Can people who were jealous/abusive/controlling in previous relationships become nice partners with someone else?

[HotDogJumpingFrogAlburquerque]

I have a few exes from my younger days. First one was brought up in a very patriarchal family. Thought nothing of pushing me down the stairs or into a wall etc. To be fair, we split up at 19, so maybe he has grown up since then, but I see photos of him and his new GF on Facebook and I always wonder if she is putting up with that too.

Second ex was horribly cruel, manipulative, a real subtle-but-nasty guy. Did everything he could to put me down, make me feel like I was lucky if he decided to grace me with his presence, we'd break up, then if he thought I was moving on he'd want to get back together which I did, argh he would text other women while we were together etc. He is getting married soon and again I wonder if this is the same person that his almost-DW sees.

I was, (I think understandably!) very insecure in that relationship. Would constantly need reassurance, we would argue quite a bit, and I spent a lot of time hysterical upset. I have been with my DH for 8 years, he is perfect in every way. Our relationship is wonderful, I am nothing like the upset, insecure person I was in previous relationships, and never have been in the whole time we've been together.

So then I wonder, would an ex look at me and think "I wonder if she's still that upset, insecure person", and I'm not at all! When I look at my exes' new relationships, I like to think they've met someone it works with and they are nice people now.

So for men who treat their partners terribly, is it sometimes just a symptom of a bad relationship and a destructive dynamic in the relationship? It seems unfair for me to say I was upset/insecure as a result of the bad relationship, but their bad behaviour was just them. What do you think?

I don't think that people can change their fundamental personality, but I think that some people do bring out the worst in others. I know myself that ex was entirely to blame for his violence, cheating and putting me down, but I also contributed to it being a bad relationship by being very insecure, jealous, argumentative and controlling. A lot of this is in reaction to his behaviour, but some of it was also learnt from my mum and her relationships.

Is it just me who reckons potential abusers will "test" to see if a potential partner is going to let them get away with it?

Eg, guy I mentioned above, dated for about a month.

Interestingly enough, we had some conflict about meeting arrangements for a date and when I sent him a polite "let's leave it tonight" message, and he responded like a sad little boy with a series of emotional messages "why are YOU so angry at ME?", when it was him being controlling and aggressive in the first place

And he'd sort of withdraw or shut down if criticised at all.

I didn't get dragged into the drama, but you can imagine someone reacting to it and then they've "passed the test".

Yes, I could see that happening. They test you by acting in a weird way to what is a perfectly normal thing, say you are going out with your friends, or didn't text back quickly enough, or similar. They react by taking the huff, you think "WTF is this about" but you try and be "nice" and talk it through with the P, reassure them etc, and give them another chance. They a're thinking "yes, she's hooked" and they push the boundaries more and more from then on.

And because you forgave it once, it's sort of easier to let it go the second, third, fourth, hundredth time. Then you become so normalised to it, that it's no longer a justifiable reason to split up with them.

Some people divide others into categories, some of whom they are allowed to abuse, and some not.

With my ex, there was a box labelled "girlfriend" and another labelled "mother". When I moved in his mind from one to the other, that's when the real nastiness came out.

hotdog your thread is very thought provoking!

I think that people can change. Not always but sometimes if a person is unhappy inside, lacks self respect and self worth, has grown up in unhappy circumstances they carry the hurt and damage forward into their relationships. If they recognise the problem, seek help, sometimes they can repair and move forward to become nicer, kinder, more pleasant.

I have had to go completely NC with someone I have known most of my adult life. It is only in recent times I have been able to make sense of their hurtful PA controlling behaviour towards me and took the positive step to say "no more!" They eroded my confidence over the years out of fear. I know that person will never, ever change, I just didn't have the strength to walk away before, they always turned it back on me, as my fault.

So I believe that both extremes are possible. Yes there is ability to change, especially if you can have support to identify underlying personality problems then take steps to positively change yourself (it must come from the person). Or the other extreme is that person stays entrenched and unwilling to change behaviours that we nowadays identify as EA, PA etc.

Words and behaviour can be just as painful as physical aggression, in fact the hurt can last a lifetime. I don't think i will get over the betrayal of the person I walked away from, because now I know their inability to recognise their awful behaviour towards me has cost me that friendship

The behaviours you describe in your last post are exactly the mind-games that was subjected to - especially about keeping in contact, they would always blame me for not getting in touch, give me a hard time, say it just shows how little I care, how wonderful everyone else is in their life, compared to me etc. This, even though I would contact them 10 times to their one time (it actually made me start counting, which is awful in itself, because I started doubting myself).

You see so many examples on these boards of people (usually women, obviously) who agrees tolerating such shocking behaviour/situations and you can't understand how it ever became okay.

But I never would have thought I'd tolerate being pushed downstairs, I did, I now think I would never tolerate that now, but sometimes I doubt my ability to walk away if it happened one out of the blue by my perfect DH.

I spoke about it to a friend (she knew me back in the 2nd bad relationship) and I was talking about how I didn't recognise myself, I then said that I want sure I 100% trusted myself to react with dignity if my now DH did anything like they did. I think I still have a tenancy to be hysterical and cling on to something that's not working. She said "I'm actually quite relieved you've said that"!

I've just read a thread where someone's DO has just driven a motorbike at 90mph with her 10year old on the back... Perfect example of something that is so shocking yet is being "normalised" in that relationship

Ruth, terrible typos.
Agrees=are
DO=DP
Didn't recognise myself looking back

I've changed a lot, but I think my x who was controlling and abusive was a 'blamer', so whereas my mistake was giving too much, seeking approval and giving too much, his 'mistake' was not one that he could or would ever see.

i have wondered though, whether or not he feels guilt about the way he treated me (he doesn't) would he make more effort to behave well in a future relationship.

It's a fascinating question, but luckily, only on a superficial kind of way for me now.

and,,,,,, if i said this to my x he'd just lash out with some insult but I would love to see him go to psychotherapy (like i did after i left him) and have a few insights, gain a bit of self-awareness. I'm absolutely fine now, so I honestly wish that for his sake. But I just can't see it.