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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

a good friends wife has told him he isn't allowed to be friends with me anymore

21 replies

natmeistergeneral · 08/09/2006 19:58

We have been good friends ever since his wife and my husband died quite quickly after one another. I didn't really know of him before that but we both had young children that went to the same toddler group and we supported each other through some bad times. We were never romantically involved at all and both had various boyfriends and girlfriends along the way. I re-married first and went on to have another child and he married a woman that he met on the internet(who I did think was a little odd!) They have recently been going through a sticky patch and he did confide in me via a few texts, as we don't see a lot of each other now as we're really busy. I didn't think too much more of it as they have had problems before-she suffers from severe PMS, but this evening he has phoned me, obviously under pressure as she was screaming in the background- and told me he isn't allowed to have any further contact with me!I feel gutted and not sure what to do. Shall I just leave it and wait and see if he contacts me or go round to his house and try and sort things out.

OP posts:

bananaloaf · 08/09/2006 20:02

i think just let it go for the time being and he will contact you again. you both supported each through tough times. am sure he will see you again

NotQuiteCockney · 08/09/2006 20:02

I'd think your only hope of continuing the friendship would be to make friends with the wife. If you can't face that, then I'd leave it alone - if you go trying to talk to him, it may just make her more convinced something is up?

WideWebWitch · 08/09/2006 20:05

I'd leave it. She's not stable by the sound of it (screaming in the background?!) and wait for it to blow over. If you want to re establish contact sometime maybe you could invite both of them to meet with both of you and then she might feel less threatened, when she sees you're happily married and have no romantic interest in her husband. Likewise it'll show her that your husband has no issue with it.

WideWebWitch · 08/09/2006 20:05

WideWebWitch · 08/09/2006 20:06

ooh sorry for double post don't know what happened there.

Tinker · 08/09/2006 20:10

What was she screaming in the background??? Sorry, but that has made me nearly wake the baby from laughing. You can only leave it. Have been in similar situation.

Original poster

natmeistergeneral · 08/09/2006 20:12

Thnk you are right WWW- will probably leave it and see if he contacts me. I feel angry with him though as he is obviously being a bit weak and when she screamed at him to 'Put the f*ing phone down!'he did!

OP posts:

Tinker · 08/09/2006 20:13

Oh dear.

edam · 08/09/2006 20:16

Agree with WWW, not much you can do. Leave it a while and then maybe contact her with a friendly lunch invite (pub probably better than your house, neutral ground).

Or wait until he contacts you with news of the divorce...

Original poster

natmeistergeneral · 08/09/2006 20:17

She was screaming that I shouldn't get involved etc. A lot of it was indecipherable as she was roaring1 The crazy thing is that I told him to give her space etc! My dh reckons she must see me as some sort of threat but I only want him to be happy in his marriage as I am.

OP posts:

liquidclocks · 08/09/2006 20:17

Unfortunately when he married her he made a decision to put her before anyone else - if he is going to have contact with you then it's up to him to speak to her. He'll get in touch with you again in all likelihood when she's not there to explain things calmly even if it's to explain properly why he can't talk with you anymore. Been in a similar situation though in our case we were teenage bf/gf but definitely romance gone and me happily married & pg at the time - 3 years later we're just starting to talk again with his (now) wife's approval/consent. I loved him dearly (as a friend) so I tried my best to understand and I really just wanted him to be happy so I walked away. They are hapy now and her insecurity was a result of past realtionships and she's getting over it but it takes time.

trefusis · 08/09/2006 20:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Earlybird · 08/09/2006 20:21

nmg - don't know if he's being weak, or being placed in an impossible situation by his dw. Atm, he is married to her so if she forces him to "choose", he's gotta choose her. But I think it's most unwise on her part.

Am I right in saying that if you two had any romantic interest in each other that you would have gotten together when you were both single? If so, she should realise that there's no reason to feel threatened by you.

Have you/dh ever been out with your friend/his dw? Would it work for the four of you to meet up for an evening out?

Original poster

natmeistergeneral · 08/09/2006 20:23

maybe she is jealous of the fact that we helped each other through some very dark times and have a reasonably special bond in that respect but since I have been with my dh and he was engaged (to someone else) our friendship has been slightly more casual, certainly nothing that she could get paranoid about!

OP posts:

Original poster

natmeistergeneral · 08/09/2006 20:27

Earlybird, have not been out as a foursome or anything but went to their wedding reception etc. My friend has been here numerous times when dh has been here, both with and without his children and they have played football together also. The DW would never join him and always seemed to have a 'headache' or whatever.

OP posts:

Earlybird · 08/09/2006 20:58

Doesn't sound good. I think you probably have to leave it for now. It may be that your friend needs time to sort out what he thinks/wants to do.

I have a friend (been pals for over 20 years and he's the closest thing I've got to an older brother) whose wife is jealous of me without cause. So, he calls me from his office, or sometimes on his mobile (usually while walking the dog). We've never discussed it, but I would never, ever call him at home because I know it would create problems. We conduct the friendship outside of his home life. We go to lunch or dinner 3 or 4 times a year. I don't know what he tells her. We don't talk about her much as quite honestly she sounds horrid - but that's his decision and nothing to do with me.

Sometimes I feel I'm contributing to a deception, but I know there's not/never will be any threat to their marriage from me. And he has always behaved impeccably too. She's got nothing to fear from me, but her attitude/behaviour won't allow us all to be friends together - which is a shame.

bosscat · 08/09/2006 21:18

well you see I think its strange you have never gone out in a 4 some. I understand vaguely where she is coming from. My dh when I met him had 400 very close female friends and I was baffled that he never wanted us all to go out together. Gradually they have fell by the wayside as you do when you meet someone, you tend to go out in 4 somes etc and I would think it really weird now if he wanted to go for dinner with another woman but showed zero interest in getting us all together for a social meal. I think you'd be nuts frankly to encourage that sort of relationship. I don't blame her as seeing you as a threat if she doesn't even know you!

I have a friend of 20 years whose wife is very jealous and doesn't even like him to call me. There has never been anything between us we were just part of a large group and are the only ones living near each other. Occasionally he calls me but I feel very uncomfortable because I know he doesn't tell her. I dont encourage it at all. I think you need to respect his dw's feelings tbh. if she feels uncomfortable then leave them to it.

wartywarthog · 08/09/2006 23:27

i think you have to give him space to deal with his wife. i don't think he's being weak. she's making unreasonable demands on him and he's trying to make her happy, as a loving husband would.

it's sad, but ultimately he made the decision to marry her, so she comes first. going round to his house and trying to sort things out will just make it worse. she'll see you as interfering in her marriage.

expatinscotland · 08/09/2006 23:31

leave it.

Original poster

natmeistergeneral · 09/09/2006 13:49

After sleeping on it I've decided to let it go and just wait and see if he contacts me when things have settled a bit- the last thing I want to do is make things harder for him- my dh thinks its a storm in a tea-cup!

OP posts:

ohana · 09/09/2006 14:02

let it go.
a good friend is there in times of need. and away when needed as well. if you have been through so much together, then this isnt much in the scheme of things.
i have old friends i dont see for years, but when we do, its as if no time has passed.

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