I explained I wanted to leave because of abuse. He says I've exaggerated...

[weedinthepool]

I've got an appointment with CAB, solicitor and women's aid next week. Have been looking for accommodation. I've been speaking to a friend about it all.

Last night I decided to sit DH down & tell him that I'm desperately unhappy. I can't get past the past previous physical & sexual abuse. EA & financial abuse still ongoing. I told him I'm leaving. I was honest about getting the support from friend. I don't know what the hell I was expecting his reaction to be but I just wanted to prove to him that I've really thought it through & I've considered the implications on the DC. I guess I wanted his permission and for him to say 'You are right, we should end this marriage' instead he said I am exaggerating. I always bring up past events and I am actively stopping us moving on from the physical abuse. I tried to explain that I have tried for a year to sweep it under the carpet but I can't do it. I'm so disappointed that my husband hurt me I just can't get past it.

It's like he wants to change history and turn the blame for the failure of our relationship on me. He is not speaking to me today. I feel like I'm going mad & that maybe he's right. Maybe I am a drama queen who is exaggerating. I'm still going to leave but I just wanted to make it easier for the dc's & for us both to be adults about it

Well, if he is abusing you he isn't going to agree with you is he?

It is just confirmation that you are going the right thing.

It's like he wants to change history and turn the blame for the failure of our relationship on me

Well of course he is.

I mean this In the kindest possible way, OP but did you really think yes say 'gosh, yes your right I'm an abusive arse and it is all my fault'? :)

This just proves how right you are, how your judgement is spot on. Just remember every single twatty thing he says from now on will just prove to you what a nob he is and that you are doing the right thing.

Well done you. It takes courage to do what you have done. You should be proud of yourself.

He will never give you the permission to leave, because that would mean admitting he if an abuser

Give yourself permission to carry this through. That is all you need.

Or what funky said.

A bully is never going to put their hands up and say 'you know what... you're right... I've been a total shit!' You do not need him to confirm that you have been abused and you do not need his permission to end the marriage. He's not a reasonable person so expect him to be unreasonable about you leaving and unreasonable about everything from that point on. For that reason, make sure that you get advice on how to leave safely. This is a dangerous point even if there wasn't already a history of violence.

You did the decent thing. You let him in on your plans. You gave him one last chance to say "I'm really sorry, I was an idiot and an abuser, I'll make it up to you. If you choose to go I'll understand its because I'm a complete bastard."
He didn't say it. He's had his chance. Full steam ahead with your plans.

You have hit the nail on the head. I want him to say exactly that Mary so that the next few months seem a little less scary. He is a twat, he will act like a twat whether I stay or go. I don't need him to make this decision. I want him to make the decision because that is what I'm used to but he's never going to let me go that easily is he because he hates me. He says he loves me & that's why he's not giving up on us. My head is such a mess. Please tell me that the constant circle if trying to find a solution stops when you leave. AF thanks for being a consistent support on my threads.

The entrenched habit of believing yourself to be responsible - the constant circle of trying to find a solution - doesn't stop when you leave. It doesn't stop because you have been conditioned by his behaviour to believe yourself to be at fault. Wondering if you are a drama queen for example... that's him talking.

You have to consciously decide and consciously apply a new way of operating which is that you are not responsible for him, for the relationship, for the smooth running of the divorce, the access to the kids or whatever else happens from now on. You are solely responsible for yourself and everything and everyone else is a lower priority. That switch in attitude will not come naturally to you at first but it's what you should be aiming for.

The constant circle does stop, in a sense. When you have your own safe haven where he has no power. The place where you can shut the door with him on the outside and you, safe and warm with your DCs, inside. This is not to say that there won't be continuing issues. No, you won't have to try to find a 'solution' to his behaviour anymore. But he will still try to control you and cause problems. The main thing to remember is that you no longer have to put up with it to keep the peace or to prevent physical/emotional damage. You will be in the driver's seat, remember that! You will be able to kick him out of your home* or hang up the phone on him if he starts in. And return to the peace that will be your new home.

*if possible, my advice is to never let him cross your new threshold. Don't create any 'memories' of him in your new home, iyswim. All handovers at the doorstep or front gate.

From someone who spent eight years beging her husband to agree to a divorce (and being told we were not that bad as to take that step):

• He is not going to agree with you, he doesn't give value to your thoughts, feelings or opinions. If he is right, he is right (in his warped perception of the issue).

• you will continue to unconsciously seek his consent or approval, you have been conditioned to act like this. You will stop caring about him (as a mother, sister or whatever as I'm sure you no longer care anout him in a romantic way)and his opinion the day he does something so bad you can't care for him anymore.

In my case was falsifying documents during the divorce and hurting DS badly.

• you need to understand that despite the conditioning you do not need his permission, approval or opinion to go. Just go, if you wait to get to terms with it you won't leave ever.

The only thing I can say is, that things are difficult as a single parent, especially while you get used to it, but I can assure you that after a few months you will look back at this time and ask yourself why you didn't leave earlier.

Go ahead with ypur plans, you will bd ok and you will be happier.

The really liberating thing is to realise that you do not need his permission. That's the whole point. There is no "us" to refuse to give up on. "Us" is past, spent, trampled to death - by him! It is a pity he will not make things easy, but then again why should he? If he doesn't co-operate, the theory is that you'll just give up and climb back into your box.

Don't.

The constant circle will stop when you don't love him nor hate him but get to a point of complete indifference to him.

Work towards that. The first step is acknowledging that whatever you do will be wrong in his eyes. You are there already. You can do this. Step by step. But please do it safely.

Well done! You are doing a brave and courageous thing.

He's never going to say "well yes of course I was abusive" because people like him never do.

It doesn't matter what he thinks. If he thinks you're exaggerating or not. Because you're allowed to end a relationship for any reason you choose. YOU ARE ALLOWED to end a relationship for any reason you choose.

And of course he's going to minimise and say you're mad and a drama queen.

Well, he's well rid then isn't he

I seem to keep drawing strength from other peoples threads recently, but can't face starting yet another one myself. MiddleDaughter was a recent one I was following and realising it's not just me (I don't mean that to sound selfish).

I don't need permission to leave or end this do I? I have tonight emailed my counsellor who I haven't seen for eighteen months, for an appointment to help me be strong and assertive and listened to. And three local solicitors for a free half hour appointment.

I'm bruised physically. And mentally.

Sorry to derail. But you're helping me breathe.

eek you are right. It doesn't matter what he thinks. The first time he punched me it shouldn't have mattered. He once bit me in front of his family & their friends & all I was bothered about was what they & he was thinking. I know now I should have thought about my poor bleeding face. Its the conditioning that does it Scooby I've needed his permission on the most basic of stuff it feels so weird not involving him in the biggest!

I'm glad you are finding solace in other peoples threads. I have been looking on this board for years because not feeling alone is worth so much.

my husband abused me too - to be finally free of him, I agreed to the term "unreasonable behaviour" on my part just so he'd sign the divorce paper. I figured it didn't matter what it actually says - no-one's ever going to look.

Keep on with your plans but please stay safe - leaving is the most dangerous time... if there's ANY hint of ANY behaviour that threatens, call 999

lewis and how are you feeling now that you are free?

sorry - only just seen you asked me a question...

I'm 12 years on, so it's all in the dim and distant past but after I left, the relief was quite overwhelming, tbh... I still cry if family discuss the details, although I have blocked out an awful lot of the stuff he did - self-preservation, I suppose. I can talk about it on a professional level, though - say at work or whatever.... weird!

Do you have a support network - friends/family? get them to talk to WA too - they need to understand where your mind's at - it isn't an immediate freedom, when you leave - you need to work at it; to work at the trusting your decisions again and believing in yourself, quieting the demons on your shoulder echoing his put-downs that you've been listening to for years.... it takes TIME, mostly but it is surmountable.

a lot of his behaviour was emotional/mental/sexual rather than physical, which leaves invisible scars, I guess is the best way to describe it.

It takes a lot to trust yourself again, but the only way to do it is to jump in with both feet and get counselling - you will be in such a better place if you do it now (unlike me who's starting 12 years on!)

You CAN do this - you lived a perfectly good life before him and you'll live a perfectly good life afterwards too. I believe you can be free of him.

My first marriage was abusive. And I can tell you that once he left (I kicked him out, landlady backed me up when he said he wouldn't go) my overwhelming feeling was one of freedom. I was just free. I didn't have to worry about what I said, did, or wore. Didn't have to try to gauge his moods to decide if I was 'safe' from his anger or his insults. Didn't have to hide things from friends or family. My 'good days' weren't dependent on his 'good days' anymore. Free. All these years later I can STILL remember that feeling of freedom. It was awesome!

Ha, I just remembered also, how 'odd' it felt at first to be able to do what I wanted. I always felt like I should be asking someone's permission first and I felt 'guilty' or like I was sneaking somehow (dumb). I remember going to the store and buying some stupid little thing, I think it was barrettes or a fancy hair clip, I know it was something for my hair. You would have thought I was buying a diamond tiara! I decided I wanted it, so I walked in and picked it out and paid for it!!! And there wasn't anyone telling me 'no' or that I 'didn't deserve it'!

It didn't take me long to get used to the freedom, though! weed I think it won't take you long, either, once you have made your move.