Ds believes only he can save his girlfriend from suicide.

[DieselSpillages]

ds 15 saved his girlfriend's life last week. She had locked herself in her house and taken 30 strong pills. He managed to climb in a first floor window and call an ambulance which undoubtably saved her.

He now believes that he needs to be available to her 24/7 by text or nearby presence in case she trys again.

The relationship was complicated to start with as she is a troubled girl. He's walked out of class and hitched to see her when she's phoned him up saying she's going to kill herself. He's gone to see her in the middle of the night etc.

Last night he admitted that this was why he's refusing to come on holiday with the family. He said he felt like it was his mission in life to be there for her and that if she did succeed he would probably kill himself too. .

I've tried to keep it calm and explain to him that he needs to find support for himself in order to support her , but he's not open to this and thinks he, and only he can do it. He doesn't trust the other people she has around her to watch over her well enough.

The relationship was already pretty abusive IMO with her blowing hot/cold and being very controlling , I understand that she clearly feels out of control and this is why.

How can I protect my son from what appears to be a codependent and damaging first relationship ? He's clearly worried sick about her, he's not eating , he's erratic and very angry with us all inspite of having a lot of understanding and support.

He's had a very traumatic experience, but he clearly can't be her caretaker and I'm worried that him playing this role is putting her potentially in more danger as there's clearly an unhealthy dynamic going on.

How can I help him. At the moment in between shouting and swearing and threatening to run away he is actually opening up occasionally and I don't want to close this off by being heavy handed.

Perhaps a very good child therapist? He is too young to deal with this emotionally.

At the moment he's absolutely refusing to be open to the idea of talking to someone, even though I've explained it will help him to help her. I've got some phone numbers of help lines that I am going to make him put into his phone.

He needs some kind of counselling or therapy. Seriously. You can't do this by yourself.

For a start, I would make arrangements for him not to go on the holiday - even if it turns out he does go, in the end. Just make a contingency, even if it means you staying behind with him (hard as that may be).

Does his school have a counselling service? Or ask your GP. But do get professional help.

How old is this girl and where are her parents in all this?

If she is under a certain age the surely child protection agency's need to be called.

Your poor ds. No advice, but if there is ANY way you could get him on this holiday?

She's 13 They are just children. I am sure her mum's doing her best but the the way she deals will her DD is a bit

I would so love to get him away on holiday for a change of air but it's looking increasingly like I am going to have to stay home with him.

She spent 3 days in hospital after her attempt on her life so I am sure social services are now involved. Her mum is in denial

I have no helpful advice but just wanted to send very unmumsnetty hugs. Must be awfully hard.

Does your DS's school have any kind of counselling service? Is the girl at the same school? You say he refuses to talk to anyone but it could be a challenge you give the school - is there a teacher he particularly likes, for example? He may kick off against anything you have to say to him but he might take the opinion of a third party more seriously.

where we live school has broken up for summer and he's changing school in September. They aren't at the same school thank god

Does he have friends that he knocks around with, participate in sport/hobbies/etc or is this girl and her problems monopolising his time?

There's a bunch of about 5/6 kids in the village who are all friends. He has a loyal mate who's been spending a lot of time with him. His girlfriend is pretty central to this bunch of friends as her mum does double shifts and they all hang out at her house because there's no adults around. GF mum encourages this as she's worried about her Dd being alone.

Ds says they were all useless when they thought Gf had hurt herself and only he tried and succeeded in breaking into the house she'd locked herself into.

ds has a gym membership but he's lost all interest in going. If Gf not available he'll stay in his room until loyal friend comes round and gets him to go out.

I am an RMN and would suggest that you advise your son to call 999 whenever his girlfriend says (or engages in an action) that she is going to commit suicide. This will open the girl up to the help that she requires and your son will also be able to find support and possibly a better understanding of what is going on.

So basically, others may disagree, this girl may or may not have MH issues but the Mother is letting your son be the emotional sponge rather than dealing with it herself.

Shocking, especially as your son is such a critical age education-wise. I have had a similar experience with my children who have had two friends who were self-harming, drugs, being abused etc.,

What Would I Do in the same position? I would be sitting down explaining to my child that it is impossible to "fix" people, that they require the help of trained professionals who have had years of training and education to deal with teenagers with these issues.

I would also say that sometimes in trying to help people by being an emotional crutch we actually hamper a diagnosis or treatment. He needs to step back to enable her to get this diagnosis and help. Very carefully let him know that his support is possibly preventing that from happening. I would also tell him how proud you are that he would go to such lengths to emotionally support people who are close to him.

I have typed the above two paragraphs in the tone and terminology I would use with any of my teenagers, IYSWIM.

FFF x

Talk to gf's mum and find out whether they have been offered family therapy. Ask if your DS can go along as well, They might all feel happier about going together, and CAMHS will be glad to see them.

What a horrible situation fir you all.

As others have said you need to encourage your DS to speak to a councellor or therapist. Even if you say and do all the right things , once they hear it from someone else it seems to resonate with them. I have experience of this.

It like they think you are only saying these things because you are their mum. Hearing it from someone with no emotional involvment always seems to help them to see the bigger picture.

Good luck

Have you spoken to her mum? I agree she should be distancing your son, he cant fix this. He isnt the adult.

He is risking injury to himself climbing in first floor windows, he needs to be calling 999 and saying he is unable to gain access. The police will then break in and tbh having her front door broken down may make the Mother snap out of denial. If he doesn't want to do that could you get him to call you and you will do it. He's very young to be dealing with this and the facts are that if she really wants to take her own life, nothing can stop her. She will find a way.

It sounds very much like she is manipulating your son, the very real risk is, of course, that she will accidentally succeed in her aim of killing herself.

Your son needs help. Go to the GP ask for urgent counselling -he's threatened suicide and he's under the influence of a person who is showing signs of severe mental health issues. Contact the school too, in advance of or at the start of the new term, and explain in detail; if they say they offer counselling, check at what level. Some in school counselling is nice local mums and dads having a chat with young people, other school counselling is intervention from clinical psychologists - and that would be the level required.

If he will listen, explain to your son that the only way to help the girl is to call in the mh services, 999 when she attempts suicide and encouraging her to see her gp and access all services.

Perhaps let him read this thread. My mum attempted suicide many times. I've had suicidal urges myself. One human being, acting alone, cannot 'save' someone who is determined to die. As someone upthread said, you can't 'fix' people. But with time and the right intervention, and some good luck, they can heal.

Healing himself has to be his priority, and if he can encourage her to heal too, that will b enough.

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Any update?

It's all been incredibly stressful.

We tried to communicate with girlfriend's mum and she's told girlfriend we don't want them to see each other, which is some fucked up interpretation of How is your daughter doing, I think we should connect with each other a bit more so we can keep a better eye on them during this vulnerable time !

Now Ds hates us even more for ruining his life. GF mum clearly doesn't want GF to see Ds and is painting us as the baddies.

Ds totally lost the plot with Dh when he heard this from GF , thankfully DS2 calmed him down a bit. Ds has admitted he feels only he is in a position to keep her safe

It all feels very messy. DD is upset that I shan't be going on holiday. I am trying to organise care for Ds so I can join them for the wedding only.

Ds feels he can no longer see other friends as all the kids hang out together and Gf mum doesn't want her to see him. Frankly feeling pretty anoyed now on his behalf. he's put up with so much shit from this girl, saved her life, been really loving and supportive. I think the mum is looking to blame someone rather than look at the real roots of her daughter's problems.

Gf best friend , also 13 has now taken on role of babysitting Gf whilst mum at work and out with boyfriend.

13?! Oh my...I thought they'd be much older.

He is far too young to be dealing with this.

Is she involved with camhs or social services? She ought to be as she is a risk to others. Children should not be watching children, especially those who are suicidal. Contact the school and tell them everything. They have a duty to act when risk is present.

I second the other poster who said to mention that if everyone carries on as they are they will prevent the appropriate trained professionals from carrying out their role.

She is seeing a psychologist apparently , so that's good.

Ds went to talk to her mum who tried to lay all the blame on him saying GF was fine before they started to see each other. Ds pointed out that mum had already told us that the reason they moved into our area was because Gf was having problems.. so good for him to push back that crap.

What kind of adult tries to blame a 15 year old for their clearly disturbed child trying to kill herself ? He saved her life for fucks sake and she hasn't even aknowleged that. I am but have to hold it in a bit as the last thing I want is for Ds to slag of GF's mum to her as my fear is Gf could run away from home again involving my Ds and yet more drama.

I need to get Ds to agree to talk to someone so he can process all this. He's refusing all suggestion of this at the moment but is at least talking a bit more to me though he's still being mean to Dh.