STBXH being an arse, could do with some perspective

[LL0015]

He left last summer out of the blue for affair woman, DC 6 and 3. (now 7 and 4) One of those shock breakups and I had no idea nor did our children. We literally picked ourselves out the gutter and I think I have done a good job keeping them happy and secure. His is typical mid life crisis, sports car, grown hair long, the OW is complete a parallel universe to our lives.

He has harped on and on about them meeting her and so far, I have given my valid reasons to wait, to let them be settled, safe and comfortable with EOW access at Grandma's house. He has begrudingly agreed, we have a plan in place for them meeting her in school hols so it's not far off.

His Mother sadly has just been diagnosed with cancer, it could be very quick and I have gently begun talking to childen about her dying. They adore their Grandmother.

He has emailed to say he is introducing them this weekend and his mother has been admitted to hospital. So they have had no build up or time to process two massive things.

I am just so annoyed that he keeps moving the goal posts, that meeting her is a huge upheaval, that their grandmother dying is another huge shock and the youngest starts school in Sept so that is a lot to pile on a just 4 yr old.

I'm tempted to not let them go this weekend, which I know is wrong.

I guess I just need to talk this through, my friends and family tend to share my viewpoint. And I can't face AIBU.

I was feeling so much better and he keeps shoving me back under.

Honestly, I think you need to let go of trying to control when they meet the OW. I'm saying that gently, because I can see why you felt that way. But it doesn't necessarily need to be a big thing, with lots of build-up. My dd(6) has met at least 3 of Daddy's girlfriends since we broke up - my ex would never dream of consulting me. Generally she thinks they are nice girls who fuss over her a bit and it's just not a big deal at all. Your dcs won't be thinking in terms of the OW or The Woman Who Replaced Mummy.

I'd really let it go, especially with when your ex is facing his mother dying too. In the grand scheme of things, the dcs meeting his girlfriend just isn't that big a deal, especially a year down the line.

Children IME are often not as rattled by things that, to us, seem very significant. You can't ultimately control who your ex introduces the children to and, at some point, you have to trust his judgement. Your feelings for his new partner are obviously still very raw but, to your DCs, she'll just be a person that Dad is friendly with.

Thank you
The thought of telling them that daddy has a girlfriend without breaking down in front of them is so hard. I know that's my issue and I know I have to do it.

LL, why do YOU have to tell them about his gf? Surely that is his job? Actually I think in terms of the children, it would be better to be very low key, and not get them thinking it's a big deal. So if I were you, I wouldn't mention it to them at all, just let their dad deal with it. You can always answer any questions when they get back, if they have any. They may not, it may just be a case of "we met Daddy's friend X today and went to the park". It will probably mean very little to a 7 and 4 year old - they don't have adult interpretations of relationships.

I agree with bibliomania, and say the same gently - try to let go of control of if, when and where they meet her. It will help you immensely. Please try not to project your feelings about her onto the children - in the long run it really is better if they like her, and she likes them. It will save a lot of heart ache. I actually think your ex has been pretty decent to respect your wishes on this for a year, and he has been decent enough to give you fair warning that he's going to introduce them.

I'm talking from experience. Letting go of trying to control what my ex did with our DCs was the best thing I ever did. He is, after all, their dad. You need to trust him to look after the children as he sees fit.

They spent some of last week with him as I had a couple of nights away. DD told me she wanted to come home the whole time.

I feel so uneasy about it

He probably wouldn't tell them, just pitch up with them to her house.

LL - if not now, when? It seems that tyour ex is in a committed relationship and it's not going to just fizzle out so it will happen at somepoint.

LL, is there a possibility that your DD has picked up on your feelings about her dad - and she is telling you what she thinks you want to hear ie. that she wanted to come home the whole time?

I think pitching up to her house would probably be the right thing to do to be honest - not making it into a big deal.

Thanks Gloria
I tried my hardest not to project onto the children. I encourage them to talk about how they feel and I tell them
It's ok to feel sad sometimes.
My DD is similar to STBXH and doesn't verbalise much at all and bottles it up. So I do tread gently

The new relationship is with someone very unsavoury, he's living there but not declaring it because she is on full benefits. I'm really not thrilled to have to add her influence to my children's lives, but I know it will happen. Her choices in life are the polar opposite to mine, and whilst I know it could broaden the children, frankly it's not the best environment. Think my big fat gypsy wedding.

I am completely over him and his madness. But I'm nowhere near over the sadness for my children. I don't suppose that will ever happen.

I totally understand how you feel.

Is there anyway you could meet her before they do to lay a few ground rules with her yourself?

Chocoholic I have asked for that, I wanted to meet her with the DC to show them how normal it was but she refused. Or so he says.

He has stopped communicating completely and resorted to telling me why he left me and that he will tell DC how horrible I was.

He sounds vile and I really feel for you. I would say (and I know many would disagree) that you will bring DC to him this time and you will have a quick hello with her so they feel comfortable meeting her

in the nicest possible way, there doesn't need to be a build-up, and this won't be a huge event for the dc in the same way it is for you. Children are resilliant, and they really don't process things in the same way adults do.

Also, to whoever suggested the op meet gf first to lay down ground rules, as tempting as that is, the ex is entitled to introduce the dc to whoever he wants, and op has no say in that and neither should she. I don't imagine she would want her xh laying down groundrules for any future dp she may have, so this is no different.

My DH and I separated last year for 6 months and he moved in very suddenly, after a near fatal heart attack, with someone he had met two weeks previously. I believed this relationship was a knee jerk reaction which would prove to be short lived and I was right. I resisted our 6 year old DD staying over, although she did visit during the day occasionally at weekends.

I absolutely loathed it of course but our DD was quite relaxed about it and really not unduly bothered about daddy's friend. Really she saw no significance in the situation. We reconciled earlier this year and he moved back home. Funnily enough, my DD was talking about a family member the other day who's just separated. She said, 'a lot of people have a new girlfriend when they don't live at home but daddy didn't, he had a friend for a while so he wasn't on his own.' No doubt it will come up again at some po

...some po

Sorry!!! ...some point, but all the hours I spent anguishing over it.....I guess I was projecting a lot of my own distress. I agree with the others, be kind to yourself and take a step back. At least for a while....

That sucks. Im amazed Gloria thinks its decent of him to have held off with the intros so far. He's had an affair, he's left his kids, none of that's been decent. The absolute least he could do is wait till the OP is ready to deal with it. I agree the kids will probably be fine with it, but if they don't know she's the OW and was prepared to really hurt their mum, not to mention mucking up their lives, they're sort of being conned.

I've been through and am still going through exactly what you're going through. The shock, the sudden out of character behaviour. A family disregarded for someone so different to me. Like you , I don't want him back but hate the woman who colluded with my husband to break up our family playing happy families with our children. It made me feel sick when my kids came back from meeting her with tales of what she'd given them and his nice she was. I can so relate to how you feel. My children are a similar age to yours and although it was and still is a big deal for me it hasn't been for them. I'm trying to just think of this woman as just another person who looks after them, not competition. For me it felt like she took my husband and now she's taking my children. It's illogical. Their loyalty and love will always be with their mum but I have so much sympathy for you. I know exactly how you feel.

Yes, it sucks. I know, I've been there - exactly there when my ex left v suddenly for someone else, moved in with her, introduced her to our DCs within a couple of months. I know how it feels. But I also know there isn't anything OP can really do about it, and for her own sanity, it would be best to let go of trying to control it. He has held off introducing them for OP's sake for a year - not a few weeks or months, a year. I do think that is decent of him. At some point he needs to be able to do it.

OP, your further info on her doesn't sound too choice, so I do understand your concerns.

I still feel sad for my DCs about what happened - that doesn't ever go away.