WWYD about this friend?

[INeedABiggerBoat]

Can't go into too many details in case I out myself, but here goes:

Been good friends for about 7 years. She is trying to get a foot into the industry I work in. She also has mental health problems and, while she doesn't have a malicious bone in her body she is extremely high maintenance and often does thoughtless things, and is mortified when called out on them.

I have been trying to help her with work as much as possible, and recently mentioned her to one of my bosses, who gently said we couldn't hire her. I have just discovered that she has contacted all my bosses directly asking for work and strongly implying that I advised her to do so. I am both mortified and furious.

I am at the end of my tether with her - this is the latest in a long line of selfish, thoughtless acts. My DH did a lot of work for her for free - think thousands of pounds worth of work - to help her out and she has treated him like staff about it - when I told her that her behaviour was unacceptable she apologised profusely and sent us a gift to say sorry, but this feels like the last straw.

WWYD? The only thing stopping me from just cutting her out of my life is that she does have MH problems and genuinely isn't malicious or vindictive in any way... but I feel incredibly used over this.

What help is she getting for her MH issues?

She has a psychiatrist on 24/7 call and goes to meetings for other people with the same MH issues. She is very on top of treatments but has had a very tough life because of it.

If I were you I'd stop helping her in her career and let her work it out herself. Just be a regular friend to her, someone who listens to her chat and talks over her life with her. Don't try to fix things for her any more. She is an adult and has to run her own life.

Having MH problems doesn't mean you have to like her. Thoughtless behaviour may not be deliberately malicious or vindictive but, if it's screwing up your life, you should reject it. Sometimes apologies are not enough.

Somebody having MH problems doesn't give them the right to use your name and suggest you recommended them.

I'd be distancing myself from her for this reason.

...especially if hearing things from your company is the first you'd heard of it and she'd not even mentioned to you that she'd be approaching your company.

I'd be more concerned for yourself how well do your bosses know you ?

If well then it's a passing comment that you didn't suggest she ring round

If not then a group email formally distancing yourself

She's bad news even with MH issues she would still be able to see what's piss taking and what's not coupled with the fact she obviously hasn't thought a jot about you in the process

Distance would really be good or you'll end up with a damaged reputation

mh issues are not a get-out clause for unacceptable behaviour, neither should she be able to hide behind them.

She clearly has support from professionals etc so I would be inclined to distance myself from her entirely and tell her why. expressing mortification after the event just isn't good enough - she needs to realise that she is responsible for her behaviour and that if she doesn't do something about it she will be responsible for the consequences.

she has mh and she's getting help and support.

but you're enabling her bad behaviour by covering / helping her. sounds like it's time she started taking responsibility and understanding that her actions have consequences. no, i have no experience so don't have insight.

i just think it's not your job to act as a mother to her. i do think it's time to distance yourself.

and i would also let your bosses know that you did not encourage her to contact them. she is WAAAYY out of line.

Thank you for all your responses. I haven't been at this job for long (it's my dream job), I've worked really hard here and just got a promotion so this really could have damaged my reputation. Luckily I've just apologised to my colleagues and they've been very chilled about it.

I will distance myself from her- in 2 minds on whether to tell her why as I've pulled her up on things in the past and it obviously hasn't made any impact. We are also both part if a fairly close friendship group and I don't want to make things awkward for the remainder who still have time for her.

Have just realised there's a chance she's used my name with the many other industry contacts I've built up over the years- I have no idea how to ask her about this but think I have to do damage control if she has.....

It's rare to find people without a malicious bone in them.

If her negative behaviour ONLY comes out in stressful situations then maybe give her leer way because of her MH issues.
Finding a job can be stressful and people will do desperate things just to get a foot in.
It won't tarnish your reputation because it will not be the first time someone approached your boss. Maybe have a word with her about calling people using your name.

As for the friendship, try not to help her with things and just be friends.

if i were hiring someone and they said 'ineedabiggerboat told me to contact you', the first thing i would do would be to check it out with you.

at which point you say 'no i didn't authorise her to use my name'.

if they don't double check with you they aren't doing due diligence and on their head be it.

just make sure that when someone does ask you, you distance yourself. don't back up her lies.