Really need advice re historic abuse of DP and current requests from MIL for access to our DC.

[Difficultdilemma01]

Would really appreciate any perspectives or insights into this really difficult situation, as I keep going round in circles.

I have been with DH for 10 ish years. Shortly after we met he disclosed that he had been sexually abused by his 'step' father (his mum and this man have never married, just for completeness of info) from the ages of about ten to 12 ish. This is against the backstory of DH having lost his dad aged four in very traumatic circumstances, and his mum having literally immediately moved in with the new 'step father' ( this alone gives me the creeps).

Anyhow, not long after we met I fell pregnant. After much soul searching we decided that whilst 'step' Father would not be able to pose an actual risk to our DC ( we would never have allowed unsupervised access) in actual fact DH wanted to cut all contact with this man and try to move on etc. we also felt it would throw up some really uncomfortable issues once the DC were older as to why we would not leave them alone with FIL as this would be normal practice with their other GP.

So this went on odor a few years, DH's Mum would come around, or we would meet on neutral territory, all the while we had not explained why we would not longer go around other than a falling out between DH and FIl which she seemed to accept no questions asked ( again, really odd!)

Then a few years ago DP decided he needed som closure and to stop having the niggling doubts that somehow his mOther knew what had been going on. He wrote her a long letter and gave it to her giving details of what had happened, when and where.

We heard nothing for two weeks following which she text DH saying she had lost the letter at her work (!!!!) but had now found it and wanted to speak. That was it, not visit to our home, no apology, nothing whatsoever.

Well in DH mind this solidified his suspicion that she already knew but had not idea how to react as to do so would be to 'rock the boat' with FIl.

After this we heard nothing for a few more years but recently she has been texting DH frequently requesting contact with the now several GC.

Eventuall DH agreed to meet her to discuss things which happened a few weeks ago. Apparently she was all tearful but mainly around her own vulnerability, she even brought a GP letter with her which stated she had a medical condition which could lead to being in a wheelchair !!!!wtaf!!!!

She stated tht she had had no idea but could now do nothing, ie could not do the decent thing and actually bring this man to account in any way, no, she plans to continue living with him, no plans to confront him as 'their lives are too intertwined'.

But nevertheless she still want access to the DC.

My position is that whilst she may not pose a threat herself, she is toxic and there is nothing to be gained for our DC in having a relationships with her. It's her that stands to benefit as she gets to maintain the facade of having a normal functional relationship with us.

Also I find myself agreed and repulsed by her, she epitomises everything I hate in a Woman, putting her own children ends second to her own, inability to be alone even in the direst of circs etc, I feel physically sick when I think about her and her lack of parental care and compassion!!! I also feel angry that she gets toe keep on playing 'happy families' with that pervert whilst we have to deal with the effects of the abuse (DH mental health issues which will probably be lifelong due to what he did).

DH however now feels sorry for his mum! and keeps saying things like 'she's an old woman' ' perhaps she really didn't know' etc, but the point is she bloody well knows now doesn't she and still shares a bed with that man every night....nothing has changed!!

Thanks for reading this, and if anyone has any experience of similar and can help me make sense of this I would be very grateful. I just don't have any experience of this level of denial and dysfunction in my own life!!

Don't let her or her partner anywhere near your children. I don't have really similar experience (my granddad was an abuser but never abused me - though there was a phase where I thought my mum would have liked him to) but I wouldn't want to take that risk, and I don't think you do either.

If DH wants to have a relationship with her than that is one thing, but there is no way I would let my DC anywhere near her.

"My position is that whilst she may not pose a threat herself, she is toxic and there is nothing to be gained for our DC in having a relationships with her"

I would stand firm on this position and maintain it. Your job amongst many is to protect your children from any malign influences and his mother is certainly malign. You cannot take any chances with this couple at all especially when it comes to your children. DO not give them any access to your children.

Tell him this as well:-
A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they’re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents’ (and society’s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate first hand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children’s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different — instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.

Your DH is perhaps still on some level hoping that someone like his mother will take some responsibility here for what happened to him but she will not do so and she still has not (instead she has thrown up some previously unknown health problems). She enabled her man and put her man before her own son. Her partner should be in prison for what he did.

She has been weak and remains so, she has chosen to stay with this man for her own selfish reasons. She is as much at fault her as her partner and has enabled this man, a man whom is she not married to and who abused your H for two years.

If your DH has never talked to any counselling service about this I would suggest that he does so when he is ready to do so. NAPAC are very good (they are online as well as having a helpline).

Honestly these two need to be cut completely off from your lives as of now for your own family unit's wellbeing.

Thanks to you both for the replies.

You see, this is also my gut reaction/ decision. It's just a real shame for DH that she has now managed to manipulate him and make him feel sorry for her.

I think I may have to stand firm and just be the 'bad guy' won't I .

Tough one, and I really feel for you and your DH.

I don't think it is about 'risk' to the DC as such, as provided her access is controlled by you and DH the DC are not going to be in contact with the abuser through her.

So it is more about the emotional cost and benefit of having her in touch with you. She's not the ideal parent, to put it mildly. There is clearly a lot of denial and repression and she's not above emotional manipulation. If that is how she operates with her own child, then very likely that is how she will operate with her grandchildren.

I actually think that the DC, with your help, could probably weather all of that (to the extent they even noticed it) so I'd probably agree to the DC having limited contact with MIL on a 'see how it goes' basis.

The real cost is likely to be to your DH, who will have to put his understandable feelings of anger to one side to have her around. It's going to pull him right back to where he was as a kid when this was happening to him, potentially (seeing his children interact with his mother could well be quite triggering, especially as they approach the age he was when abused).

I don't think you can make this decision for him, but in your shoes I would want to point this out and discuss it with him, including what the boundaries are, what kind of contact you allow and what are the non-negotiables which, if they occur, would cause you to end contact.

One thing though-I would never, never, allow MIL to re-write history or deny past events, even casually in conversation. I think any sort of collusion in revising family history can be very tempting because it is convenient and keeps the peace, but it is ultimately seriously unhealthy and too high a cost for contact.

Thanks Atilla, have read many of your other posts and am grateful for the useful info. I may suggest the helpline you suggested to DH.

Part of me thinks I should get my solicitor to write her a letter basically saying of she persists in trying for contact I will take some sort of legal action.

I wish DH would report this man to police as I think it is reasonably likely he would be prosecuted. However he does not feel this is something he could cope with, which I understand and respect.

"Part of me thinks I should get my solicitor to write her a letter basically saying of she persists in trying for contact I will take some sort of legal action".

You could write a letter stating that you no longer want any form of contact between herself and your own family. Do bear in mind that in this country anyway grandparents have no automatic rights of access to their grandchildren.

"I wish DH would report this man to police as I think it is reasonably likely he would be prosecuted. However he does not feel this is something he could cope with, which I understand and respect".

I would certainly encourage your DH to talk to NAPAC as that action could well help him as well as his own family now. He really does need to talk to someone like them and I would encourage him to be brave and make that first, often the hardest step, to take. He is indeed lucky to have you to support him going forward.

Good luck to you.

www.lightshouse.org/writing-no-contact-letters.html#axzz367T74Wzc

The above is also helpful re writing no contact letters.

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How fucking gutless your mil is. She needs to be held accountable for failure against protecting her own son. She would probably be complicit in a criminal suit. No it is not OK for her to carry on a with this facade. She holds a lot of power in building a committed relationship to your family and there is heck of a lot she can do to bring her dh to account.

Stop feeling sorry about the bastard woman. If it was me, is lay out all in print again, demand a course of action and if I was not satisfied, I'd drop all contact with her and let her know I'd probably press charges. How dare she rest on this.