Complete lack of intimacy from boyfriend....

[here4help88]

Hi,

I will try to keep this as short as possible but I fear I may be ranting so I apologise for that in advance.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years now, in the beginning things were great and as with most couples we were having sex multiple times a day, he was very caring and loving, always wanting to cuddle, lots of kissing and touching, all the good things etc!

Things obviously calmed down as our relationship progressed but we would still have sex frequently, I'd say around 5 times a week. Three years into our relationship I discovered I was pregnant, it was unplanned but I decided to keep the baby, which he initially wasn't happy with but he came around and is now the best dad you could ever meet, he absolutely dotes on our son and tells me everyday how much he loves him and how he is the best thing to ever happen to him.

Just before I discovered I was pregnant my boyfriend started to treat me differently, he never wanted to kiss me other than a peck, whenever I would try to kiss him he would pull away almost as soon as our lips brushed, and we would be lucky to have sex once a month. He was still very loving and would want to cuddle but nothing romantic or intimate. During the pregnancy things got worse and whenever I would bring it up he told me that he felt weird about the baby or he was tried with work etc, but his main argument was that it was all in my head and that he loved kissing me and having sex with me. I gained a lots of weight during my pregnancy and my self-esteem plummeted, after our son was born this didn't improve. As soon as my son was in bed he would spend the rest of his night playing xbox, we spent little time together as a couple and I felt so lonely and rejected.

I didn't know what to do, I loved him so much and wanted him but he would never talk about it, whenever I bought it up he either told me he didn't know what I was talking about or had an excuse, or told me he didn't have a high sex drive and didn't need to have sex so I shouldn't push him into it, even though I knew he was masturbating everyday. I know a lot of people will question why I stayed in a relationship like this, but I felt worthless and stuck, I loved him and hoped things would change. He was always nice to me, he would bring me home flowers, he would clean up the house while I was out, get up with the baby so I could have a lie in, he would rub my sore back and hold my hand when we were out, he wasn't a completely bad partner, but obviously something was wrong.

In the past few months I have started to eat healthily and exercise regularly, I have lost a significant amount of weight and as awfully cringing as it is to say... learnt to love myself! I am a loving and caring partner, and I deserve to be appreciated and wanted. A couple of weeks ago I sat with him and explained that I felt lonely and that I didn't feel he wanted to spend time with me or care about me. He told me he loved me and loved spending time with me, he said he got bored sitting around watching TV and that is why he was always on the xbox, and the next day he came home and had booked a weekend away for us on one of the voucher sites. I was happy to start, and felt that things may change but they didn't. I didn't mention sex at that time because to be honest I didn't know what to say, I couldn't tell him I'd been through his computer and seen that he was watching porn nearly everyday, often at night while I was sleeping, I couldn't bring up how painful it was to have to say to him "Please will you kiss me, I promise I won't try to have sex with you", it makes me feel physically sick to type it and yet I would say it to him often, and many times he still wouldn't kiss me. I would sit and calmly ask him, did he want out of our relationship, did he not find me attractive, was there anything I could do. But I never got any real answers, just that he loved me and did find me attractive and did want to be with me, no explanations or anything. I never wanted to really push things because I only wanted him to have sex with me because he wanted to, not because he felt like he had to. I would try to initiate things but was 99% of the time rejected and it just got to the point where I stopped trying because of how awful it made me feel. The only times we have had sex in the past year have been in the middle of the night when he wakes me up and hes half asleep and there no foreplay, no kissing, nothing, just a quick 2 minute fumbling and hes done and goes back to sleep. It makes me feel sick to admit any of this.

Just over a week ago I sat with my boyfriend and explained I was truly unhappy and had realised that things would never change and that I wanted us to split up. At the time he showed little emotion, packed his things and left to return to his mothers house. I was hurt that he didn't seem to care and that it was so easy for him while I had spent weeks deliberating over what was for the best, I had to take our son into account also.

Typing this out seems so clear cut that I should walk away, but we have our son who is only 2, he shows me that he cares about me and loves me often, I just don't understand.

He has since sent me some emails saying how sorry he is, how much he loves me and he wants to fix things. I brought up everything about the sex and lack of intimacy, how lonely I feel, and he has for the first time spoken to me about it rather than dismissing it. He said he feels bored with everything, and that because we have drifted so far apart he says he doesn't feel comfortable around me anymore. He said that he does find me attractive and does want me but that he feels that he has got so used to not having sex and that because we never do anything like that, it just carries on. I just don't know what to do, if we didn't have our son I would be gone. But I have to think of him too, and I do love my partner very much, I want it to work, is there anything we can do? Can this be saved? Or am I just kidding myself???? I really did lay all my feelings on the line and told him everything, but now I feel if we do actually get back together he is only going to be kissing me and having sex with me because of what I said to him, not because he actually wants to.... I am such a mess.

The key phrase is 'if I didn't have our son I would be gone'. A child is no reason to stay in an unhappy relationship and, no matter how much you want something to work, if the other person CBA all you'll end up doing is sinking your self-esteem and self-respect even further down than they already are.

I would work on making a good independent future for yourself and working out with your DS's Dad how you can co-parent to the best of your ability

It sounds like a half relationship.

It also sounds like has a porn addiction which has spoilt his sex life with a real, live woman.

Think hard about this. Is he likely to change? And if not...do you want this type of sexless relationship for years to cone?

If he's serious about working at it it sounds like it might be worth saving, but youd need to do couples counselling together and work at it.

We've just come out of a similar (longer) spell amd I was seriously questioning things. We've managed to make a few changes ans although we're not yet piv sex its still very good and the intimacy and closeness has returned.

Perhaps despite what he says he still has some kind of resentment towards you in regards to your decision to keep your DS?

But from what you have written it sounds like he sees you more as a friend and mother than as a sexual partner. His problem not yours.

Sounds like you would be better off without him.

I think it's worth another shot but if he's addicted to porn he needs professional help. I would only agree to trying again if he did this. I think it's really affecting him and being intimate with you.

He really needs to put a lot of effort in if you're going to try again. If nothing changed I'd end it as it would be a lonely life for you

Is he watching gay porn?

I really feel for you here4help. I spent 8 years in an almost sexless marriage. Like you, the man I was with stopped wanting to kiss intimately, on the rare occasions he wanted sex, he preferred it if I was half asleep so he might as well have been humping a blow up doll.

Like you I ballooned in weight.

Like you, I lost weight and it made absolutely no fucking difference whatsoever.

In my case, there was also low level emotional abuse going on (I think the withholding sex thing was part of that - a means of control - not saying that's going on in your case, but I wonder if others have a point when they suggest this is to do with his resentment about you choosing to continue with your pregnancy.

My STBXH also looked at porn rather than being interested in me. To be honest, I think he had a bit of a "madonna whore complex" - again, not all relationships are the same, so not saying that's what's going on in your case, but it's worth thinking about.

My experience of sex/porn addicts is that the porn replaces intimacy. Sex stops being about intimacy/love/real people. It is a way of pushing others away. Him looking at porn as a replacement for real intimacy is an active choice. Refusing to work on your intimate relationship is also an active choice. Right now, he is holding a lot of control. Do you think this may be control that he is actively seeking to hold?

This is not just about him being unwilling to be intimate with you. This is also about him refusing to validate your feelings. To behave in this way, but to deny it when you try to talk about it with him is downright cruel. OK, if it's due to a problem he has, fair enough, but at least talk about it, agree that it's a problem, plan with you how you are going to work together to change things.

I know how crippling it is for your self esteem to be constantly "turned down", to feel unattractive, to feel trapped as though you will never feel a caress, an intimate kiss, tender lovemaking ever again. It is utterly soul-destroying and it is a real problem. It shouldn't be underestimated - it can affect all sorts of parts of your self esteem.

I am sure that there are some relationships where this kind of rut can be turned around, but my feeling and experience tells me that both parties have to be committed to change. both parties have to see it as a problem. If he's refusing to engage in conversations about it, or if he starts engaging in conversations but in a half-arsed, defeatist way, then I'm afraid you really are on a hiding to nothing.

In a partnership, you need to be committed to working together for one another's happiness - and if one person isn't prepared to pull their emotional weight, there ain't nothing that can be done to change things.

Have you thought of getting some sort of sex therapy? This organisation here has a list of counsellors. STBXH and I used a therapist from here at the beginning of our marriage (it's the only way that DD was conceived!) - but unfortunately it all went to shit again after that.

I really hope it works out for you guys, but the main thing is you know your worth. The thing I really like about your OP is where you say "I am a loving and caring partner, and I deserve to be appreciated and wanted". Hold onto that and don't forget it. You deserve far better than you are getting at the moment

Have you told him you knew he was watching porn?

Sorry - forgot to insert the link

Thank you for all the replies, everyone is lovely here.

No he wasn't watching gay porn from what I saw, mostly just boy on girl standard stuff. I did bring it up, why he was watching porn etc and he said it's normal to masturbate (shockingly I already knew this!) and basically told me that he did love having sex with me but was tried/depressed/stressed, whatever you want to throw in there. He then took to deleting the history on his computer, so I still knew he was doing it... his history was deleted so I knew... but he obviously thought he was being clever by hiding it eh! I know it's perfectly normal to masturbate, but to push your partner away and not have an intimate relationship with them isn't.

OP he says he wants sex with you but that would actually involve him having to pleasure you and it sounds to me like he cant be bothered. I too think there are some Madonna/whore issues going on here.

Nightofthecactus ive been through VERY similar to you only in my case no sex at all (not with DH anyway) Cactus your post gave me chills. My experience is in the link below.

everydayvictimblaming.com/submissions/my-mother-misogyny-men/

He prefers wanking to an intimate relationship with you, a real person. He doesn't see it as a problem and would rather be secretive than open. I think you're wasting your time.....

I second an independent life for you and DS. This will never be 'fixed'

It's a shame, because he sounds like a lovely partner in many other ways... but this is a real biggie. He seems to have major issues around sex which mere affection and reasonable argument are never going to fix (least of all from you, precisely because you are the one he is having the issues with). He probably doesn't even know why he feels that way. If he won't address the intimacy thing properly it's fair enough to end it, you know, and there is at least a good chance you can become friends or at least civilised co-parents.

I agree with annie - it's a real shame. If this is the only thing, and yes I know it's a biggie, wrong in your relationship then it definatly sounds fighting for.

It sounds like he's got a problem, though I don't think it's definatly the porn thing (though I'm sure it's a symptom). He's obviously still got a sex drive, has the urges etc but can't express it with you. Interesting about the timing, when you became a mother. I'd make him go to a councillor about it. He ows it to you to try and figure it out.

Please don't blame yourself for this situation!

For god's sake, he's not interested in a sexual relationship, he's only interested in companionship and sharing the raising of your son, he's more or less told you this, he's also preferring porn to a real life relationship, I honestly think you are wasting your time, god knows, maybe he's getting his kicks online from women and that's keeping him satisfied, fact is, he's treating you appallingly and it's about time you put a stop to it, it's going to kill any self esteem you have left.

I'd get out now if I was you, I can see more hurt coming in your direction otherwise, he isn't committed in any way.

It really is a shame. I'm only asking here as he keeps contacting me saying how sorry he is, how much he loves me, how much he wants to change and try to work out whats wrong. He is literally begging me to give him a chance and says he wants to fix things. I don't think they can be fixed though. My head is just such a mess I don't know what to do.

If hes REALLY serious he should be prepared to live separately while you go to counselling or whatever you need to do. Ask him His answer should tell you all you need to know.

I bet he can't use his porn sites when he's living with his mum!
Be careful about his pleading- he could be looking for a way back so he can crank up his porn usage without his mum knowing what a wanker he is.
He's going through porn withdrawal under her roof.

Sorry you're going through this, and remember, you're worth much more.
Your DS still has a father, but you deserve a better life.
You sound like you're in a good place. I'd let him make his own way.

He has his laptop, iPad and phone and own room at his mums. She's in work till 7pm and he's home alone from 3pm when he finishes work till 7 and she goes to bed early and leaves him to himself really. So at the moment he's much more time/freedom to watch porn/be alone. I just don't understand it. He is terribly upset, why is he like this ?!?! We cannot afford counselling, I am a student so get no money now during the summer and his earnings only just cover our living costs. I want to fix this because I love him and he is so lovely and caring in other ways and parts of our relationship.

OP, please don't let him come back too easily - it would just be agreeing to accepting things as they are.

What are your terms & conditions if you want things to work? Eg joint/single counselling? No-porn agreement?

This is such a familiar scenario. You are perfectly lovable, and deserve to be with a man who can express affection in a sexual relationship. This man can't.

You may be able to get free counselling through your college/uni service. The summer can be a good time to do it as there is less demand.