DD seems to prefer OW to me

[Mumsnutter369]

DD is 13. Me and her dad split up when he had an affair with OW 3 years ago and they moved in together. Me and XH have very different personalities, and he and OW have similar personalities. DD is very much like her dad and therefore like OW. So I understand that they have more in common and it's natural that they would get on well, which is good I suppose. I just feel hurt that she seems to prefer OW to me, her mum. She spends equal time with me, and her dad and OW, and she seems happier when she is with them, she certainly behaves better. She can be rude to me and not want to go out or do anything when she's with me which is frustrating. I know children sometimes behave worse where they feel safest. Any advice on how I can have a better time with DD, and not mind so much about the OW situation?

You've only to read the many threads on this board to know that the relationship between mothers and daughters often doesn't run smoothly, even when there is no OW in the equation. Don't let her turn this into a beauty contest therefore. If she's rude to you, challenge her. Otherwise, be yourself. You're the only mother she'll ever have...

OP just wondering how you know your DD is happier and behaves better when she is with XH and OW? Did they tell you that?

My heart goes out to you - it's so hard. My 11 DS has said he doesn't want to spend time with my XH new girlfriend, he doesn't like her - my XH has to bribe him with gifts to get him to go along - I don't know which is worse

Hang in there. 13 is a really difficult age and it sounds like your DD can truly be herself with you and she feels she can't be with XH and his OW. ((Hugs))

Does she stay the "OW" for ever, or at some point graduate to step-mum, or even just ex's partner?
It just seems like your (very understandable) feelings if dislike for her are a factor here. Wouldn't it be awful if she hated the woman she spends 50% of her time with?

Teenagers are usually more rude to people they feel closest to, she may be reacting to her more the way she'd be with a stranger/teacher etc.

How do you know she is better with them, she might be a nightmare and hey are just trying to look good.

Once an ow/om always an ow/om to the people affected by the affair.

I see them together sometimes at school events etc and when I take her there/ pick her up. They always seem really happy together and have in jokes. She sometimes says she'd rather be there but says it's because they have an x-box.

Lunar1 - that's so true "always the OW" but I guess I need to get past my feelings for her. You're right it's better that she gets on with her than doesn't. I'm glad that she's a positive influence in DDs life as she struggles a bit. I refuse to compete with her for my own daughter, maybe that's part of the problem, maybe I need to make more effort to do nice things with DD...

She will always be to the person cheated on, yes, but that should not (I feel anyway) be how the daughter has to view her.
Get an Xbox! My ds would trade me in for an Xbox one if he could.

Must admit that is what jumped out at me from your post, that you still think of your daughter's step mum as the Other Woman.

I'm sure that your daughter loves you very much, and she's lucky to have three adults who care about her and support her.

I have always tried to be polite and positive about OW in front of DD even in the early days when I was traumatised about the situation. It's much easier now and much less painful, I've moved on from XH and have a lovely new partner, but I still have negative feelings towards OW. I guess I blame her for the split even though XH was as much at fault. Also it seems very unfair that the woman who broke up my marriage gets to spend as much time with DD as I do!

Whatever impression she gives, you know deep down you don't only matter to her in terms of what you can do for her. For now the grass have proved greener but in another few months as adolescence hits your DD may change her mind again!

Honestly, you are doing better than three years' ago - parenting without the burden of an unfaithful H. He and his DP may be wired more similarly to DD but stay true to yourself. Love and forgive DD for those thoughtless moments but don't take any rudeness or inconsiderate behaviour.

13 is a difficult age, when I think back every other woman was 'more cool' than my mum who was just sooooooo embarrassing. My mate went a stage further and used to physically attack her mum at that age. Forward 10 years and both of us learned to like & love our mums. Forward another 13 years and our mums can't get rid of us we see them daily whether they like it or not!
This behaviour may have been an issue despite the split. Please don't take it personally. She perhaps connects with this woman but you'll always be her mum. Don't feel the pressure to compete or connect, it's already there but during the teenage years it can sometimes go a bit awry. Hang in there mum xxx

Igggi - you're right I should get an Xbox!

Aww thanks for your kind words, you are such wise women! You're right I should be true to myself, you've just made me realise that I have been thinking of myself as inferior to them but I'm not I'm just different and I am the only one who is her mum and always will be. Thank you.

I agree that she is being harder on you because that is just what teenage girls do.

My teen DD is very difficult at home, but is apparently ( DS tells Me) all over her stepmother, helps her cook, says things like "SM lasagne is so much better than yours" "SM is really good at sewing I can't sew a button on" Blah blah blah.

I just smile and say things like "good for her".

On the other hand DS and SM do not get on at all well and she really seems to dislike him and makes barbed comments to him regularly.

I know which situation is easier for me to deal with, so please try to just be happy that they get on. You will always be her mum and as PP have said, if it wasn't OW, it would just be her best mates mum who was getting all the attention and being flavour of the month.

OP, I can sympathise with you. My dd has just turned 13,today in fact, and we have a love hate relationship. I think at this age they like to test their boundaries. And of course, as the saying goes, you hurt the ones you love. Perhaps she doesn't feel comfortable enough to set her buck up to the OW?! I can understand why you still call her the ow BTW.

My dd2 is 5. Tonight , at bedtime, she told me she likes her dad's new wife's sister ( auntie x) first..., and me second

OP, I can also totally sympathies with you, buts is my dd best friends mum who gets all the adoration. Apparently dd friends mum, cooks "real" meals & not just M&S ready meals, is lovely and smiley, never shouts etc etc. My DD too is 13. My ds has just said that he hopes I get ill so he can be adopted & get a nicer mum!!! Children!!!

I think another thing to consider is that your dd might seem to prefer her because she doesn't fulfil a motherly role in her life. If she began telling your dd to do her homework/clean her room/eat her vegetables, then I suspect your dd might start thinking she's slightly less fun than she does now.

If it's really bothering you, could you do something with your dd, just the two of you? Has she started experimenting with make-up? Maybe you could book a session in how to apply it? I know Body Shop & Debenhams do them pretty cheaply. Or maybe a 'Go Ape' day? Something that would remind her that you can be fun too.

Thank you for your comments, good to hear it's not just me! Thanks Ella for the suggestions, I think it would be good to do something fun with her on her own It doesn't help that she isn't keen on my new partner, who is a lot like me and therefore unlike her/XH/OW, but spending one-to-one time with her should help.