Reasons I left my Ex

[Ships99]

He wouldn't let my mum in the delivery room when I was being induced 9 years ago and I desperately wanted her there. He gave an ultimatum of it's either her there or me.
Wouldn't wake up in the night for either DD for changing nappies / comforting them : he said it was my job... I had 2 C sections and struggled
Said "can't you feed the screaming baby in the other room, im tired".
Wearing ear plugs when both babies were newborns so he could sleep through them crying. They cried a lot
Me crying in the spare room... Looking out of the window in the rain while breast feeding thinking "is this it"
Not wanting to go on holiday with me and the kids.... But going on fishing holidays abroad several times. I holidayed with the kids alone.
Aggressive behind the wheel of a car / got banned from playing sport due to an outburst / several road rage things / smashed up a bookcase during an argument. Once said he would like to punch me in the face (but then walked away)
Mentioning the amount of money he had put in to house improvements compared to me. Every month.
Not supporting me when I needed it most was my parent became ill
Not supporting me when my friend died
Not wanting sex. I tried to initiate things but needed porn to get it up. Once put the iPad on my back as he had sex with me while he watched porn. Used to prefer to watch porn downstairs while I was upstairs in bed and desperate for sex and hugs.
Not listened to me for month after month when I told him I was desperately unhappy in the marriage
I wanted to shock him into listening and I said if I don't get the affection I crave... I will end up looking elsewhere.... His response "you wouldn't fucking dare"
I lost a lot of weight and my colleagues said he must be well pleased at the "new you"... I asked him why he never mentioned it.... "I prefer the fatter you.. The fatter you wouldn't have left me."
Spending money on expensive things for himself. Never me.
Feeling lonely in the house with him. Everyday
Coming back from a fishing weekend and the kids were overjoyed to see him... I thought "he's not a bad fella really.... The kids love him"... Then he looked at me and asked "whens your birthday"... Because I've booked up again to to fishing next year for six weekends. Starting near your birthday.
He never wanted to spend much time with the kids or me.
After discussing how I felt last year and about him not doing things with the kids, planned to to to a firework display... He didn't go "because I don't like fireworks"... So I took the kids by myself while he stayed at home.
Wouldn't hold hands
Argued about who would pay for meals etc when out anywhere. I was £300 overdrawn once and he knew this and still asked if I was going to pay for £30 meal. He had been paid £4000 the week before. Then on the way home, he bought £300 pair of shoes for himself.
He never ever made me feel special or told me I was beautiful. Ever.
I never felt cherished.

I need to remember these things because when he's making out he is nice and has changed and I feel sad... I forget the decade of neglect and financial control I have escaped from. It hit me this week. Like a delayed reaction of grief. Grieving for a marriage I hoped I would get. A loving marriage. But it wasn't.
I love my new home. The kids are settled. But it still hurts x

Of course it hurts.

But the rest of your life starts now.

Congratulations for leaving. And x and for you.

I think it takes a good two years to start getting past deep emotional hurt. Sounds like you've done the right thing but how long has it been since the split? How much opportunity does he get to try to manipulate you into thinking he's a better person, being nice etc? Can you go 'no contact' and keep any communication strictly business? It helps a lot.

I'm not surprised you left. He sounds like an utter tosspot.

The life you have ahead of you is full of wonderful possibilities, all at your disposal and in your control. Yeehaaaaa, enjoy!!!

Also, the iPad bit was truly appalling.

He sounds bloody awful. I'm assuming there were bouts of niceness during the marriage to have made you stay for so long? This is the normal way abusers work, to keep you off balance.

I think you need to get some counselling to deal with the long term effects of emotional abuse. There's a risk that you will end up with another abuser simply because you have no frame of reference for what is normal. MNers often recommend a Wome's Aid course - I think it might be called Pattern Changing but I can't find a page about it specifically, it's mentioned on various local pages of the WA website.

You might mean the Freedom Programme tribpot

"Once put the iPad on my back as he had sex with me while he watched porn. "

I just want to run through cyberspace and give you the biggest hug and kiss ever

What a fucking knob tosspot dickhead twat of a man!! You are FAR better off without him. I want to punch him in the face for you.

I looked at the Freedom Programme website, Cog, but it seemed very geared towards physical violence so I wasn't sure.

Is there any online courses relating to emotional abuse?? I'm going to look into that I think x
Thankyou for the support x

Freedom Programme most certainly is not just for physical abuse - online is not as good but is certainly very worthwhile.

www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme

And yep - congratulations from getting away from him - he sounds utterly abhorrent and you deserve so much more.

Reasons I am leaving.....

He is verbally abusive.

He is emotionally abusive.

He is physically abusive.

He is a selfish cunt.

He slapped one of our children across the face leaving a hand print. There was even a raised white bump outline where his fingers hit little ones face.

He makes me jump through hoops.

He constantly changes the goal posts.

He gets a semi hard on when he calls me a prostitute.

He likes to tell me in front of my children what a useless mother I am and how much I don't want them.

He put me in hospital with three cracked ribs.

He has spat in my face multiple times.

He has lifted me out of a chair with his hands around my neck.

He has head butted me.

He has kicked the shit out of me in his mothers house. She seen the marks on my face next morning and said nothing.

He has ripped new clothes that I bought.

He bent all the heels on my lovely boots.

He has said he would love to fight me like a man.

He starts threads about me on mumsnet.

Oh my god please help me get away from this man.

Yes, you do well to leave these horrible men, OP and NoNeed.

I have started the ball rolling. He is going to go mental tomorrow. Am I scared tho'?, am I bollox. This shit head is dead to me.

Just last week he hit me again but I swear to god that's the last time this bastard every touches me.

I have never hated anyone more!

Op, stay strong. Look how far you have come. You are in a new home with your children and they are settled.

I asked my twat of a husband last week and asked him what would he do if one of daughters said they had been hit and he said he would speak to the boyfriend to get his side!

I would knock him out!

These "men" will never change.

Ever.

These people will never change. I'm shocked that I tolerated it for so many years.
I feel brave and empowered and a better example now to my two DDs.
Nobody should be made to feel like that.
We all deserve to feel cherished :)

Just last week he hit me again but I swear to god that's the last time this bastard every touches me
Yes! After the ex and I split he raised his arm to hit me and I said I'd see him in court. He put his arm down. One of my best moments. I always enjoy remembering it.

He left me but at my request but

• he is a man child who never got over having to look after himself after DS was born
• he'd choose alcohol over DS and/or I
• he'd rather watch sport all day rather than do anything with DS and/or I
• I can count on both hands the number of times he has made me a meal (or even a slice of toast)
• he would wash his own clothes and leave mine and DSs in the basket
• he's debt ridden and refuses to do anything about it
• he owes me 14k but can't afford to repay me any of it (but can afford membership to 2 golf clubs)
• last weekend after one of our 'let's try again' nights I found him messaging women in POF and Ok Cupid
• the rest depresses me

So why do I still miss him?!