what is a normal relationship?

[ROUNDandROUNDINCIRCILESMORETHA]

I spoke to a friend about my relationship issues recently. She made me realise that my relationship was not good and he seems to have an attitude with me.
I have posted before about it, but now I am at a point where I feel I am no longer happy and want to consider a trial separation and see if it makes him realise what he could be losing.

I don't feel I should be fighting for His attention, he never buys me flowers even when I am ill or tells me I am beautiful, and recently I have noticed I am always saying I love you first.
I don't feel I should be doing all the hard work emotionally. We have had many problems the last two years and him not wanting to attend counselling or work on himself has put the icing on the cake really.
I tried to discuss this with him on Friday night how I felt, he went silent and the following day said I was horrible saying all these things. I can no longer do this. And he talks me like a child and like I am stupid that really pisses me off.
I read on another thread a comment that if you can't talk to someone about problems then it's not much of a relationship. The thing is he is all I have known, I would never meet anyone else and I also don't have anyone else to compare him to if his behaviour is shit and lazy.
I just wanted to get it all down because I feel quite angry this morning.

My DH never buys me flowers, keeps out if the way when I'm ill and doesn't tell me I'm beautiful. I don't do flowers, I prefer to be left alone when I'll and I'm not beautiful!

However, I'm very secure in the fact that he loves me and wants the best for me. We got married to make each other happy, not to make ourselves happy.

That's a happy relationship to me, putting the happiness of your partner ahead of yours, secure in the knowledge that they feel the same way.

A normal relationship is different. I think normal relationships tend to have lost sight of that as life gets in the way.

You're very clear about what he's not doing and your entitlement to whatever it is.
What is he doing right?

In a normal relationship - IMHO - your partner brings something positive to your life. You treat each other kindly, affectionately and respectfully as equals. When things go wrong you work as a team to put them right. If you disagree you do so without bringing the other down. However, that's my personal perspective and expectations. Other people have different/lower standards of acceptability

What strikes me about your description is that you sound beaten down lack confidence. You keep craving his affection meaning you demean yourself, accepting poor treatment and unhappiness. Even your thoughts about a future without him are dismissed because you are basing it on finding someone else and already think you are unworthy of love.

So if you're unhappy, you have to judge for yourself. Not comparing him to others (real or imagined) just the simple test.... 'am I happier when he's around or when he isn't?'.

It's not actually clear in your post if he is really treating you badly or you have high expectations.
My dh never buys me flowers and seems to get annoyed if I'm ill! But there are a lot more positives and these things wouldn't make me consider leaving him.

I think I've read some of the OP's other posts. They're using words like 'shit and lazy' about his behaviour, he talks to her with contempt ('like a child'), they mention two years of 'many problems' and he doesn't want to attend counselling... the implication being that the OP has suggested it as a solution to all the above but it has been dismissed. Even the idea of a trial separation is proposed as a way to force him to respond. I think the flowers when sick are a last straw example. It's often something trivial that tips the balance.

However, the OP doesn't have the confidence to be independent and that would be a pretty common outcome where there has been long-term unpleasant, unsupportive or dismissive behaviour rather than some big crisis.

thank you - There are many good things about the relationship that he does provide and work hard -yet sometimes, I feel that's all he does and I am here for a convenience. Does that make sense to some people.
Yes another poster is right I do not have very much confidence. I just feel I cannot be myself anymore. When we met I was very quiet and shy as the years have gone on I have grown more outgoing, and I stand up for myself when he does talk down to me. I think he does not like this at all, wants me to be submissive, and we cannot meet and agree on simple things anymore…
I read some articles and blogs today on marriage - it is interesting how familiar signs of an ending marriage were appropriate.
Disengaging
spending lots of time on line
not wanting to go to counselling.
I have a week on my own in the summer.
This will conclude what cogito said about being happy on my own ...

Well a normal relationship might be completely different to a good relationship.

I would say that a good relationship is where your partner makes you happy, and you genuinely want to make them happy as well. It can't be give and no take or vice versa. You never want to see your partner hurt, or upset, because it hurts and upsets you to see them like that. You want them to achieve their goals and they want you to achieve yours.

And also I guess you enjoy being in each others' company. You trust each other, and both parties are faithful.

Shut your eyes and think about the next five or ten years, and imagine that you are still with your partner, and the relationship is pretty much the same as it is today. If that thought fills you with happiness, then it's a good relationship. If it fills you with dread or anxiety, then it's a bad relationship.

I find Friday nights the worst time for discussions when DH and I are both knackered from the week and just need to try and relax.