Is the "spark" a red herring?

[LittleIllusionMachine]

I've fairly recently started a new relationship and this has me wondering. I have a history of abuse and so my radar for this kind of thing is slightly off, I would be happy to be told I'm being silly!

New man has been a friend for a couple of years, about 5 months ago this developed into a relationship. We've always got on fantastically well, but other partners have prevented anything from happening until now.

He is perhaps the best man I've ever met. He is kind, thoughtful, generous and makes me laugh so much. We have a similar outlook to life, he accepts my DD fully and is completely happy to go at my pace with regards to meeting her (very slowly!). I think he is gorgeous and our sex life is fantastic, he makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. I trust him.

Despite this, I (mildly) worry that I don't feel the same "spark" as I have with others. Does that mean that there is something missing? If it does, I'm not sure what that could be.

It's making me think that the "spark" that I have come to know is probably a combination of lust and anxiety. Having a strong sexual connection with someone but worrying about when they would call, when they would hurt me, when something would go wrong? Living off adrenaline? All previous relationships have either been EA (one main ExP) or casual sexual flings.

Is the "spark" a thing? Is it necessary at the beginning, or not? I feel so content and comfortable with my new partner, I've never been happier. But I wonder if the spark=passion, and that is missing, then will things go wrong in the long run?

I feel like I KNOW that it doesn't really matter, that it's a great thing that I feel happy. But I can't help myself pondering! I wonder if the stomach churning feeling I've had with others is in fact gut instinct to run far far away, and not lust/love!

Has anyone any experience or thoughts?

He is perhaps the best man I've ever met. He is kind, thoughtful, generous and makes me laugh so much. We have a similar outlook to life, he accepts my DD fully and is completely happy to go at my pace with regards to meeting her (very slowly!). I think he is gorgeous and our sex life is fantastic, he makes me feel comfortable in my own skin. I trust him

Honestly this is all you need to know. Stop over analysing and looking for probs.

I think your instincts are correct. In my own experience, the times when I have had that stomach-churning feeling have been the times when it's all gone tits-up, pretty fast and sometimes pretty nastily.

I agree that often The Spark is actually anxiety (had never thought of it that way before but it's v perceptive!) but I think we are so socialised to think of relationships as overwhelming, romantic, whirlwind, exciting, that sometimes we panic if we don't have that and feel there must be something missing.

I think contentment, comfort, safety and happiness are massively underrated in relationships! It sounds lovely, frankly

Don't overthink it. Enjoy it. He sounds great.

'Spark' is sexual/physical attraction. If you go into a relationship purely on that basis and there's nothing backing it up then it can end up being a short-lived and ultimately disappointing experience. You have 'spark' with this guy in spades, plus he seems like a decent bloke. What you don't have - it sounds like - is anxiety and insecurity. And who in their right mind would miss that?

If you'd said you're not sure you feel any sexual attraction towards him then I would agree with you, but if the sex is great and you have fun with him then I think you're overthinking things. My husband is the only man I have ever felt safe with, he has never made me feel insecure or question how he feels about me, that's how I knew he was the person I wanted to marry.

Your new man sounds like a keeper, relax and enjoy it!

I think the spark is partly created by meeting someone new and getting to know them, which you have already done :)

I had the spark, but the relationship is now far from great, so doesn't mean anything I don't think!

This is very interesting and something I've wondered about too. I've also met a new guy and wasn't too sure about how I felt about him at first. I was fresh out of a long marriage, not looking for anything serious, and very nervous about getting too 'involved' because of trust issues etc.

He was very understanding and has let me take the lead completely, at a pace I'm comfortable with. He hasn't pushed for commitment, he's really easy going and he's happy for us to just take it as it comes.

At first, we just spent time having some fun nights out, meeting friends, laughing together. After a while I really started looking forward to seeing him because he made me feel so good. I wasn't bowled over by him in that 'spark' way you talk of, but he made me feel very happy and safe, and I just loved being around him.

I don't know where we're heading but I think we've both slowly been hooked in to a slow-burning love for each other. It's not the crazy sexual kind, it's the caring, trusting, happy kind of love that only comes after you've known someone a while and realise how well you get on together.

I also hadn't thought abut the spark being a form of anxiety but I think you're right. It's quite stressful and not actually always that nice. I don't miss it!

I think if you've had history of abusive relationships before then a "spark" is something to be wary of, actually - because although what another person defines as "spark" might be sexual attraction, or connection or whatever, it might be that you in the past have categorised anxiety, nerves, not quite knowing where you are (can be exciting/adrenaline/dangerous) as "spark" and hence that feeling isn't a good sign.

I don't think that there is necessarily a chemical/hormonal reaction which can be measured or said "this, objectively, is what we call "spark"" - science can measure sexual attraction, oxytocin (the bonding/love hormone) but I don't think that "spark" or "chemistry" has been defined in this way meaning that it's so open to interpretation.

I think sometimes the true foundation of things such as what a person is like and if you connect personaility wise is more important than physical attraction esp for a long term relationship. Good solid foundation is a must and it sounds like its certainly there by what you have said.

I know that feeling too. I've also met someone who's like you describe OP. I don't think of it as a 'spark' so much as attunement to the other. It's quite lovely and there's no pressure which is how it should be .

As someone already said - what have you to worry about? Just go with it and see where it leads.

I met a strange but beautiful man online a few years ago and had a Skype call with him that lasted an hour. It was the most exhilarating electric shock type spark ever and I couldn't breath properly or sleep for hours. (He was allegedly a Special Forces agent in a foreign field talking from his barracks, which turned out to be true!)
We talked online most nights until he came home and visited me. In real life he was emotionally incapable of relationships and had cut off his family and his children and had only one friend. He was bristling with red flags and I think the huge surge of electric shock was my gut warning me of danger.
When I met DP it was more a jolt of recognition and a warm feeling of safety and comfort. He is the keeper! Trust your feelings

I agree with a PP that it's maybe about meeting a new person. It's a lot more exciting, sometimes, than the relationships that grow from friendship. And that friend could be knock-your-socks off attractive just like the "new man" but all the feelings a little less intense. He sounds good.

Sparks fade. No spark with my current DP, just a feeling of really liking him I knew we would either have a fab relationship or be great friends. He is lovely. I love him, we have a baby. No spark necessary

DH freaked me out at first. I had a history of abusive relationships. I was used to being anxious in relationships. I took a lot of time out before I met him (sidenote: do read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft if you haven't already).

DH freaked me out because he was nice, didn't create drama, didn't guilt trip me, was respectful and normal and didn't activate my fear responses.

I think the right questions to ask yourself are: do you enjoy his company; are you able to recognise his bad points or do you feel you have to ignore, justify or minimise them; is there mutual respect and kindness; do you feel excited about a future with him.

Thanks for the replies.

A lot of interesting points to think about, I especially liked the lack of "spark" but attunement to each other which resonated with me. I think it's a good point that the spark is often part of getting to know someone brand new, which of course we aren't.

Fwiw, I am not panicking or rethinking the relationship. I'm not giving this one up for anything! Just more of a general musing about what the spark is, what it means, and thinking about my past behaviour.

Tea, I liked your comment about how we are socialised to believe relationships should be a whirlwind, intense and passionate. Coming to realise that this is not the case is really quite lovely!

Thanks for the replies.

A lot of interesting points to think about, I especially liked the lack of "spark" but attunement to each other which resonated with me. I think it's a good point that the spark is often part of getting to know someone brand new, which of course we aren't.

Fwiw, I am not panicking or rethinking the relationship. I'm not giving this one up for anything! Just more of a general musing about what the spark is, what it means, and thinking about my past behaviour.

Tea, I liked your comment about how we are socialised to believe relationships should be a whirlwind, intense and passionate. Coming to realise that this is not the case is really quite lovely!

Thanks for the replies.

A lot of interesting points to think about, I especially liked the lack of "spark" but attunement to each other which resonated with me. I think it's a good point that the spark is often part of getting to know someone brand new, which of course we aren't.

Fwiw, I am not panicking or rethinking the relationship. I'm not giving this one up for anything! Just more of a general musing about what the spark is, what it means, and thinking about my past behaviour.

Tea, I liked your comment about how we are socialised to believe relationships should be a whirlwind, intense and passionate. Coming to realise that this is not the case is really quite lovely!

Oops, sorry for multiple posts!

I agree with Bertie.

Different people mean different things when they say the word 'spark'.

Anxiety and uncertainty can feel exciting.

Being in a relationship where you know where you stand won't feel like that. But this is a good thing.

I've had a few relationships that started with a spark and fizzled pretty quickly. With DH it was a feeling of finally coming home, of everything falling into place. Sounds twee but can't really put it any better.

That said, i did take a long time to believe it was as good as it seemed (having got it so badly wrong in the past). Fortunately he understood where I was coming from and was patient.

I guess you have to take the leap and trust yourself OP. Not easy I know.

For me the sign that the relationship was good with DH, something I had only felt once or twice, fleetingly, before, was when he felt like an old friend, when we could fight like siblings, with that absolute certainty that nothing was going to change, we were just annoying each other (although maybe that only applies if you have a good relationship with your siblings), the feeling of waking up next to him and not immediately registering "Oh it's X" but it just feeling right like you're a child waking up in the arms of your parent, or you're next to your best friend in the world or a much loved family dog or something.

That all sounds odd, and perhaps some of my parallels won't work for you, but there's a sort of calm, stableness, a familiarity, it feels safe and not unknown. I had a sense when our relationship was developing, almost like coming home.

And here is some :)

Annie That really made me smile, thanks!

The feeling of coming home is so right, I know exactly what you mean. So, in summary. The spark is bullshit in my opinion!