the logistics of leaving ....

[soitsover]

I dont know where to start.

I've been on mumsnet for 5 years but NC here for obvious reasons.

Well we have finally admitted to each other that we cannot stand another minute of being together. I have said I will leave. I earn about £800 a month, and to rent a crappy one bedroom near this house is £900. We have no savings, a huge mortgage and an overdraft. Would I be able to get HB? How do we go about telling the kids?

oh christ

Possibly. You should get advice from CAB. There may be other benefits you can get.

I assume you're not married?

We've been married 14 years and have 2 children.

I'd also suggest talking to CAB and a solicitor. Not because you're going to thrash this out in the courts necessarily, but because you will both get an idea of what is normal and fair for a divorce settlement. You may earn £800/month, for example, but (assuming you'd remain the primary carer for the children) he'd have to contribute a proportion of his earnings in maintenance. CAB can also help with financial matters and whether you qualify for benefits.

As for telling the children, there's quite a lot in the media at the moment about how to manage a split sensitively. It's important to be open and honest with them but avoid going into too much personal detail. They probably already know that you and your STBXH don't get along together. The other big priority is to provide them with stability and security when they go from living in one home to two.

Do get legal advice asap.

If he is not abusive, then you can agree on legal mediation, so that both end up with a fair split of assets and can work out what to do about the children.

If he is abusive, then you should get your own solicitor. You could request legal aid in this case (and remember that financial abuse is also abuse, emotional, physical, etc). You still wouldn't have to go to court, but your solicitor would work out a fair division as well, and talk to your stbX or his solicitor.

When working out assets, don't forget things like savings and pensions, and who is the children's main carer. If you have had loss of earnings throughout the marriage due to child care or to support his career you can also get spousal maintenance, although that is often replaced with a bigger share of the assets, such as the marital home (if owned).

If you need further support, do call Women's Aid. They can advise on local solicitors with experience in helping women.

Do you have real life support?

No support really. I have no family left and my friends have fallen by the wayside over the last year or so. I won't be telling anyone for a while.

Why do you think your friends have fallen by the wayside?

Because I have withdrawn from them. It has been a very difficult couple of years with bereavement etc, and a few people I thought I could rely on were just not there. My so called best friend since I was 12 just dropped me when I didn't have the energy to go out.

I have no one. My cousin, who is like a sister to me, well apparently, according to DH, I treat here like dirt and its makes him ashamed of me. He says I make everyone's life miserable.

If it weren't for my boys I would just finish myself off.

Have you seen anyone about the possibility that you have depression? Suicidal thoughts are quite a big deal

I'm not going to kill myself. Its just I know I am worthless.

You're not worthless OP, you sound tired and stressed and worried about splitting up - it's such a difficult place to be.

Have you seen your GP? They can provide counselling or medication to help you through this difficult time, if you need it.

My cousin, who is like a sister to me, well apparently, according to DH, I treat here like dirt and its makes him ashamed of me. He says I make everyone's life miserable.
What does your cousin say?

It sounds like your OH has done a good job on you.

Have you talked about your feelings with your GP, it sounds like you need professional help.