Bloody mother

[Heels99]

I am NC with my mother who,lives at opposite ends of country. Long history, tried counselling, made it worse. MNetters wisely advised me to go NC ( have name changed since then) which I did 2.5 years ago. She still has telephone and post contact with dcs but hasn't seen them in that time. She can see them if she wants to, but she won't come and see them she wants me to take them to her which I will not do. She sometimes sends me long letters, sometimes ranting sometimes trying to make peace. I don't reply.
We had a big party at weekend which obviously she wasn't invited to. No other family came as couldn't make it.
My dd told dm on the phone about the party, was on speakerphone and I could hear what dm said. Dm firstly asked who else was there from family (answer, nobody), then said "well , I didn't come as I wasn't invited". I am pissed off that she said this to a 6 year old child who wasn't responsible for the invite list. Dd didn't seem bothered. Should I continue to ignore or should I email her asking her not to talk crap to the dcs. She regularly makes nasty comments on phone about things e.g they say they like pink, she says well I think pink stinks etc. you get the picture.

So wise MNetters you helped me go NC , should I continue to ignore or tell her if she continues with the comments we won't be answering the phone to her.

She's not exactly a positive energy in your dcs lives either, is she?

Do they have a chuckle together on the telephone? Is there ever anything lovely between them?

Does she phone them? Or do you instigate the calls?

Do your dcs like talking to her? Have you asked them how they feel about it?

I would call less and less if you're doing the calling.

I don't think I'd make much effort to maintain the GM/GC relationship really and would let that slide slowly too.

i am NC with my mother, part of the reason is because of the fact i dont want her to do to my kids what she did to me, if you are NC there is obviously a reason and surely that reason is precisly why she should be NC with the grand kids too?
i have been NC then got back in touch due to having DS1, NC again then back in touch now NC again

She calls them, sometimes we answer, sometimes we don't. Sometimes we call her as in I dial the number and pass the phone to dcs. I don't personally speak to her. She writes to them every week. She sends them pocket money every week and books, little toys, hair clips etc. they never suggest calling her. They do have nice chats and chuckles on the phone, she can be charming. The bitchy comments go over their heads at moment. They don't know I am NC with her.

My mum went nc with her mum to protect me. She was worried that her mum would be just as badly behaved with me.

Sounds like your mum is not behaving as you'd want with your child. Why let continue until she is old enough to pick up on it?

It seems for the most part the relationship is a nice one. Ask her not to mention things like the examples described above to the children. I think so far the relationship is beneficial to the children. Is she not just being humourus when she says pink stinks? Sound like a joke to me. If someone said it to my dd I would see the funny side iyswim

She was not a good parent to you and is she a poor role model of a grandparent to your children.

They do not benefit at all from having any sort of contact with her and you yourself maintain a position of no contact with your mother. That stance now needs to be applied to the rest of your family unit.

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate first hand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different — instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.

You are the adult here and its your job amongst many to protect them from such malign influences like your mother. She's trying to buy their affection as well; such gifts are never sent in such cases without obligation and other conditions attached.

If you also are “no contact” with your parents, it is important to keep in mind that if they are too toxic for you, they are FAR too toxic for your vulnerable and defenseless children.

Quitelikely apart from completely missing the point has missed or ignored the fact that the OP is herself no contact with her mother so she is not going to start any sort of conversation with her mother anyway (and for good reason).

This is in no way a nice and equal two way relationship at all. How on earth can this relationship be at all beneficial to these children if she keeps making nasty comments on the phone to them. These children should not be exposed to such crap role models.

Heels - I would also suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages if you have not already done so.