Feel shit about row I had with DP last night.

[AngelinaLaide]

Have NC in case. Just testing first...

Okay, DP and I together four yrs. He has 6 yr old DD who he shares 50:50 with his ex and we have a 5 month old DD together.

I was not the OW.

Long backstory of his ex messing around with contact, result being that we often end up having DSD way over 50% of the time. For example, we have DSD now for three weeks solid because her mum's on holiday with her boyfriend.

We've always changed plans and bent over backwards to have DSD when her mum's asked us to. I can't recall one time when DP's said no.

Obviously this is not a problem although after four years of last minute changed or cancelled weekend

What was the row about?

You can't blame the child if her mother changes her plans and surely it is great that your DP is there for his own daughter .

It is a fact of life that when you have children (whether step children or not) your plans are constantly changing .......... it's called parenting.

Fuck, posted by accident...

Cancelled weekend plans so we can accommodate what the ex wants to do, it's hard not to feel fed up and a bit resentful (of the ex, not DSD). I quite often get called on to be emergency childcare for DSD when the ex has made plans for herself and 'forgotten' to sort out what's happening with DSD. (DSD's own grandmother has started refusing to step in and help the ex out because she's tired of being put upon so often, so now it's moved on to me.)

Anyway, the upshot is DSD is home most of the time.

DP does nothing with our DD. To be fair she was EBF and a bottle-refuser so spent most of the time attached to my boob but now she's starting to wean and is less dependent on me.

I do all night wakings, all solid feeds (and breast feeds obviously), all bath times, DP will change a nappy but only if asked. I have to admit I am really shocked he's been this uninvolved with DD since he dotes in DSD and it was seeing what a fantastic father he was with DSD that made me want to have children with him.

Last night DD was taking ages to settle. She'd sleep for an hour then wake up screaming. I spent the whole night on edge, waiting for her to wake up again and I felt so alone and unsupported.

So I lost it with DP and said I felt like he was only interested in DSD. He turned it back on me and said I was out of order because I won't step in and do childcare for DSD. Basically accused me of not wanting to be involved with DSD and being selfish.

It's just shit. We both feel like neither is making enough effort with the other child.

But my argument is that DSD has DP, her mum, her granny and granddad, two uncles, all living within one mile.

I don't have any support at all for DD. My mum's dead, my dad and brother live 200 miles away, my best friends are childless and work full time...and I don't even feel like I have DP to share the burden with either because his world seems to revolve around DSD and what's happening with the arrangements with the ex.

In short I feel like he's a bit rich having a go at me for 'not supporting him' with DSD when there's loads of people there for DSD and no one there for me.

It's all so circular and tedious I can't see the wood for the trees now. Would appreciate some outsider perspective.

Sorry that was so long and disjointed. I have a baby sleeping on me.

So, to be clear, are you SAHM and is it actually you rather than DP who looks after DSD most of the time?

If so I think he has got a nerve.

Obviously when you get involved with someone who has a child you need to share that commitment with them, but if it is you rather than him doing the lions share, and he won't look after DD either then I can see why you are unhappy.

He said 'okay I'll look after DD more but you need to look after DSD then'.

But I want him to look after DD so I can have a rest and not have to look after anyone.

Am I being really selfish? I can't even tell.

It sounds to me as though you're both under a lot of emotional and physical strain, running out of patience and taking it out on each other.

So he cannot look after both of them at the same time but expects you to do it?

How much "looking after" anyone is he actually doing?

I'm on mat leave, so have been at home for 6 months. During that time, all these requests for me to look after DSD on her mum's time have started to creep in.

I wouldn't say I do the lion's share of looking after DSD. DP, to be fair, does a lot. But it's to the detriment of spending time with DD.

So he refuses to look after them both at the same time?

I think you need to go and get your hair done/coffee with a friend or something so he can see that it is possible and he should be offering anyway.

Is he normally so dismissive of your needs?

Have things changed since you had DD?

hampton when DSD is her he does nearly all of the looking after of DSD while I do all the looking after of DD.

But when DSD isn't here, he doesn't do any looking after of DD.

So in my eyes, he shares looking after DSD with his ex, but leaves 100% of looking after our DD to me.

But in his eyes I only care about DD and don't do enough with DSD.

Your situation rings bells re the history, but I think that he needs to step up with your DD as otherwise as she grows up there will be a split in your family. And the less he does with her - the less she will end up wanting him. If he doesn't start to interact with her now he'll always leave it to you.

My BIL does little for my DN and she looks to any other male role model for attention as she never gets it from him.

Sounds like a typical arguement when you've got a 5 month old! HE does need to pull his finger our and help more (especially the night stuff which in my opinion is the hardest part), you need to accept you'll have to look after two kids. Keep at it.

So you look after DD. DP looks after DSD. You'd like to sometimes not look after anyone but were only offered a swap of child care options?

I suppose some of this is about logistics and whether or not you're all at a point of integrated, random mucking in together. Or whether there's some emotional stuff going on which seems to contain understandable resentment at DSD's mother attaining a freedom of movement/choice that, in truth, is some years away from your exhausted self ...

I just feel like between him and his ex, they have this big support network, while I have none. And they co-parent more fairly than he co-parents our DD with me.

But when him and his ex want to use me as childcare for DSD, I'm out of order for saying no. Even though I have a tiny baby and no one who'll do childcare for me. So I feel like my life is made harder to make theirs easier.

But DP wants it to be as if we are a two child family 100% of the time. So instead of 'wallowing in self pity', I should do what we'd do if we had two children and put myself out.

But my argument to that is if we had two children together, there wouldn't be a third parent in the picture abdicating their responsibility to someone whose just had their first baby and is feeling unsupported.

I recognise you from previous posts, sorry, I think you were foolish to get involved and have a baby with this man when you have so many unresolved issues around his little daughter. She is tiny and her mum doesn't care about her. If I was on your shoes that's what would be at the forefront of my mind.

Oh, and I'm a step parent BTW.

I spend a lot of the time wishing I had a mum type person who'd come and just make me a cup of tea and some lunch or tell me to go and have a nap for an hour and they'll look after DD.

Instead I get asked to look after two children instead of one, so that DSD's mum can go on holiday. And just for good measure I'm made to feel like an asshole for not jumping at the chance.

He is being wildly unfair here. When do you get YOUR time to get your head straight? You need some relief. He needs to do ALL of the nappies/bath/solids for a week to give you a sense of relief.

No point saying now she shouldn't have had the baby- she has and is here needing help.

I think I'd be more inclined to look after them both if I knew DP would take his turn looking after them both.

But I know he'd come home from work and only take back the reins for DSD. DD would still be left to me.

So he does either no children or one child. Whereas I do either one child or two children.

And I'm the out of order one.

So what would happen if you said "Oh Hi,Glad you are back, I am off out for a couple of hours with Karen, see you later."

I would hazard a guess that your dp doesn't do babies and that he was probably just as uninvolved with your dsd when she was tiny.

Have a conversation with him along the lines of how involved was he with dsd's care when she was a tiny baby... I know it's little consolation, but if he's one of those men who just doesn't do well with little babies then there is likely some light around the corner iyswim.