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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

single 11 years now... anyone else feel they're lost on the shelf like Wheezy in Toy Story?!?

23 replies

Alambil · 29/06/2014 22:44

anyone?!

I'm so bored of being alone but keep being told I'm far too fat to be attractive (nice, huh!)

OP posts:
redundantandbitter · 29/06/2014 22:58

Who says you're too fat to be attractive????

iggymama · 29/06/2014 23:00

Me too, also single for 11 years and not dated at all. I am very fat and unattractive, though I get lonely I think I cannot face any more rejection.

I currently don't feel I have anything to offer to a relationship. Even if I met someone I have no desire to marry again or live together. Trying to find someone in middle age is hard too.

Dirtybadger · 29/06/2014 23:01

Too fat to be attractive. Sorry that's a flawed concept. No such thing! Get some space from whoever is feeding you that crap.

ICanHearYou · 29/06/2014 23:02

I feel too fat to be attractive so I am 5:2ing and dieting down.

PIVOT · 29/06/2014 23:02

You should be picking them not the other way round, you sound like you've done well to escape these knobheads

Mitzi50 · 29/06/2014 23:03

Single for 6 years now. I never go anywhere to meet single men and work in a female dominated profession. Internet dating has proved a non starter - I am completely average in the looks department and not interested in dating someone 20 years my senior.

Alambil · 29/06/2014 23:31

my lovely mother says so! (I think so too - am "morbidly obese" on bmi)

I would love to meet someone - I just don't want to get in to their pants on the first date and it seems most people online are on there for a ons - I'm only 31 but REALLY don't do ons's

OP posts:
ICanHearYou · 29/06/2014 23:32

Why don't you join me in losing some weight?

I am not up for anything romantic until I am happy with my body frankly

Alambil · 29/06/2014 23:34

oh I'll lose weight - I just utterly abhor the idea that it needs to be BEFORE a bloke would even look at me twice...

I'm the same person, inside!! Why is the world so obsessed with the outward appearance? not many blokes on these sites are Adonis, it has to be said!

OP posts:
ICanHearYou · 29/06/2014 23:38

I think it's more than that when it comes to obesity, it is unhealthy and it's understandable that people won't find that attractive, I don't find it attractive...

I am hoping to find one person in the world that finds me attractive but I want it to be without the extra layers!

I find it hard to be naked with myself right now, let alone someone else

Ladyfoxglove · 30/06/2014 00:01

Can I just say that at 31, you are at a great age as far as desirability goes. Youth beats beauty/slimness

I think an awful lot of it is how you see yourself, carry yourself and your self-confidence. Sounds trite I know but it's true.

Think of someone who is overweight who you admire and 'channel' them. It works.

FolkGirl · 30/06/2014 05:47

Lewis I don't think it's about whether a man would look at you twice or just about physical appearances.

My exH was overweight. Now I will admit, I didn't find it attractive. I didn't like the way it felt, I didn't like the fact that there was a huge belly I had to lean over to hug him, I didn't think he looked as good as he could do in the clothes that he wore.

So yes, there was a physical unattractiveness about it.

But that wasn't what I found 'unattractive' in a 'for the rest of my life' sense.

What was unattractive about my exH, was the unhealthiness of it all. The need to stand in the kitchen and just stuff food into his mouth indiscrimintately was unattractive; the fact he became out of breath at any physical exertion was unattractive; the inability to do simple things (tie a shoelace/get up off the floor) without support of some means was not attractive; the pre-diabetic symptoms; the constant stream of junk food in addition to proper healthy meals; the many other health problems that his (also overweight) mother suffered from that he was started to show signs of in his 30s... these were all far more unattractive and had a greater negative impact on my life than how he looked.

'Morbidly obsese' is unattractive, not because people are shallow (although some people are) but because it limits life in someway. Either in terms of duration because of associated health risks or practically because somethings are just difficult to do.

I want to be the best version of me that I can be. Now I'm not thin, I'm curvy and 'soft' and I'm definitely carrying an extra stone or two, but physically, I think that is the best version of me. I've been 2 stone lighter than I am currently, and I've been 2 stone heavier. I think I'm physically more attractive now, but I'm also fitter than I was at 2 stone heavier and I don't tire, my knees don't hurt from walking upstairs, I don't make "urgh" noises when I hoist myself up from the floor - and none of those are attractive characteristics!

FolkGirl · 30/06/2014 05:51

What I'm trying to say (badly!!) is that rather than letting your mum upset you with her comments and rather than feeling that the world is full of shallow people, concentrate on being the best version of you that you can be.

That probably will involve losing some weight, but not just to please the male gaze, because you will feel better in yourself and be able to do more stuff and have a better quality of life as a result.

I know men who are only attracted to women 15 years younger than they are; I know men who are only attracted to women who are really skinny; I know women who are attracted to women who are soft and marshmallowy. The point is that men are phsycially attracted to women of all shapes and sizes.

So be the best version of you that you can be, feel gorgeous in yourself for all sorts of reasons (and not just the numbers on a scale or in a dress size) and you will meet the person for you.

Oh, and not every man on OD is looking for a ONS... Wink

CogitoErgoSometimes · 30/06/2014 05:52

Like it or not, online dating is a beauty contest. All someone has to judge you on is a photo, let's face it. If the photo doesn't appeal you're in the 'no' pile rather than the 'yes' pile. Snap judgements also apply in places like bars. If you really want to meet someone and you're not traditionally good-looking then you have to go other routes such as common interests, hobbies, community projects, the workplace where someone can get to know you and get past appearances.

FellReturneth · 30/06/2014 06:17

Lots of men are very, very keen indeed on women with abundant flesh and comely curves and wobbly bits.

But the fact is that being initially attracted to morbid obesity is less common, and frankly, it's leaning towards fetish territory. Nothing wrong with being someone's fetish, but you want a relationship. You need to put yourself in situations where men get to know you first, and learn to fancy you and love you later. Very few of us set out to fall in love with someone plain, or obese, or disabled, or in some way less than physically perfect, but the fact is that plenty of us do.

There are also lots of men online who are only interested in ONS and no-strings sex. They apply that to all the women they meet, fat or thin.

oh I'll lose weight - I just utterly abhor the idea that it needs to be BEFORE a bloke would even look at me twice…

If you think you can lose weight, then what are you waiting for? Most people in your situation feel they'd dearly love to lose weight but can't for whatever complicated reason.

But you sound so sure that you can, and you will, and you also seem convinced that being thinner would increase your chances of finding love.

It might, it might not, but what you are doing right now is known as cutting off your nose to spite your face.

CatKisser · 30/06/2014 06:26

I've always been big - ccurently size 22 with stupid huge boobs. There are ALWAYS mean who actively like bigger women but as Fell said previously, it's often an attraction that veers towards fetish territory. Certainly the men I've been with who have loved my size have mostly been the more "experimental." Which has been fine.
But I'm not happy this size - I just don't feel good, shopping for clothes is miserable, I feel a freak in public. I want to be a size 14/16 again which is the size I looked best at.

Yesterday I didn't drink my usual weekend alcohol. This morning instead of crisps and diet coke I bought water and an apple. Small steps. If you wanted to lose some weight, I'd be up for buddying up.

ICanHearYou · 30/06/2014 09:22

I think that is why I don't want a relationship right now, I would feel uncomfortable about someone being attracted to me in this size body because it is not normal to be attracted to someone who is so obese.

I also want to run on the beach and feel comfortable in little clothes and things like that which my enjoyment of will attract other people.

FolkGirl · 30/06/2014 16:49

So then, ICan...

So what's your plan of action... Wink

ICanHearYou · 30/06/2014 17:05

Well I fast 2 days a week, admittedly with the help of appetite suppressants, I am making sure my overall daily calories are at around 1500

I weigh myself once a month, last time was on the 23rd June and I was 114kg. I would like to get down to 65kg.

Walkacrossthesand · 30/06/2014 18:38

I've been mostly single for almost 20 years, busy for most of that time raising children and working. I got pretty heavy (size 18 & 'burly'), and I think it was no accident that the one relationship I had started just after I'd lost a couple of stone and looked better. Relationship ended, my weight crept up, and I just don't think I'm likely to catch anyone's eye again at my current build. If I lose weight again, I may or may not have more success in the man stakes, although I have of course remained the same person throughout. So it goes.

knowledgeispower · 30/06/2014 20:33

I know plenty of curvy women who are single, LTR or married.

If the weight issue is bothering you then I'd lose weight for myself and if you meet someone then great.

I have just left an unhappy relationship where I gained nearly 3 stone and have lost it again. I'd rather be single and happy.

Treat yourself and get yourself out there (not in a dating sense) if you sometimes get lonely.

kingbeat23 · 30/06/2014 20:45

I've been single for 4 years and am bigger than I was in my 20s but actually. I'm loving it. I've lost a bit of weight but that was for me and to stop the "when are you due?" comments (Apple shape, fat on tummy and face only and stupid thin arms).

I don't want a relationship am in a fb situation that suits me just fine and to people that are telling to lose weight for a man are off their heads on glue. Lose weight for you, for your health, for making life easier in the long run or for you dc if you have them. No one else.

If you're happy being single, fine. If you want a man in your life, change it. Do it for you and you alone. If you're happy being cat lady all well and good. (I wanted to be a cat when I grew up at 7 thinking it was a lifestyle choice, so cat lady is my destiny and I'm fine with that!) Wink

ICanHearYou · 30/06/2014 21:15

I'm sorry but I think morbidly obese is a bit beyond curvy.

I think it is deluding to assume that you will find someone you are attractive to if you are unhealthily overweight (I day this as someone who is unhealthily overweight)

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