strategies for dealing with controlling STBX - suggestions?

[Mysideofthemountain]

Have NC.

I see STBX most days as we are in the early days of living separately and are both trying to see the kids every day. In the past he has been very EA, although much better over the past couple of years as he's been in recovery from addiction. But things are getting crap again. Nowhere near the full blown controlling behaviour, but there are warning signs.

Today he told me not to "waggle my head", said that I was attacking him when I was trying to explain why our phone line wasn't working and then tried to shut me up when I tried to explain again. He does this a lot: he speaks his mind (usually criticising me), won't let me reply, holds up a hand and says, 'No, I don't want to hear about it' and simply will not let me speak.

I got disproportionately upset about this today, probably because it reminded me of all the times he yelled at me about not looking at him 'right' and or needing to change the look in my eyes...

Given that I can't change him, I'm trying to build up a bank of useful phrases I can use that aren't loaded but mean that I'm not shouted down, like 'We see things differently', or 'Let me speak'. I'm very tense around him so I'm working on being strong and resourceful...

Any suggestions about other useful strategies for dealing with controlling types?

I heard something today on the radio which might help. Instead of thinking of him as 'STBX', refer to him as 'the Kids' Dad'. Apparently it shifts the focus from the relationship you had/have with him and repositions his role. Worth a shot and might help you detach and be more objective.

I would then suggest that you severely curtail the contact you have with 'the Kids' Dad'. Has it been formally drawn up or is it something you've cobbled together between you? Seeing them every day sounds good on paper but it's giving him the scope to interfere in your life too much and opportunities to be controlling. Rather than useful phrases to come back at him with, therefore, I think you should completely disengage, take a long, hard look at the access arrangement and reduce it to something that fits your needs. Communicate with him only about essentials.

Cog's advice is good, as always.

Minimise contact, never try to explain things, never expect him to be reasonable or fair. Always have a Plan B for when he tries to mess up your plans. I only meet my ex in a public place for handovers, which lessens the rants but doesn't eliminate them. When he does start ranting, I've held up a hand and said "Just to let you know, I am recording this". Actually I wasn't because it didn't work on my phone, but ex shut up very quickly. Alternatively, I find it helps just to look supremely bored and yawn a bit.

Thanks, Cogito. I always refer to him as 'the kids' dad' in RL but it's just an MN habit I've got into online.

I see where you're coming from about the disengagement but that's not where I am right now. We have a very clear arrangement about who is where when and for now it fits my needs.

If the controlling behaviour continues or escalates, we will have little or no contact. I am very clear on that.

But even if we only saw each other at parents' evenings, I'd still want an arsenal of assertive phrases to draw on.

Fuck Off springs to mind.

If that sounds a bit extreme, how about "God you are boring me."

When I say 'disengage' I mean don't respond. Assertive phrases are wasted on thicko bullies. Silence pisses them off far more.

All fine suggestions. I might say nothing but draw a yawny face on my palm and hold it up when he does his hand-up-silency thing.

Sorry, Cogito, I misunderstood. Good point. I've been trying to speak up for myself when the controlling behaviour started to rear its ugly head recently - years ago I just believed that he was right - but I think that maybe silence is the only sane response.

"Yes, I understand that you don't want to hear it, but I'm going to say it anyway. If you choose to ignore what I am saying, that's your choice."

I found that quite okay when dealing with angry people as it's assertive but not provocative. It kind of bends the person to accepting they are making a choice, as are you. Each time, they interrupt you, you start the sentence from the beginning, adding in as I have started to say after the choice spiel bit...

It is very annoying after a while but they do calm down when they realise that it's just going to make the process very long and painful otherwise.

When he puts up his hand, talk directly to it, full eye contact to the palm. He'll think you're nuts, and to be fair you'll look a bit odd, but if you imagine he got a ginormous ear attached to his wrist, then you'll be giggling like a loon inside. If you can stay calm inside, then it prevents him using body language to deflect words as now you're absorbed by the one weapon he's used, and his ears are clear to hear.

Then because you're busy concentrating on your interpretation of his body language from something rude (which it is) to something less threatening (if not mildly amusing), it alters your internal reaction so that you carry on saying what you need to say much more calmly and without reacting to the rudeness. It's bizarrely effective because it discombobulates the other person.

This only works if the person is directly in front of you.

Try it and see.

Don't call him "STBX" or "the kids' dad". In this instance "twat" would seem most appropriate.