DH is abusive any advice?

[Northernstarz]

I have been with DH for 11 years. He has always been very selfish (pursuing his sports and career often to my detriment). Prior to having children there were some low level incidents but since having our two DDs he has become what I would describe as emotionally abusive. Basically:
He intimidates me and the children. He disciplines the children in anger and scares them.
He neglects to care for them properly if ever left in charge, often assuming they will be fine.
He refuses to much spend time with or care for my younger daughter because 'he didn't really want her'.
I have to agree with him or else he 'punishes' me (ignoring, angry, swearing etc) until I give in.
He has to do his hobbies at some point everyday.

He treats me with contempt sometimes.
He refuses to share any housework, pretty much everything in the home (except the finances) is my role as I have given up work. I feel like a slave.
I'm concerned because i don't trust his temper with our DDs and I'm resentful because I feel that I am living his version of what my life should be, rather than my own.
However we have been together a long time, he has a fantastic job that he works hard at and I want what is good for him. He is exciting and very charismatic. Everyone loves and admires him. He can be generous financially and to the outside world we are a 'perfect' family. I still feel as if I love him although I don't understand why given the pain he has caused me.
What do you think? Do I call time on our partnership? Is it that bad? I find him impossible to speak to and he does not want counselling, I've just started seeing a counseller on my own. Anyone else out there had a similar experience what did you do? How do you feel now? Thanks any advice appreciated.

Here's a for you.
I was with my exH for 12 years and it's only now that we've been split for almost a year that I can see he was EA.
How do you feel? What do you want?
Start exploring how this relationship makes YOU feel. Content? Relaxed? Angry? Disappointed? Scared?
If it was me? I would leave him. But it took me 7 years to make that decision about my exH.
If you are scared for your children, please make an exit plan and maybe speak to women's aid?

Your post is very insightful: you pinpoint what is attracting you to him, and also what is unacceptable behaviour. It sounds like you have all the elements you need to understand the situation, and to come to your own decision.

So I'll just answer the questions you set:

• I think that no abusive marriage is worth staying in, as it is bad for all concerned: it harms the abused spouse, models an abusive relationship for children to adopt for themselves once grown, and enables the abuser to continue his abuse.

• No relationship in which you are not loved and cherished is worth staying in.

• I stayed with my abusive ex for 12 years, and left when my own rock bottom was finally hit.

• I feel great, 3 years on, although it has been tough at times, with a lot of shocking discoveries about myself and my set of beliefs: the unhealthy things I thought about myself that allowed me to stay in an abusive relationship for so long. It has been hard work to find a more healthy mindset, but emphatically worth it. I now have a very happy life.

Good luck to you. I wish you strength, and finding your peace.

Do you think you are being abused here by him?.

Joint counselling is never recommended in such situations and yes it is that bad. Abusive men do not respond well to counselling and (like your man has done here) often refuse to attend such sessions anyway. He has actually done you a favour by (currently at least, he may well stop you going) letting you see someone on your own. You need to talk in a safe environment.

BTW what are his parents like?. I daresay that he learnt how to control others from one or both of them.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here by him?.

You have probably thought for many years now that he would eventually change. Such men never change; infact the power and control ante ramps up even more over time. Abuse like this is hard to spot in the initial stages because it is so insidious in its onset and he likely met you when you were in a very low place yourself.

It took my friend a long time to leave her controlling man
but she has never regretted for one moment doing so. She can now be her own person and not be criticised or demeaned at every turn.

What has your counsellor said re your husband?. Is this counsellor to your mind helpful?. Abusers can be plausible to those in the outside word but I doubt very much that he can maintain the act even to them in the long term; I am certain that one or two people have their own unspoken suspicions re him.

You are truly trapped in a cage of his own paranoid making but you can set yourself free. You need to break free of him.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships?.
This is no functional model of a relationship you want to be setting your girls either because they could well grow up to copy exactly what they are seeing here from the two of you. They are learning to believe that this abusive controlling treatment of you at his hands is "normal".

I would suggest you call Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 and talk this through with them further. Do also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Your H is in those pages.

do you think he could be a narcissist? I am supersensitive about narcissists as my mum is one and we also appeared like the 'perfect' family

It's bad when you live with a bully... and that's essentially what you're describing, albeit a well-paid and charismatic bully. I feel sorry for you but especially for your DCs who are innocent hostages in all this. If you feel as though you love him then look up 'Stockholm Syndrome'.... when you're in a vulnerable position, feel trapped and are being regularly intimidated it's a survival technique to try to stay on the right side of the aggressor. Never mistake the temporary cessation of abuse for kindness.

I'm glad you're getting counselling but quite honestly think that you won't fully appreciate what a bad situation you are in until you have been out of it for at least six months. Please make those plans to leave.

That does NOT sound like a happy life for your or your poor DC.

The only acceptable amount of abuse in a relationship is NONE!
So no-one on here is going to give you advice on how to stay.
Only on how to get away.

Please contact Womens Aid and talk this through with them.

Contact CAB to understand what you would be entitled to.
Then CSA and find out what maintenance he would have to pay.
Then a solicitor to find out where you stand legally and get divorce proceedings underway.

It's been years and he hasn't changed and he is now infilicting his nasty bullying ways onto your DC.
They don't deserve that and neither do you.
Only you can get them out to a happier life and future.

Who cares what anyone else thinks?
You need to do what is right for yourself and DC.

"He intimidates you and the children." If he intimidates you, and you're an autonomous adult, imagine the terror it causes your children. Home should be a haven, a safe place for you and your children but yours is a place of fear and unpleasantness, a place where no-one knows what is in danger of happening next.

I'd leave him in a heartbeat for that alone. The only advice you really need is "leave him". This kind of abuse never gets better and often it gets worse. Much, much worse.

Thank you kind people. I appreciate your advice more than you probably know. I've felt incredibly sad and lonely.

What you have said in your OP is more than enough reason for divorce for unreasonable behaviour.
Your saying you feel lonely sums it all up really.

End your marriage and please stop standing by while he bullies your children.

It will affect your relationship with them long term as they will not understand why you do not protect them from him.

You have been warned, I am afraid. The last thing you want is to end up alone with him.

Thanks for your replies. One last question. I'm not overly frightened of going it alone and being a single parent. I also think our daughters would ultimately cope OK. This sounds crazy but I am very concerned about hurting my DH, about humiliating him and about effectively taking his home and family away. His childhood was not good with his parents and I feel like I am now about to treat him badly too. How did you gather the courage to divorce. Did you feel like me at all about your Ex Partners?

"This sounds crazy but I am very concerned about hurting my DH, about humiliating him and about effectively taking his home and family away. His childhood was not good with his parents and I feel like I am now about to treat him badly too"

Why do you think this way at all?. Honestly examine your own reasons carefully for writing the above. I would be reading up on co-dependency and seeing if any of that fits in with you. You are not responsible for him.

Do you think that your DH has been at all similarly concerned abut hurting you and or his own family unit?. No he has not and more than that he regards you simply as possessions. If his own childhood was not good he has simply gone onto repeat that with you as his victims now. He did not have to do that but chose to rehash what he had already been taught.

Such men do not change. You've already had 11 years of him not fundamentally changing.

your H is a grown man who chooses to behave the way he does

your children have no such choice to live with the bullying and at present you are failing to protect them fom him

this was my childhood, OP

I currently live only 3 miles from my parents but have only limited contact with them

I hate my father but reserve a special level of contempt for my mother

she has been with him for over 40 years and still he puts her down at every opportunity but she chose her relationship with him over the emotional well being of her kids many years ago

she will be alone and wiping the shitty arse of her abuser before too long

depressing, isn't it

You have compassion as you are a normal human being and you don't want to hurt others. That is just natural.
But.... You are a mother and you have to protect your DC.
If you stay, they have to stay.
Be strong and do what's right for you and your DC.
Try to stop worrying about your 'D'H feelings. He hasn't worried about yours or your DCs so that is wasted energy.
Use your energy now to get away from the abuse.
You will be so much happier!

You are not about to treat him badly. You are about to deal with the situation Rightly.

I read the first few lines and that he scares your children. That is enough reason to leave or ask him to.

any more thoughts, OP ?

You are not responsible for his poor childhood, or for his emotional well-being now.

He is a grown-up who has the capacity to cope with emotional upset -- and if he finds he has a hard time coping, he is a grown man with the capacity to seek support from friends, family and professionals if he needs it.

It is kind of you to feel empathy at the hurt he will likely experience, but it is not your job to prevent it. He can and will cope -- just as we all do when life events hurt us.