Sex after childbirth. Feeling crap now...

[Namechange2345]

NC regular...
Baby is 3 months old and there's been very little sexual contact so far. I had a few stitches and was a bit worried about that, plus BF/ waking baby etc.

First PIV sex last night and he didn't finish... Now I'm feeling really rubbish as well as a bit sore. I've tried to talk to him about it but he has such a bloody repressed catholic attitude towards discussing sex (whole other long thread) that it goes nowhere.

I ended up lying awake all night going from cross that he won't discuss things to upset that my fanjo seems to be broken. Even trying to have full sex again was a massive deal for me and I thought that getting it over with would make me feel physically closer to him. Now I feel physically repulsive and like I'd rather not bother with sex again.

What do I do now?

you aren't repulsive and his inability to orgasm is probably more to do with worrying abut hurting you than anything else.

Did he struggle having sex prior to the pregnancy/childbirth?

Please try to not rush yourself or to blame yourself for anything. Is still very early days.

I'm sure it was just him feeling just as nervous and apprehensive as you about it, I mean who wants to hurt their partner. Just leave it a bit longer and try again.

Thanks all.

slugs I was up for it () and did enjoy it, but gutted that he didn't...

ROAR no previous issues. I had some unexplained bleeding during pregnancy, so no sex between 14-20something weeks. During that time I found out he'd used porn and went mental. To be fair, he didn't know how strongly I felt about porn use as it's never been an issue before, but it really shook me up at the time. There were a few occasions after that when he was worried about hurting me/baby, and so sex slowed right down but was still good when it happened.

madame far TMI, but he was going fairly hard at it but no result, so don't think it was that so much as reduced sensation...

Any chance that he didn't finish because he could tell it wasn't entirely comfortable for you ?

A decent bloke would stop if he was making you "sore" wouldn't he ?

Very early days too. Don't make this more than it needs to be.

Thanks AF, I know that's the case! but it feels like bloody ages now! and I want my sex life back!

Any tips on how to encourage him to talk to me about it? If I push the issue I know that he'll just tell me I'm wonderful and there's noticing wrong without actually answering my question...

Well, you know him best.

What's the rush, btw ?

Does the situation actually require a Big Talk ?

Wouldn't it be better to slow down a bit, take the pressure off and let things go back to normal at it's own pace ?

I am often a "confronter" in some situations but I don't see the need here

The rush is purely down to me, no pressure from him. I want that part of my life back really, this is my second child (first with him), and although I love doing the mummy stuff, I want a bit of "me" back. That, and I'm bloody horny!

I'm definitely a confronter and you're right, maybe it's not the right thing to do here...

Then don't rush the penetration aspect

You said you were "sore" afterwards. That's your body's way of telling you to slow it down.

Plenty of time to get your sex life back

Are you breastfeeding? Breastfeeding can really mess around with your oestrogen levels making you sore and dry. It can be painful for you and not entirely pleasant for your partner.

Your GP can prescribe oestrogen creams to help matters.

If he's not comfortable with talking about sex under normal circs, he's going to be even more reluctant at the minute after what happened last night.

He could be feeling a lot of things, possibly "failure" among them, so that's an area you might want to stay away from. I'm not sure that lack of sensation was the cause. Your body has been through trauma and he might have been conscious not wanting to cause any more. Lots of things come to mind and not all of them anyone's fault or not fixable given time.

PIV after only three months since childbirth and stitches! I'm full of admiration that you had the physical and mental energy for it. Some women see it as a minor victory to get bathed and out of their nighties after such a short time.

So he can't talk to you about sex because of his strong catholic background but has no problem watching hardcore porn? Ok... Maybe he should have a word with himself.

Sex WILL get better, after 3 months things are still fresh. I'm 18months on and after lots of pelvic floor exercises I do feel more back to normal.

I wouldn't be that worried about him not "finishing" if he was hard as iron, tbh.

Sometimes guys just miss their exit. All it takes is a lapse in concentration (like say for instance it suddenly pops into their head that this occasion is A Big Deal) and wheeeee! their exit flies right past and disappears into the rear view mirror.

Doesn't mean they don't enjoy the journey!

girl I know... It wasn't hardcore porn, more photos of busty blondes in showers, but either way I was bloody unimpressed. He's not catholic now, but just has a leftover sense of guilt about wanting/enjoying sex. He's much better than he was, but finds any sort of conversation about it excruciatingly embarrassing.

Thanks anna I'll give him the benefit of the doubt then!

bitter you're right! and I know he'll be feeling rubbish too! I just wish he could talk to me about it. He does have a tendency to worry about his ability in bed as I have a slightly more varied promiscuous past than him.

danny yes I am BF, so will bear that in mind, thank you.

Have you ever googled something called Stonewalling? It is something some people (men) do when they are in a discussion and they don't like what is being discussed. Or it could be an argument. They think that if they don't say anything at all in response to the other person concerned the argument will stop. What actually happens is that Stonewalling increases the feeling of not being listened to and exacerbates the situation, demonstrated by your sleepless night. If your DH will not or cannot speak, would he read an article about Stonewalling and how destructive it is to a relationship ? The Guardian published a brilliant article about it. I think if you can you should try and cut out the crying as that can be used as a weapon. I know because I have used it many times. It is much better to try and speak calmly to the DH about what you like or don't like. As to the sex, I think the OPosts have offered good advice.

Sorry, you didn't say you had been crying, my apology. Senior moment!

I just looked for that article and couldn't find it, hole do you have a link?

Keep doing those pelvic floors to tighten you up! If say he was tense or concerned about hurting you

Sorry Girl but I have no link to the Guardian article. I think it is too long ago. Try googling Stonewalling as it throws up good stuff. Reading and sharing the original article did change my DH's attitude towards keeping silent. It was amazing for me too as I did not realise he was Stonewalling me. I just knew that I got angrier and angrier and felt rejected by his silent response to my words.

I had this until about 8/9 months. I had ventouse, forceps and stitches so also felt a bit wrecked down below. Also I think bfing does nothing for your sex drive - probably nature's way of making sure you don't get pregnant. It does get better though but your husband needs to be more understanding (mine just had sn affair)