Anyone living with/married to an introvert? How to you give them alone time?

[Lifeisforlivingkatie]

Hello everyone, my DP of 3 years and I have just agreed to try living together, he currently spends 4 nights at mine which includes all weekend and we have had several family holidays together. I have two children eldest off to uni in oct and youngest is 8, he has never married before and has no children.

I know he enjoys time to himself one evening a week, the other nights he plays sport after work. I have always shared my space with kids, family. I bet I am concerned that he will miss spending time alone, how do people who like to be alone adjust to a family environment?

It's important in any long-term relationship that everyone retains a certain amount of independence. It's unhealthy IMHO to live in each other's pockets. However, if he is going to be part of a family, he has to be part of a family.... and that means he has to change his habits rather than expect you and yours to fit around his unchanged schedule. He's does not have house-guest status any more - he has to pull his weight and participate. I don't think you should expect him to voluntarily do this of his own volition. You need to talk about your expectations, preferably before he moves in, and then review progress at regular intervals.

Long baths with the door shut
time in bedroom with the door shut
Going for a walk by myself
Encouraging everyone in their own interests as well as communal activities - as in 'oh you all want to go to X today, hmmmm, that's not really my cup of tea, you all go and have a lovely time, yes I'll be fine on my own' (practically shoving them out the door)
Plain lying - 'oh I'd LOVE to come to Y with you but I really urgently have to degrease this walrus by 4pm today, oh what a shame, oh well, never mind, I'll come next time, off you go, no, don't feel guilty'
Staying up later/getting up earlier than everyone else.

I've loved the world cup being on, by the way. Lots and lots of lovely reasons to go do my own thing.

My dp is an introvert, we have been living together over a year now. I agree with cog. You need to have an open and honest discussion about this..what both your needs and expectations of living together are. My dp has built a workshop attached to the house which is his area to go to when he needs to pootle alone. He spends around half an hour each evening in there.. Sometimes more

Very good ideas there, good point cogitoEgosometimes, we both have to adjust. After 3 years of spending 4 nights, he knows what he is getting himself into. We are lucky to have a town house so he can have a floor to himself. I Locke my long baths Kentish, maybe I too need time alone and never really thought about it.thank you all

I'm the introvert in my marriage. I would be angry if DH said I couldn't have alone time ever - my needs are as important as everyone else's! - but I take responsibility for telling him what I need and arranging it around family life. If I need to go on silent retreat upstairs, I tell him what I'm doing, and if I'm needed to help with DD or whatever then I grit my teeth, hang in there and then retreat to my lair shut the bedroom door when all's done.

So I would start the discussion from the point of view that you want to accommodate his needs alongside everyone else's but that you can't be expected to anticipate them. He'll need to speak up and be flexible, you'll need to be understanding and not take it personally. It's doable with willing. :)

When we first moved in together, I actually squared it with then-DP that I could go and sleep in another room if I wanted, and the odd night of that didn't mean I didn't like him. I've never even done it, but it was a comfort to know that I still could after years of living alone.

degreasing the walrus is very important

It's worth talking to him. About if he'll find it hard. If so, ways of coping. And also he will probably be able to adjust over time - if he wants to. It might well take time but he also needs the willingness to adapt. If he does, fine ( and you might have to be patient a while). If he doesn't, then you'll have to agree on a middle ground.

My DH and I spend a lot of time apart, we have separate bedrooms, we do our own thing in the evenings unless we specifically agree to watch a film or tv programme together - about once a week. We have separate hobbies and interests that mean one of us is often out for the evening or part of the weekend. If we go away on holiday I find I am craving time alone !

I am always suprised that so many couples do seem to do everything together in the evenings & weekends

I'm an introvert (and will no doubt one day be an old lady with many cats!) and have managed to be happily married for 24 years. Dh knows I need my space.. preferably alone with a kindle, and he makes sure that I get that, especially if I've had a tough working week. He will go out cycling, or take DS2 to Rugby on sunday morning and let me be alone..

On the flip side, I never moan about him wanting to go on cycling events and leaving me with the kids.. we give eachother 'permission' to be who we need to be, and come together cheerfully at other times!

*it also helps that he works away a couple of nights a week... often just me and youngest son here... FAB!

It is very doable with a bit of thought :)

I'm an introvert and I have my own 'room.'

It's just the box room of our house and it has my books, laptop, fairy lights up, everything I like, decorated how I like. DP knows to leave me alone if I'm in there with the door closed. He has his man cave too, out in the summer house where he plays his drums, reads, messes with his phone or whatever. It's nice having our own space in our shared home. If you don't have the spare rooms, just be sure to keep an unwritten rule that if one of you is in the bedroom and the door is closed, that means you want some alone time.

He goes out once a week too, running or to the pub or something, so we both get some alone time. He's said when the baby is born and big enough, he will take her one morning on the weekend for a long walk so I get a break too, as he knows that I'll be exhausted from being needed all the time.

It's not difficult, just don't smother each other. If he walks off to chill out in your room, leave him be up there, that sort of thing

Discuss it with him. Tell him that as you sometime appreciate time to yourself. You will fully understand if he does and think that's healthy. Ensure he's happy to express his needs and you yours.

I've just come down from an evening on my bed whilst DH stayed downstairs. We too both appreciate time to ourselves.

It's soo good to here from some introvert people, I am such an extrovert that for a while I did not understand why he wanted to keep his flat while we have a bigger house, I felt slightly rejected even though he is the mot affectioned man I know.

I am now starting to understand that some people need alone time, he is 38 up until we met 3 years ago he has not lived with any girlfriend. Likely he has is team sport evenings twice a week so he will be out of the house.

He was slow in decided forums to live together and now he wants to try, I am panicking that he may struggle with it.well I asked him to wait until October but he wants next month so wish us luck.

It's soo good to hear from some introvert people, I am such an extrovert that for a while I did not understand why he wanted to keep his flat while we have a bigger house, I felt slightly rejected even though he is the mot affectioned man I know.

I am now starting to understand that some people need alone time, he is 38 up until we met 3 years ago he has not lived with any girlfriend. Likely he has is team sport evenings twice a week so he will be out of the house.

He was slow in decided forums to live together and now he wants to try, I am panicking that he may struggle with it.well I asked him to wait until October but he wants next month so wish us luck.

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danineteen.wordpress.com/2013/05/08/dr-carmellas-guide-to-understanding-the-introverted/

Yep. Introverts find interaction energy sapping. Forced conversation is my idea of hell, I'm perfectly happy talking when I feel like it but please no one compel me!

Have just returned from holiday and spending a blissful day at home. Alone. Aaaaaaaaah.

Ahh! That's very useful, I am really learning from this thread. Thank you

I'm an extrovert married to an introvert- it's tough, probably the single biggest source of tension in our relationship. Be aware that is particularly difficult when we are both under stress as I have a huge need to talk about my problems and he finds this really exhausting he says "stop asking me questions". I think all the introverts on this thread are married to very understanding extroverts.

I'm an introvert. I really suffer if I don't get some alone time each day and I need time without people talking at me to recharge. I am also terribly anti social and apart from my dh and dc I have no desire to speak to anyone really (I like being on here as I can just shut it off when I've had enough! ) And I deliberately don't have any real life friends etc.

Just be aware though that being an introvert doesn't mean they get to escape (opt out?) from family duties. It doesn't work like that. My ex was like that - he'd all too often retreat off to his "man room" leaving me to battle on with all the family stuff like a single parent - so in the end it was easier to become a single parent.

You don't want to confuse being selfish and non engaging with being introverted. It's possible to still engage with being nice with the children and doing things even if you don't want to necessarily and then have alone time when it doesn't interfere with anyone else. Just something to have in mind.

I am introverted and luckily DH is to! I need my time alone every day and I lived on my own for 13 years before DH and I moved in together. It's hard to make the change to living alongside someone else - I've never had the wish that I would get married to 'someone' some day but it works with him because our personalities suit each other.

I don't have my own room here unfortunately, that's something that would help if we could afford a place big enough! I have my own office space in the living room, and I sometimes sit in the bedroom with my phone or ipad while DH is in the living room. What does help is that I only work p/t, so I do have 'alone time' during the day before DH gets home and DS is at school, and we only have the one child as I'd get overwhelmed with lots of noisy dc. Will your older DC spend time in the house or will they return for uni holidays? That would be quite a challenge for me, to have 2 older teens as well as an 8 year old running around tbh.

I have sports/hobbies a few nights a week as well, but I wouldn't say it means I need less time alone. In fact, with all the social contact in the sport, I often need time to unwind on my own afterwards. Just because it's time away from my DH/DS, it doesn't make it 'alone time'!