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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

why does this effect me so much? (may trigger) can you hold my hand?

19 replies

soupoftheday · 01/07/2014 18:01

i was sexually abused as a child and my parents didnt believe me....but it was a very long time ago...40 years ago in fact....i have had abusive relationship after abusive relationship...not short ones- the longest one was 10 years....i have a successful career and lovely children....the only relationship i have had broke up about 5 months ago because he didnt love me anymore.....all of the stories in the press (saville, lee-travis, harris etc.) have completely destroyed me....its the comments from people saying its a witch hunt...or "why come forward after so long? it must be for compensation" i am really really struggling....why? how can i move beyond this? i have never ever felt so bad.... i feel completely worthless...even my husband didnt think i was worth staying with..

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something2say · 01/07/2014 18:13

You are worth staying with. Can you go to your GP and ask to be referred for someone to talk to?

Also seriously watch what you take in. What you read, hear and say to yourself.

You are worth something.
It was not your fault.
We believe you.
Jimmy saville was a dangerous man and there are many others like him out there.

X

holeinmyheart · 01/07/2014 18:23

Of course you are worth a lot ! Despite what has happened to you, you have a successful career and most of all lovely children whose lives you have not ruined by being a disgusting pervert. You deserve a medal and a win on the lottery, in my book. I don't know you but I admire you and love you for being a survivor. However, we can't all get out of deep holes by ourself and you may need to see a GP about your feelings of despair. You can get counselling on the NHS and CBT, go and make a scene at the Surgery, you deserve all that is available.

soupoftheday · 01/07/2014 18:24

thank you somethng...i have just started counselling...the worst thing was when my mam and my sister(who know what happened to me...and my sister is a social worker) were saying that its not fair to judge men today for things they did many years ago because it was a different time then and what was acceptable then isnt now.

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soupoftheday · 01/07/2014 18:25

thank you hole....i just feel so worthless

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Glenshee · 01/07/2014 18:32

I was abused as a child and I believe that there is a window opportunity after the traumatic event when full recovery is possible. But if it's not dealt with for many years (like in my case, or yours), then the damage is far greater. Sometimes all you can do is accept the negative effects and work around them, rather than 'against' them. By all means you need professional help and support now, because even if it doesn't help you recover fully, it is likely to help you to live with it!

Delphinegreen · 01/07/2014 18:40

Urrrrrrggggghhhh it makes me so mad some of the statements I've heard from people in response to these cases:

  • they are old men, poor old things.
  • why bring it up after so long.
  • just after compensation.

Made by ignorant people, I've heard older relatives say it and they come from a generation of don't talk about it, sweep it under the carpet age. Child protection is so high on the agenda these days. Doesn't matter how old or how 'important' perpetrator is they should be investigated/jailed.

Belittling to victims. A lot of people remain scared of being believed in cases where the perpetrator isn't famous let alone when someone is a public figure.

I'm not surprised you feel like this, it makes my blood boil and I haven't had an experience like yours.

I can't say anything more useful than you are quite right to feel like you do and what's going on in the news has been very emotive for you - why wasn't I believed etc.

I hope that you find some future peace with what happened in your past xxx

soupoftheday · 01/07/2014 18:41

glenshee i think you are right....i think the damage with me was my parents not believing me...they thought i had made it up....

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holeinmyheart · 01/07/2014 18:42

What !what ! your own sister and your Mother said that ? ... Can't believe they would say such an outrageous thing...but then I can because I have heard others say it. I don't agree. Come on Soup, here's some imaginary chocolate to cheer you up, it's your fav. Chocolate and a damn good weep do it for me. It doesn't make the bad things go away but it makes me feel better. Those wicked disgusting people such as Saville should never never ever be allowed to get away with it. In fact I wish Saville was alive to face the music. Anyway, he must at least be in hell, hopefully suffering horribly. Followed closely by your tormentors Soup!

soupoftheday · 01/07/2014 18:48

thank you hole....it must be turkish delight...my favourite.....the (my mam and my sister) just dont get it.....a few years ago i was in a psychotherapy group and my sster said to me "dont go blaming our parents for your problems....our childhood was perfect" she also said "why would you take advice from nutters?" and i thought "oh....she thinks i am a nutter...."

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soupoftheday · 01/07/2014 19:00

thank you delph

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Quitelikely · 01/07/2014 19:12

I'm so sorry for your experienced but please try not to let small minded people ruin your life. Instead let them motivate you to better it.

The attitude of your family towards your abuse is absolutely vile have you confronted them about it more recently to see if they have thought about their response and lack of empathy at the time?

holeinmyheart · 01/07/2014 19:18

My cousin, who had a truly awful abusive Mother from hell, as in beatings and verbal abusive still thinks her childhood was perfect. This is actually impossible as I witnessed her treatment. It is as though a shutter has come down in her brain. Sounds as though your DS is the same. But another cousin who also had a similar Mother from hell thinks hers was a hellish upbringing. Strange that. At least my siblings agree that our upbringing was abusive and nearly finished us off.

soupoftheday · 01/07/2014 19:24

i think that people have the history they can deal with....my mam and my sister cant deal with my truth.....so they have their own...

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captainmummy · 04/07/2014 16:29

That's how it normally goes, Soup. Can't actually face the truth, so invent a 'truth' they prefer, and it (mindfully or oterwise) becomes 'The Truth'.

Have you posted on here before about your dh breakup? Your posting style is very distinctive - and if you have, I remember your thread. Glad you have moved on from the place you were in then.

soupoftheday · 04/07/2014 19:00

yes i have captinmummy....thank you

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Appletini · 05/07/2014 03:15

i believe you and Im so sorry you weren't believed. Research has shown that your ability to recover from trauma like this hinges on whether you are supported and believed.

Why does it affect you now? Because trauma doesn't just go away. It hangs around and it hurts. Sexual abuse is one of the most destructive things anyone can do to another human being. And having lived through it, it's very hard, if not plain impossible, to go on to love in peace instead of in torment.

I find it sadly ironic that your sister is a social worker. Have you ever considered that, while she's claiming you had the perfect childhood, she's gone into social work to try to vicariously fix things by fixing other people's families?

People say stupid crap about victims being after the money as they're afraid to face up to the reality of how pervasive sexual abuse really is, they'd rather distance themselves from the reality, the repercussions and any idea that the victims are anything like them. People are often sympathetic for kids in newspapers but don't seem to grasp that wounded children grow into wounded adults.

You are not worthless. You were wounded in ways no human being ever should be. What you are experiencing right now is toxic shame - the belief that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. There's a poem about it called My Name is Toxic Shame, here's an extract:

"I came upon you when you were magical
Before you could know I was there
I severed your soul
I pierced you to the core
I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective
I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt
worthlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness
I made you feel different
I told you there was something wrong with you
I soiled your Godlikeness
MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME"

I'm glad you are having counselling. That shame isn't yours and should never have been given to you. You deserve to heal.

Deathraystare · 05/07/2014 08:04

Your sister is not much of a social worker if she thinks like that and to diss another profession. Shame on her.

The sort of people (your family included) who say things like "Why now?" "He's an old man" are the sort that don't believe it ever happend. Even if it occured in front of them then it must have been the victim's fault. Imagine if no one had gone after old Nazis! If you still want to have a realtionship with your mother and sister then next time they spout such nonsense tell them you will not tolerate such crap. You do not have to listen to that rubbish. I am disgusted at your sister. She obviously hasn't had much training. God forbid she has to deal with sexually damaged kids.

By the way no one has a 'perfect' childhood. I was not a perfect child, I did not have perfect parents. I was not abused.

captainmummy · 05/07/2014 09:47

Soup does it make you feel better, that these historical abusers are being jailed? I think that at least attitudes are being challenged - there certainly used to be a certain belief that these girls 'asked for it' 'threw themselves at these men' were 'wild child, bad girls' and that the poor men never stood a chance against them! :-( that sort of attitude needs to be challenged and changed, globally. People like your mum and mine (and most people of that generation) are heavily influenced by newspapers and pub talk , and the sooner the disgust comes down on men like saville and Harris, the better.

soupoftheday · 05/07/2014 13:13

thank you....yes it does make me feel better they are being punished

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