Please help me be strong.

[Celestria]

My relationship is over. It was only for eleven months but I had a breakdown in January and am in recovery. I am frightened of what effect this may have on my mental health. My family and I don't speak and I have one good friend. He and the kids were everything to me.

I have been here before with him ending things and then getting back together. As much as I am very in love with him I know in my heart that we have ran our course.

I am just frightened. Frightened the anxiety and depression of the breakdown will return. Frightened that without him I will fall apart. He may change his mind but I need stability as do my kids after everything we have been through and I am starting to accept I can't make this relationship work. It will always be up and down.

I know people have much more serious issues on this board. I just feel very alone very sad and hoping someone might hold my hand a bit. And help me stay strong.

I am really sorry to hear what you are going through.
You sound very tired and I think you need to be kind to yourself and just take each day as it comes. I hope more wise ladies will come along soon.

Yes it's completely shit but what you're feeling is very normal and you'll get through it. You HAVE to pull yourself together for your children who do not deserve a mother who can't look after them to to a relationship of less than a year breaking up.

Look, if you're having problems this soon in and he's already finished with you once, it's time to take control here. Go no contact with him. List his bad point a - and I've got a feeling there'll be a few. Distract yourself - get on a few threads on mumsnet/ ask for some great book recommendations/ treat yourself and the kids to something. Distract, distract!

See the doctor if you are feeling really bad. Remember, you can control what this bloke does but you can ( and will ! ) control yourself.

And I promise you ... Do the above and none of this will mean anything in a years time...

Apologies for my typos! Hopefully you get the gist

Thank you. We are definitely over. I have just bagged up his stuff and taken off my ring. We were going to get married next September.

I think I am in a bit of shock really. Less than twelve hours ago I thought I was in a loving happy relationship.

I haven't gotten out of bed. The children are away until tomorrow. I am thinking I will give myself today to hide in bed. Then tomorrow life goes on.

I am going to college in August to train to be a counsellor. I also have lots of positive techniques to incorporate into my life.

I'm just so sad. My children are going to be so upset. My DP has pretty much lived with us for eleven months. They have been through so much in the last year. I was made homeless. We had to live in a bnb for a month. We are now in temporary accommodation and they had to change schools. Then I had my breakdown. My youngest has developed some sort of anxiety issue in that he won't leave my side now and if I leave the room he panics

This is why it needs to be over with my dp. When this happens he normally ignores me for a day or two whilst I beg him back then eventually takes me back. I need to keep my self respect and need to make sure we stay over this time. It's just scary having so recently been through a breakdown. He's been my rock.

Erm, a 'rock' doesn't turn his back and ignore you while you're upset.

A cock does though.

Please also stop projecting your relationship pain onto your dc. They may surprise you. Perhaps things with this man are the root of all the anguish in your household.

You knew this man for a very short amount of time, you've moved him into your lives very quickly, got engaged etc, all without knowing who he is at all. This year has been a whirlwind, no wonder your head's spinning.

End the relationship, focus on you, focus on your dc and things will sort themselves out.

You are in no place whatsoever for a relationship. Give yourself time to work out who you are, and how things need to be for you and your dc.

It will be ok. Slow down. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you hissy. It did all happen so so fast. I met him during a cancer scare and was very vulnerable.

I need to grow up now and be strong. I love my children to pieces and want what's best for them. That's why this time I am not trying to get him back.

Things will be okay. I'm a mess just now because there is no one around to see but I've been through enough to know life has this habit of going on whether you are a mess or not.

I have been trying to sort things out for myself and the kids. Yesterday I wrote out a daily routine in managing housework and getting more organised with kid things. Along with exercise daily and keeping a gratitude journal. I have been drifting since my breakdown. I worked fulltime just before it happened. Now I spend most days unsure of what exactly to do with myself.

I'm going to throw myself into getting life in some kind of order. Thanks for the replies.

Your lists sound really organised! Try to follow them as it keeps you on a path, but remember that it's your choice too, and sometimes things do get left for another day.

If you have someone who isn't there for you emotionally it's worse than having no-one. Having no-one is better a lot of the time, as you just have to get on with it.

Keep taking one thing at a time, be kind to yourself and do the best you can, as that will be good enough.

Remember too that the kids only really need your love and care, the rest will sort itself out eventually.

It is hissy. Having had the breakdown it's really taught me how important it is to have some structure and handle my thoughts better.

I've had some long chats with my friend and my brother. They have helped me get some perspective. Some of my upset is really just fear of feeling the way I did at the start of the year. It was the most horrific time of my life and getting so upset scares me incase I go down that slope again.

I know what I have to do though and the routine will help. As will being around my children and starting college. I know this won't last forever. I just wish I could fast forward past the tears and confusion to when it all feels okay again.

I'm lucky to have such good friends and my brother. I'm really lucky in a lot of ways. I know I didn't do anything wrong in my relationship. I did literally worship the ground he walked on. Cooked lovely dinners for after his work. Recorded things on tv I knew he liked. Made him soups for his lunches and cooked steak every Friday. Bought him little gifts and listened to his problems at work. Encouraged him with his hobbies and paid my way. I put my all into the relationship because I loved him so very much. I can move on knowing that I gave it my all.

Sounds like you really dodged a bullet there by dumping him! He's not worth someone as good as you.

Note to yourself: worshipping ground people walk on is generally not worth it, you have to see the good and the bad in people and work out where the balance is.

Wrt your fears of a relapse: i'll go out on a limb here to say the chances of that happening are remote. I think you can relax on that score.

Why?

Because you have mechanisms in place to measure your mood, you know to reach out, and the circumstances that you were going through were extreme and unlikely to be repeated in that same combination.

The fact that you are still here, having gone through everything you have experienced means you are strong; stronger than you think you are perhaps.

The more we go through, the more we're capable of going through.

Keep talking to those that care for you in RL, keep posting here. Have you tried on the Mental health board? I've never been there, but i'll bet it has a ton full of lovely people there to hear you and hand hold if you need it.

Well done! Keep going!

I think I am going to be okay. I have a little kitten asleep on my lap. He will keep me company in the evenings when the kids are in bed and at weekends when they are away with their dad. He is also making me smile

Looking back we were never going to last. So much went on in the first few months of our relationship. He has issues and so do I and I wasn't in any fit state to be in a relationship from the beginning.

I didn't have a great family life growing up and that's all I have ever really wanted. I want the family life. A quiet and contented life. I think I wanted it so much I didn't let myself see the problems we had.

I have deleted all the pictures and taken steps to prevent any contact between us after sending a few texts tonight that I shouldn't have bothered. He has changed his mind in the past but if he does this time I can't take him back.

I am going to focus on the kids and myself. Make sure I get up and put on my make up and nice clothes every morning. Get my life back in order and spend time with those that mean a lot to me. I'd like to try and build on my relationships with the other half of my relationships. And I am going to keep on working on not overthinking. That thoughts are just thoughts and you can pick the ones that don't cause you pain.

If no one minds id like to post on here for a little bit. Just until things start to feel better.

Kittens make everything better! :)

This is your thread, use it as much as you can!

Try to see that your need for a family to make up for the one you never had made you overlook things that shouldn't have been over looked.

If you invest 'your all' into yourself, you will love yourself more, and therefore will lose the vulnerability to those who aren't good for you. Are you getting therapy?

From here, you look as though you're getting there slowly (which is always best) so carry on! :)

I was in counselling until recently hissy. There has been some good to come of this relationship. The counselling helped me put some demons in my past to rest.

My brother said to me tonight , celestria , you are made of steel. He said I can't see it but I am and that's how he knows I will be okay.

My lovely friend told me that I am loving and caring and that I am the most intelligent person she knows. She told me she loved me and that I'm too smart to let myself be dragged back down by my ex.

They were lovely things to hear. The faith other people have in me made me cry. They are right though. I am strong. I am smart loving and caring. I just lost sight of that in the last year. I won't forget it again.

I am choosing to see this breakup as an adventure. Something has come to an end which is sad and hurts but it also means that something new can begin. That something new I am choosing to be learning about myself and improving myself. I'm my new project.

Kitten is currently having a very energetic battle with my elbow

I've kept myself busy today. Sorted all the clothes out and shoe cupboard. Tidied kitchen.

I haven't heard from him. He never replied to any of the texts I sent which is standard. I couldn't stop myself sending off an angry one this morning. Telling him I had had enough and he needn't bother trying to get back in my life whenever he suddenly decides he wants me back. I have now blocked his number and blocked him on fb. I found more of his stuff so chucked it in the bin. He split with me so he should have sorted his stuff out.

I'm very flat today. On autopilot I think. I flit between missing him and wishing he would stop this to reminding myself of the reasons why I shouldn't be with him.

I am going to miss the cuddles a lot. The silly things we used to do. I won't miss feeling afraid to disagree with him incase he took himself off to his mums and ignored me again. Or hearing and seeing the hate he seems to have for me when he is upset with me. Or the eye contact packets he never put in the bin. Or the moods if his poker didn't go well.

The kids haven't asked for him yet. They are used to him being around in the evening so I expect that will come later. I'm not looking forward to telling them there will be no pretty bridesmaid dresses for them.

I do have an admirer that has been texting me to see how I am doing. I won't be getting involved with anyone for a very long time but it's a nice distraction. And nice to know that even if my ex didn't want me others do. The admirer has asked me on a dinner date this weekend but I have told him I won't be ready to do anything like that for a good while.

I am going to carry on plodding along doing what needs to be done and focus on the career I will have one day and the children. And Loki the crazy kitten. He kept me company in bed last night. I went to sleep to his purring by my ear

So ladies I have had a bit of time to think and realise how lucky I have been to get away from him.

I got together with him in July. Three weeks later he randomly walked off and left me in a bar to get a taxi home. Then panicked and sent me a text to say he loved me. Red flag. I didn't reply. The next day he didn't contact me. I contacted him. He blamed me saying that I had accused him of kissing a lassie in the taxi queue. Lies. Red flag.

I forgave him. The following month he finished with me because some guy had tried to dance with me. Red flag. I forgave him.

He went in holiday to Vegas. Finished with me over a comment some lad had made in my profile pic on fb. Red flag. I took him back.

December he flipped out on me because I was chatting to the bloke next to me at a poker tournament. Left horrible abusive voicemails. Red flag.

He also told me I was privileged to be with him. I slapped him. My own red flag I suppose.

We got back together. We fell out again and it was the anniversary of my brothers suicide which always messes me up. I cut my wrist very badly. Luckily my mate was there and got me to hospital.

January. Back together. House party. Everyone taking drugs. I stupidly took some. I nearly died. He vanished off the face of the earth for two days. I had a breakdown. My family hated him. Suspected he was a dealer and emotionally abusive. Controlling and I was scared to say anything he didn't like incase he flipped out on me and left.

We split. I was seriously unwell. He got back in contact and tried to convince me my family were against me. Jealous and trying to keep me unwell. I got back with him. Fell out with most of my family.

Four months later and everything was amazing. He proposed. I accepted. Thought we had turned a corner. Every day was lovely and I was happy. Until this most recent split. He was away at a pool competition. I was out with a friend. He text at two am and said he hoped I had a nice day without him telling me what to do. That he walked on eggshells around me and it was making him sick. That I could lie and slag him off some more. That I should be with someone younger that doesn't okay mind games.

I got rid of my dog because he didn't like him. He tried to cause trouble between my best mate and I. So that I would not be friends with her anymore.

He doesn't see his own kids and never paid for them. He takes cocaine and gambles. Always angry with people at work. Cuts people off when they upset him or don't do what he wants.

Ladies. What was I thinking. In my defence my crisis team think I was very unwell mentally when I met him. Due to a cancer scare my brothers suicide two bouts of pneumonia and childhood abuse that haunted me. I was very weak and just wanted to be loved and feel safe.

Today I am relieved. I am free from him. I'm angry with myself. I allowed him into my kids lives over and over again. I'm sad because of the time wasted and all the hurt of the past year. But most of all I'm hopeful. And I'd like to think a little bit wiser. I thank god for the breakdown the counselling the meds. They have helped me become the strong person I used to be.

I am expecting him to try come crawling back. Blocked his number removed him off Facebook. If he turns up at my house I will call the police.

Now I am focusing on putting that awful chapter behind me. I am beginning training as a counsellor. Hopefully qualified in two years. I am getting my home in order and socialising with the people that are good for me. I am planning little things in the future to look forward to. I am doing a lot of self help techniques for my self esteem and I am going to be just fine. It's a lovely day here. I have a nice dress on a kitten on my knee and my youngest beside me. Life is good

Bloody hell love! What a relief you're free of him!

Print off that post and refer to it anytime your brain rewrites history and makes you wobble.

Don't feel stupid. Dumping him is the best idea you've had for a long time!

He's the stupid one, look at the state of him! Look at how he's fucked his life up, look at how silly and insecure he is.

You 'should' have dumped his arse when he left you in that bar, you know that now, right? :)

Now. Eyes, tits and teeth love, best foot forward and all that.

I worry about your reaction to your db suicide, I have to be honest. Can we talk about that for a second?

You know that it's not a right thing to do, you know how it'd hurt your dc, and even your kitten.

If we here on MN knew that we'd lost one of our own, you know, even strangers, we'd be sad.

Suicide is not the answer, Living is the answer. Make your db proud and happy for you and your dc , as he looks down. you know your brother wouldn't want you to feel as sad as he did. It'd break his heart to know you felt that pain, and worse that he had anything to do with it.

I say that as someone who made an attempt myself. You and I know that suicide can run through generations, once the taboo is broken. You don't want that to happen to your dc either do you?

Living is plan A. There isn't a plan B, you hear?

I'm proud of you, you're amazingly strong, believe in yourself, you won't be disappointed!

Thanks hissy and yep I sure do know I should have walked away that time in the bar would have saved me so much grief.

I'm in a very different place now than I was in December and have received counselling which helped me come to terms with my db suicide. There is a whole back story but basically I blamed myself for years. Please don't worry I will never do anything like that again. It seems like a lifetime away now.

I have had a lovely day today. Started off doing power poses with my poor children , two of which loved it and two that didn't repeated some affirmations with them and encouraged them to have a great day at school.

I then threw myself into the housework. Totally decluttered and got through about five loads of washing as I washed just about everything in sight. Out with the old and in with the new

I didn't cry at all today and barely thought about him. That worried me really as I wondered why I wasn't upset and was I just not allowing myself to be which isn't healthy. I think however that I am just a much stronger person than i was before the breakdown and have just plain had enough.

I have a nice weekend planned and I'm feeling happy