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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He's been in touch again ...

25 replies

Ladyfoxglove · 01/07/2014 13:26

I posted back in January about ending a long-term relationship with a none live-in boyfriend who was approaching stalker-ish levels of contact by not leaving me alone and accepting my decision to end things. At that time, He'd sent me dozens of FB messages, texts, e-mails, letters and kept 'popping over' to mine late at night to 'talk' and tell me what a nice guy he was and that I had let him down (as his parents and ex-wife did) by ending things. He even got his family to do the same (although his cousin did say that I'd done the right thing and that the behaviour was just the tip of the ice-berg).

I ended it because he was approaching bankruptcy while still having a bar bill at the local of £70 on tick most weeks, getting into fights at work, getting so drunk that he'd fall over and do himself harm and gambling once a week (at least) while studiously ignoring me whenever we were together (apart from making me tea, saying hello and saying goodbye). He put this down to stress and said that it was how he dealt with things. I pointed out that he took his 'stress' out on his family and me while being 'the lad' with his mates (all twenty or so years younger than him) and work colleagues, flashing the cash, partying etc.

I don't know what I'm asking or why I'm posting but I'm just so mad that he's sent another 'gift' and letter in the post, saying what a nice guy he is and that I'll always be someone special to him but I mustn't forget that I've let him down when he needed me most. I should say that apart from the (4 month) honeymoon phase, he was always in crisis with some problem going on.

I'm just so angry at a) him being in touch again and b) doing so in Mr nice-guy mode, saying it's all my fault.

I have to ignore it don't I. < fumes silently >

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/07/2014 13:28

I would be reporting this to the police now; he is still harassing you and yes this is serious enough to report him. Police generally take such behaviour far more seriously these days.

gamerchick · 01/07/2014 13:29

Yes you could ignore it or you could ask a policeman to have a quiet word in his ear.

Unexpected · 01/07/2014 13:30

Yes, you do have to ignore it. Why did you even open/read the letter and gift? It needed to go straight back to him (or into the bin) unread. I presume you have now blocked his number and he can't find you on FB? Is this the first contact in four months because if he is going to start up again you need to contact the police about his behaviour.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 01/07/2014 13:43

Report it to the police. He's harassing you and that's a crime.

Original poster

Ladyfoxglove · 01/07/2014 13:48

Yes, the police had a quiet word with him before.

I didn't know the letter/gift was from him as it came in a brown envelope with my name typed on the label so I opened it with all my other mail thinking nothing of it at first (I do a lot of mail order shopping and receive a lot of post). Yes, I've blocked his number and de-friended him on FB.

What an arse.

OP posts:

Unexpected · 01/07/2014 13:51

If the police have already asked him to stop contact, this is now harassment. Time to go back and make it more official.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/07/2014 13:56

Yes ignore him but call 101 and let them know what he's up to.
Every time - just log it with them.
What an utter arse.
You are well out of that one!

PajamaQueen · 01/07/2014 13:57

You need to go back to the police and tell them he's still harassing you despite their quite word. He obviously hasn't taken the hint from the kinder approach. Now something more legally binding has to be done before things escalate even further.

Original poster

Ladyfoxglove · 01/07/2014 20:02

Another trip to the police then.

Why do it though? (get in touch I mean?) and why start the letter by saying "Please don't be mad at me for getting in touch. I know you just want to be left alone and I don't want to become a pest..."

It must be attention seeking. Ah well. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:

SolidGoldBrass · 01/07/2014 20:07

He's doing it becaue he's a wanker. That's all. And, yes, let the police know. He has in fact committed a crime by trying to contact you when he has been told not to do so and, while they won't nick him yet, you will be able to get a non-molestation order against him and once that's been served, he will be arrested if he continues to harass you.

Original poster

Ladyfoxglove · 01/07/2014 20:14

You're absolutely right SGB - he is and he's putting on the 'poor me' front as well.

OP posts:

tribpot · 01/07/2014 20:26

Yes, my response was going to be: 'so you're asking why a self-obsessed, deluded arsehole is acting like a self-obsessed, deluded arsehole? The clue is in the question '

I love the fact he's contacted you despite a warning from the police, precisely to tell you it's your fault and you let him down. Er, so what? Why are you supposed to care about this?

Lucky escape.

SolidGoldBrass · 02/07/2014 00:43

Oh, and don't repy to him or return the gift. If it's something nice, keep it: otherwise either charity shop or Ebay. Even just sending it back is providing him with something he wants - a reaction.

(also, if he gets other people to pester you on his behalf, that also counts as harassment.)

BerylStreep · 02/07/2014 01:18

I haven't read the full thread, or indeed, your other thread, but your post resonates with me.

My ex BF from 20 years ago tried to use my family to make representations on his behalf, and for years he sent letters telling me that we were meant to be together, and I was making the biggest mistake of my life .

Coincidentally, I dreamt about him last night, really vividly, and it has disturbed me a bit.

If it has already been bad enough that police were previously involved, then I would be inclined to involve them again.

Sorry you are going through this. What an arse.

mimishimmi · 02/07/2014 04:13

Just don't reply and do inform the police too. Any communication with him, even to tell him he's not nearly as nice as he thinks he is and he's let himself down more than anyone, would only encourage him further.

AdoraBell · 02/07/2014 04:48

Absolutely tell the police and unless they say the gift is evidence, no idea why it would be but just in case they do, drop it off at a charity shop.

Don't respond in any way, it would feed his ego.

WildBillfemale · 02/07/2014 06:35

Send the gift back without any comment whatsoever. You've done your bit. You were clearly right to end it, he has major issues.

If it continues involve the police. They take stalking more seriously now than a few years ago, actually scrap that, go and talk to the police now, don't wait.

WildBillfemale · 02/07/2014 06:36

p.s He's not a nice guy and it's not your fault.

WildBillfemale · 02/07/2014 06:38

pps. You need to have no engagement. If you send the gift back don't even be tempted to write a few lines. It would be better if you sent stuff back unopened and unread.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 02/07/2014 06:44

Do you know what would really piss me off is the fact that he keeps telling you he is a nice guy. Even if he was the nicest guy in the world it would not give him an automatic right to be your partner. Guess what, even if someone is nice women still have the right to end a relationship if they are not feeling it.

He sounds dreadful op and the police are the only way to go.

pictish · 02/07/2014 06:48

I agree Lumpy - he is behaving like someone who has been denied something he has a right to.
He doesn't - you don't owe him a relationship any more than I do!

Ignore it completely.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 02/07/2014 06:58

I have had this a couple of times before myself.

"Will you go out with me"

"No thank you"

"But I'm nice, waily waily"

I even had one idiot tell me that lots of other blokes were abusive but not him, he was nice. Like you're supposed to feel lucky or something.

The whole thing gives me the rage and basically always boils down to women being perceived as objects and possessions to be earned instead of intelligent human beings who can make our own minds up.

Hissy · 02/07/2014 07:44

Every contact with him, log it with the police and tell them to tell him to stop or charges WILL be brought.

Caan you ask about a non molestation order? Contact Rights of Women for advice.

Joysmum · 02/07/2014 09:22

Any attention is good attention his eyes as it shows him he's still impacting on your life.

Please, don't even send the present back as this shows you've taken time thinking what to do and then done it.

If you ignore, he doesn't even know you received it and taking no action to return shows he does even 'deserve' to get the gift back in your eyes.

Ignore ignore ignore unless you go straight to the police

Original poster

Ladyfoxglove · 02/07/2014 10:13

I shall go down the 'ignore' route I think. I've given the 'gift' to charity. I can't remember who it was on my last thread but someone said exactly what lumpy has said - it's as if I should be grateful to have a 'nice' man want to be with me - as if that's all it takes and I should be bloody grateful that he's looked at me! forget the fuck-wittery, the gambling, the drunkenness, the punching walls, the bankruptcy and financial incompetency, he's nice so I should be thankful! It's been my experience that 'nice' men are often passive aggressive and only show their true colours when they don't get their own way.

OP posts:

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