Dh probs

[Tortington]

we have argued solid for 3 weeks. we cant spend 2 hours together.

there are lots of reasons. culminated last night with a big episode which included sayings from him like " review our relationship" and stuff.

he slept downstairs his choice, came upstairs this morni g gives me a kiss and says "i do love you, we'll spend more time together"

which i thought was nice. even though i am still upset by he whole episode and weeks of shit which have to be sorted - he knew i had a long day today and it was nice tha he didn't want me going off on my 170 mile round trip feeling upset.

i get a phone call at 5.30 from a pub " hiya darling, its your wonderful husband! xxxxx birthday today so i am going out for a few drinks if you DO NOT want me to - you are (over exagerated tone) more important than any of these guys and i will come home immedialtely becuase i love only you"

various cheers in background.

i am truly not the begrudging type of person - i am going to oldham next weekend - shitfaced will be my new first name, but i just thought it completely inappropriate considering the brutal seriousness of last night.

he will be pissed when he comes home. have took phone off hook so fuck knows how he is going to actually get home. so no point in talking to him tonight.

what would you do. beuae i am a talk thigs through et things sorted and move on kind of person - but to be frank its not working at the moment and its comin accross as moaning and naging - even i am sick of the constant criticism i dish out.

i dont want to sit down and do anything sensible like crete a space for talking. i am all talked out - i do an hour monologue which is just criticising him - i ask him his opinion of me - he says nothing , he says sorry, will try harder and thats it. i am just not getting anywhere.

so c'mon raw emotion here - your pissed off - its simmering overnight whilst your inconsiderate shitbag h is etting shitfaced completely inapproriatley - you work hard all week - you want some semblance of a decent fucking weekend - however you are torn between saying your piece and getting on with it as per usual becuase its not working - or or completely ruining the weekend - again.

my first instint is to fuck off somewhere for the weekend. but am skint - my car needs a new tyre ( was stopped by police beuase i am on my spare atm after having a blow out earlier in the week!) then thought i could just stay away tomorrow and get a room tomorrow night. make him sweat. but apart from waste of cash i wouldnt know what to do with myself.
so foget sensible - what would you do. your angry. grrrrrrrrrrr

sounds like you need that weekend away - sometimes even the best dhs get on your tits for lots of small ( and not so small) reasons

i would leave my key in the door so he couldn't get in. My dh is exactly the same.

custy-do you love him??
thats the important question, because if you still love him and he loves you, then theres everything to work for.
i personally would choose a time and place, without kids around etc and sit him down, i know you are all talked out, but tell him, this is the final time you will talk, that next time, you will just go, if he realises the seriousness of things he may sit up and take notice.
ask him how he feels about things then lay your cards on the table, agree a certain amount of time, say 3 months, that you will both try harder, then if its still not working, you have to think again.

oh and by the way..as for tonight, yes he was way of the mark going out and i would make sure he cant get in, sleeping on the doorstep will soon sober him up.

actually, tbh, id probably pack a bag for him and take it to the pub..but thats me.

ha! - was just about to write - your afar too sensible - dont know what effin pub hes at - but i am liking your style.

oh thats a shame, cos the look on his face when you dropped his case off in front of his mates would be priceless

I would write it all down - and give it to him to read - that way he can't ignore it.

And writing it down may the cathartic (sp ?) for you.

yes it is. thanks

think i might just be aloof fer a bit tomorrow and put my quiet posh voice on.

might go out take the dog on gigantic walk

Custy, i just wonder whether you are both stuck in a rut of raking over and over the past rather than trying to reach an agreement over the future.

I think I would first of all sit down and reaffirm to each other that you love each other and you want to make this relationship work.

I'd then agree on 5 things each that you would like to change in the next 4 weeks which you think will improve the relationship. Write them down and stick them on the fridge, on the bathroom mirror, in the car, in the bedroom, on the living room wall etc etc.

For the next 4 weeks you agree that all nagging moaning etc etc at each other will stop completely. The only thing either of you can nag about is if the other person is not keeping to their agreement on the 5 things that are to change.

Whatever method you use, you really need to focus on changing for the future rather than nagging about the past.

TBH, if you are serious about rescuing things, I'd try relate.

Hope it all works out

ty. i know your right. hav got over myself a bit. will see how things are tomoz

No, completely would not be having this convo this weekend!

Have your sulk for now - he deserves it - but put some time aside this week to try and get back on track

custardo slightly different them but feelings same. we were at a chrismas night(in Jan) out staying in lovley hotel for the dance i was 35 week preg and we hadnt had a night away together for 3 years. alot of crap happened at the christmas which i wont bore you with. I left the dance at midnight and dh took me up to the room ans said i wont be long and we'll get up early go for swim etc. he never came back. i found him at 7am in hotel bar with 2 other work mates. i was so pissed off i left him there to find his own way home which was over 30 miles form the house. think i would in your situation depart for the weekend.

oh ok. great.

am off to look up travel lodge family room and see how much i have in bank.

Hi Custy - you've been so sensibly britally honest and helpful for me in the past (not that you'd rememeber coz it's a while ago) that couldn't pass this one up.

If I thought it was a blip and I just wanted to piss him off a bit I'd spend the entire day out tomorrow (leaving early and waking the hungover lump up before I go) - shops, cafe + book, cinema in evening and roll in at 11 ish saying 'have a nice day with the kids hon? I'm whacked, off to bed'

If it's serious then I'd ruin the weekend and 'talk' - can't bear for things to fester or 'get forgotten' - need to sort stuff out or it niggles.

Hope you have a nice evening so far as poss, wish there was more to say and help but can't think of anything.

(I probably wouldn't do key in the door - more inconvenience for me having to get up ad let him in when he starts banging it)

its all booked am offski

custy I send you all my support.
Going thro sh*t here too, which has been going on for too long. I want things to be diferent and am doing my bit - is he? Is he hell.
Enjoy your escape.

Would really recommend Relate. DH and I have been through our dramas over the years, and were separated at one stage. It was only by going to counselling that we realised that there was anything in the relationship worth saving, and learnt some techniques that helped us. It hasn't been easy, but we're better at sorting out our problems now before they get too big. Am really hoping that you two can work this out. xx

Isn't there a friend you could go to for the night? It seems such a shame to pay for it if it could be free!

you don't have to throw yourself on their mercy or anything, packager it as a girly weekend type thing.

i think you're stuck in a rut - dragging up the same problems / criticisms over again and he's immune. he probably isn't really listening anymore.

i think getting some time to yourself this weekend is good, and then i think you each should choose ONE thing the other should work on over the next couple of weeks and see if he pulls his weight. make sure you keep up your side of the bargain. impress upon him that this is the bloody last straw and he's got to pull his finger out.

ok, what he did going out tonight was crap and the worst, irresponsible thing he could do. but look at it from his shoes - dunno what your problems are, but he's probably sick to death of being yapped at. and he had a chance to go a bit blotto tonight. probably just what you feel like doing. so he's letting his hair down, and he'll face the consequences when he very sheepishly gets home. having a go at him about it i don't think will solve anything. you need to break the mould.

Message withdrawn

custy, what did you decide to do?

ds went to sleep at a friends. dd and i went to a trqavel lodge. revelled in the luxury!! seriously it was good. clean basic shower telly bed. woke refreshed and not at all sorry. i was glad i wasnt home to face hi shitfacedness. glad i didn't put myself throught the drama. glad the kids didnt have to listen to his pissedup shouting.

and i was surprised how glad i was. i was sad that i was glad iyswim.

he rang at 7.45 am and again at 10.30 i didnt answer. took dd to hairdressers. bought her a cooked breakfast - she said she had a fab time!
i just told her i wanted to not be there for the pissed up dad - she was cool with that. which in itself is bob.

came home after hairdresser - and firstly must tell you i am a blubber. i cry, at everything. good things bad things, some injured bunny on he telly, i cry, i am a cryer.

send dd upstairs to pose at her new doo and dh and i talked.
he was very shocked that i had gone away and we talked a sensible talk. i didnt blub we didn't shout. i didn't nag.

i asked him to ell me why he thought i had enough. he did- he knew - he knew everyhing.

we are giving it 3 weeks. if i am not happy i am off. i dont want utopia just some effort. it old him how shockedi was at myself not being upset. and that i have now got over the fear of that initial step. so next time i will be offski.

i am only 34. i could potentially be stuck with this lazy good for nothing twat for another 34 years. my youngest kids are going to be adults in only 5 years. so i am seriously looking at the rest of my life. a kind of working retirement if you like. i could potentially be child free by the age of 40. then what? i am notspending the rest of my life resenting the fact that he doesn't make an effort.

i told him that he would go off and try get himself another woman - "do youthnk another woman would put up with your shit? i mean anyone with any any self worth? i don't think so" said i. and he knows its true.

i on the other hand could do shitloads better and this he realises.
so we will see.

hurrah for me for the short term anyway. its the day to day changes that matter. today has been good. but only the next 3 weeks will tell.

im glad you were able to talk..i hope that he makes an effort..however its keeping the effort up after three weeks which is that hard bit..you are ONLY 34 im glad you said that as im 34 too!
you are right in that you dont want to spend the rest of your life with someone who obviously makes you unhappy, too many people do and then your kids are gone and its just you and him left.
however..dont do anything rash without seriously thinmking it through

ta chuck