"Why don't abusive men let women leave?"

[Elizabeth1984]

I saw this question in a thread recently and it totally clarified everything for me. I've actually left my abusive husband twice. I'm back with him now through necessity rather than choice and no matter how many times I've 'asked his permission' he won't let me leave.

Basically I'm starting this thread now because I'm determined to do it no matter what. Considerations are that we have two young children and I live far away from family and friends. I don't have a support network.

Both times I left before I rented a flat on my own. But because I had 2 children and no money I ended up back with him.

I can't face looking for a place again and I'm not going into a shelter because he's not violent. I'm just wanting support and wonder if I should talk to my doctor about it?

Would you consider going in to a shelter for a short while. You can be honest with them. But I think if you go to a shelter you're 'in the system' which is good. They could move you along to the next stage quite quickly. I think that's indicative of 'our situation'. At the time, I thought I would have been taking the help that was out there away from somebody that really needed it. I only saw after I left that I had really needed help to get away. Violence is not the only abuse.

I do understand, believe me, it took me two goes at leaving. such a waste of precious energy. he was the same. I asked if we could split up and he roared back at me "the hell we will split up". why won't they let their partners leave? well, my x enjoyed a very privileged position in the household. I walked on eggshellls around him, I did everything, all the childcare, all the cooking and shopping and he was an asshole to me. That was an excellent coping mechanism for an angry selfish lazy man.

Next time, prepare well and make sure that when you leave it's for ever.

Because they are dependent on the victim. Abusing you is how he gets his kicks and makes him feel good about himself. He needs to treat you badly to feed his self esteem.

Definitely talk to your doctor about it and get counselling either through them or with a specialist in domestic abuse via Women's Aid.

Social services would also help you.

He'll never give you permission, and you don't need it.

You have left twice and gone back because you might be hoping for a fairy take ending. You don't need his permission to leave. Your children are learning everyday about your relationship and it sets the boundaries etc for their own relationships when they're adults. Please try to keep that in mind. I'm certain your own husband witnessed similar behaviour to the sort he is dishing out to you when he was growing up.

What Twinkle said ... he needs you to suffer at his will ... he aches for it.

How would his permission change anything in terms of what you desire to do? You've left twice and said you returned through necessity. How was that? I know it's no easy walk and support is very contrary, often totally absent ... but you left twice. Could three be your magic number?

It would take ages for him to train up another victim.

Abuse is about control and entitlement. He believes he has the right to control you, he enjoys it, it gratifies him, and he doesn't believe you have the right to withhold that from him.