH is a wonderful, caring, generous partner but pretty crap when I'm ill, or he had been in the last. When I'm ill I want abit if love and sympathy and he just acts annoyed with me. I know why though. He wants to fix my problems. If I'm ill he can't fix it so he gets annoyed. His attitude is that I should take something for the pain and go to bed and stop moaning because he can't do anything about it.

What he doesn't realise is that giving me a cuddle and a bit if sympathy is what I need when I'm ill. I don't expect him to fix it.

JDD

I don't think your analysis of your DH is right at all. What if you were seriously ill? Would he adopt the same attitude?

Jesus, OP, he's a real prince among men.

When we get ill, the deal is sympathy+2 bacon sandwiches per day+as much quiet time as you need. Check for breathing every hour. In return: no whining, one vertical foot of ironing per day if mobile, no crumbs in bed.

Mind you, I think my friend went a bit far with "chemotherapy doesn't let you off cooking dinner".

Thalassa, I have two practical suggestions.

Next time you're ill, don't expect anything from him. And don't do anything - no cooking, no washing up, no washing clothes, no reminding of things, nothing.

Next time he's ill, don't do anything. No sympathy, no drinks, no medicine. If he needs medicine, he gets it from the cabinet / box. If there's none in the house, he goes to the pharmacy.

If he asks for an explanation of any of this, give him one.

And by the way, you're quite right about not going to the doctor straightaway. Many minor things do clear up on their own. If they haven't cleared up in a couple of days, that's when you go to the GP. Doesn't mean you don't feel crap in the meantime.

My DH isn't very sympathetic when I'm ill to the point of refusing to take time off work and leaving me at home with a baby and a toddler and severe tonsillitis (to the point the bedcovers hurt me and my gums swelled up) but is a complete martyr when he has a cold or a hangover or something so I don't pander to him anymore. That is left to him mum.

I dont really understand why this difference in behaviour between you and him is a recurring theme. Surely you wouldn't go round the loop of 'him hostile to you when you are ill; him whingey and expecting nursing when he is ill' more than a couple of times - with you challenging him on the contrast and him not changing his ways - before you would simply stop pandering to him when he feels ill? Is there a reason you haven't done that?

Hmmm, I have 2 reoccurring health problems, ( migraine and kidney/ bladder infections) and if either flares up dh knows the drill and is great.
But if we both have colds, his is worse .
BUT he has never been annoyed or aggressive over someone else being ill, that would concern me.