Feeling like STBXH is still controlling me

[lanadelray]

I had a lovely couple of weeks when I first kicked him out but it appears that he was just giving me space because he thought I was punishing him (for cheating) and I'd take him back. When he realised that I wasn't kidding he started visiting every other day. I put a stop to that but now he's either contacting me begging forgiveness, threatening to kill himself or ignoring me when I actually do need to ask him something.

I'm finding that I have great plans for the day but I'm getting nothing done. I'm on edge wondering what mood he's in. Wondering whether he'll just turn up. Wondering what horrors the day will bring. I don't properly relax until I go to bed where I tell myself that tomorrow will be different. Then the cycle starts again.

Any tips for compartmentalising so I can get some work done? Or maybe get myself to the gym? I've been wearing my kit since 6.30 this morning.

Can you go out? Sounds like you barricading yourself in your day. That's imprisonment!

Set yourself ONE plan, and DO it!

Yeah it might be hard at first, but it sounds like you paralysed and fearful of moving on from this relationship.

Nip this 'staying in' in the bud sooner rather than later, before it becomes a hard to break habit. #VoiceOfExperience

Oh and get yourself a new SIM. Leave the one he has at home. He's got no right to harass you like this.

I've been staying in too. It's prison. My ex has a key and it petrifies me that he may enter the house when I'm out. I now have a bolt on door and use the garden door to leave house. It's awful. And explaining that to ds is even more awful, but got to be done. Safeguard your house and get out and do things.

Sleeves rolled up and no more Mr Nice Guy is how to tackle this one. You have to drop contact and back it up with a written statement to leave you alone or you will contact the police. (Do you have DCs? Is there any good reason for him to be in touch?) If he threatens suicide, don't hesitate to call 999 and get him an ambulance - that way if he's serious he's in the right hands and if he's just bluffing he'll get told to stop wasting people's time. If he carries on contacting you in spite of your instructions, then follow through with the threat.

• new sim for your mobile, don't give him the new number
• if he rings and threatens suicide, ring 999, pass them the info, and leae it at that. Let them follow up on it.
• document everything (in case he gets really stalkerish)
• tell him to stop contacting you repeatedly, if he continues to harass you, contact police and make a report
• if he shows up at your house, don't open the door, just tell him to go away (if he doesn't, ring police)

Subtle rarely works in these situations.

Thank you Hissy. I think you're right about being fearful. One of the reasons I'm home in the day is because I work at home for him! So I almost feel that I can't go out in case he calls the house phone. I think this has been gong on for a long time but now I'm even more anxious because I think he might stop my salary. Though my solicitor says not to worry about that. The top of my to do list is finish CV and contact old colleagues but I never get round to it but I'm not quite sure what I am doing all day.

Nespresso that's exactly what I've been doing. I'm not 100% sure he doesn't have a backdoor key but it makes me feel a bit more secure.

Cogito, he says he's here to see DC and how dare I keep him away. But he spends the whole time hanging around me. 999 is a good idea I normally say I'm knocking my phone off now and his threats don't work as he's responsible for his actions, not me.

I'm not sure about the key situation either in my case. However, the bolt on the doors does put my mind at rest. I have 3 back doors to the garden so am hoping that he doesn't have keys. I am so with you on the constant worry, being on guard. It is dreadful.

I am tempted to 'lose' my keys but have given a key to ds so it would be so easy to get a new key cut. Ridiculous isn't it. We shouldn't have to live with this.

You're right about being subtle not working Alice. I went to see a therapist because I couldn't understand how I could tell someone I know about the prostitutes, I hate you, I want a divorce, GET OUT everyday for two weeks yet he was still in the house acting like everything was normal!

How long has this been going on Nespresso?

nearly a year!

Talk to your solicitor about proposing a contact schedule for the DCs. They need stability and that is not achieved by their father turning up all the time and having a go at you. Make him a reasonable contact offer and tell him that he cannot turn up outside of those times.

When you say you work for him does that mean he's the line manager for a bigger organisation or does he have his own business?

This is a power battle, no more, no less. Get as many people on your side - police, friends, family, solicitor, etc - as possible. He may be able to intimidate you but he will be too cowardly to confront all of them.

Coward is right! They are total cowards.

Bullies always are.

That's not good Nespresso! Oh you poor thing.

I emailed her today Cogito. He begged me not to start proceedings as it would tip him over the edge but I've had enough. He's also refusing to see a solicitor so he has no idea what his rights are and doesn't believe me when I tell him he can't just turn up.

We run a business together but he's quite convinced that I have no claim over it as it's "his" and says that if I leave I'll actually owe him money. My solicitor says this is crap.

I think you may have replied either to me in the past or someone else and you said something that stuck with me about not keeping his secrets. I've been telling everyone and he's so paranoid about who knows and who hates him.

Tell anyone who will listen what you are willing to tell. But try to keep your dignity. I have lost mine a couple of times. Not my finest moments but I didn't know how to channel my anger properly. Your solicitor is your best friend right now. I have learnt that.

You've totally called his bluff haven't you? You may be anxious about what's happening and unable to concentrate but I think you're in a stronger position than you think & you're going to look back at this as a pivotal period in your life when things started changing for the better. It probably was me that said not to keep his secrets for him. Would have meant lying for him and you're better than that. His paper-thin, carefully cultivated image has been well and truly popped.... and if he is tipping over the edge and feeling paranoid he only has himself to blame.

Yes I guess I have! Thank you, for your empowering words. Tomorrow I'm going to finish my CV and go outside, I'll leave my phone at home. That's all, anything else is a bonus.

Nespresso I know what you mean. It's just so hard, everything I say is twisted until I feel perhaps I'm the one in the wrong. I'm hoping to let the solicitor do the talking from now on.

I hope things improve for you soon.

Thank you so much. I fear it is going to be a long old haul. Write you stuff down. That way it can't be misconstrued. Don't 'say' anything in person. As I said, solicitor is best friend, let him talk.

I just told my DD I was frustrated because I didn't go to the gym and she said "at least you put your kit on, that's more than I did today". She's been enjoying a post exams pyjama day.