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Original poster

Do I tell secret that could blow worlds apart or keep my mouth shut?

52 replies

MrsDiesel · 29/06/2014 06:27

Complicated story so I will simplify as much as possible.

I had a relationship which broke down. We had a son together, split up when he was 18 months old but got back together after 18 months and went on to get married. I will call this man bob.

During the time Bob and I were separated I had another relationship with a man who I will call Roger. Roger and I were very on and off as he was a serial cheat.

One of the times we broke I had a very drunken wild weekend and has sex with Roger, Bob and another ex who I will call Henry. This was all in one weekend. I'm not proud of myself but I was on the pill and I was young (20) and stupid.

Soon after I realised I was pregnant. Went yo the doctor and from the dates given thought I had conceived whilst on holiday with Roger (two weeks prior to the crazy weekend).

Because we were very on/off Roger understandably wanted a dna test once the child was born. I agreed but was convinced that he was the father because I thought I had conceived on holiday. Bob and Henry both asked if the child was theirs and I said no.

Bob comes to look after our child whilst I am in hospital having m new baby. I was in for three days. Bob asks me to give things another go and I agree so he just never leaves. Roger by this point has another girlfriend and doesn't speak to me. He does the dna test and the baby is not his.

I confess to Bob at this point that I had my dates mixed up and there is a chance the baby is his or Henrys. Henry lives hundreds of miles away with his partner (who he cheated on with me during our ons. Bob decides the baby is his and it is never mentioned again until we split up 3 years later. He says just once that she isn't his anyway. He later apologised and it was never mentioned again. This was 3.5 years ago.

So dd is now 6, sees bob regularly and adores her dad. Every so often I do wonder if he is her dad but they love each other and Henry is married to the partner he cheated on with me, they have a daughter and another on the way.

Friday night my sister and I were discussing the possibility of Henry being dd's dad and we looked at pictures of his daughter on Facebook. The resemblance to my daughter is quite striking.

So do I tell him he could possibly be her dad? I think that is the right thing to do but it could blow his life apart.

If he decided to be involved it would upset things between dd and the dad she adores. Bob would be gutted because although he knows there is a chance he has his head truly in the sand.

I know this mess is my own fault and I should have been honest with him in the first place but I genuinely believed that she was Rogers and then I didn't know what to do after that. I just want to forget everything and carry on as we are.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDiesel · 29/06/2014 07:30

Cross post there with toapoint I think that is the right answer and what I will probably do. It is just a scary mess.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDiesel · 29/06/2014 07:33

Cogito as you say realistically it would prove his infidelity and he lives hundreds of miles away so it is highly unlikely he would ever want to be involved.

OP posts:
AuntieStella · 29/06/2014 07:35

Your DD has to be amongst those tested, in any test scenario.

Would she and your DS be able to keep the test from Bob? If you tell them not to mention it, it makes it more memorable; if you don't they might mention it. How would Bob react if he discovered the existence of a secret test from one of his DC?

Original poster
MrsDiesel · 29/06/2014 07:38

I wasn't planning to tell them what I was doing. I was just going to say I was checking if their teeth are clean properly or something. Maybe give them a disclosing tablet afterwards (the ones that show plaque as purple in their mouth) so if they did mention anything it would be the purple teeth and not a quick swab? Or do it while they are sleeping maybe?

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDiesel · 29/06/2014 07:39

I really want to do nothing but is that unfair to dd?

If it ain't broke don't fix it.....

OP posts:
QuizzicalCat · 29/06/2014 07:42

I'd do the sibling test.

If it turns out that dd is Henry's I'd tell him as he has a right to know, but I'd expect nothing from him.

I'd also tell dd. Some might find that strange, but she is at an age where she can be told that Henry is technically her bio father because it was his 'seed' but that Bob is, and always will be her Daddy because he loves her so much. Telling her now would just make it a part of her life, part of her accepted normal at a young enough age where she will accept it and carry on. It only becomes a massive issue if you make it one.

If she finds out when she's older it could blow her relationship with both you and Bob.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 29/06/2014 07:48

This is not about DD really, it's about your need to know. There are many children being brought up by fathers that aren't biological, no-one is any the wiser and there are no repercussions. However, in this instance Bob (& others) is already in on the story, even if he is choosing to ignore it. I think you need to be honest with Bob about the strength of your feelings, talk properly through the implications of the various outcomes, and then make a decision how to proceed between you.

Billynomates71 · 29/06/2014 07:58

This happened to my db. He had a gf, she got preg, told him it was his, then later in the preg she said it wasn't, he was very hurt and they split(understandably) and he didn't see her for years. Then one day he bumped into her mother very randomly. She expressed a doubt about the dc's parentage. DNA tests were done and the child was in deed his. Child was at this point now 5yo.

My db became involved as his dad, child had things explained to him, and now has two dads (neither of which are with his mother). Child is now nearly 15yo and secure, confident, undamaged by the experience. It has been tough on all the adults involved, and required a lot of discussion and diplomacy to rectify a shitty situation brought about by youthful mistakes, but it can be done.

I think you should get the DNA tests done and come clean. It will come out one day, whether you want it to or not. Better under your terms than having your hand forced.

Original poster
MrsDiesel · 29/06/2014 08:02

Thanks for all opinions and advice. The children are waking up now so I am leaving the thread for a bit.

I have a lot to think about clearly.

OP posts:
lowcarbforthewin · 29/06/2014 09:09

I would strongly advise finding out now and if it turns out bob is not her dad being honest with your dd. introducing the idea at this age and answering more questions as she grows up will lead to her feeling you've been honest with her. I have heard so many stories of people finding out they were, say adopted, or born as the result of sperm donors, and they report feeling their whole life has been a lie, and they sometimes have huge identity crises. If you tell her now, she isn't really of an age to fully comprehend it so it won't be as scary to her. It will be something she grows up with, she will also grow up knowing she can trust you and you are honest with her, which is very important. There is a chance if you suddenly had to tell her in adulthood for medical reasons that she'd feel very betrayed and lied to.

Also do you really want to be walking around with this big unknown? It's a big worry to have.

Goodadvice1980 · 29/06/2014 09:17

OP, I would arrange a DNA test as your daughter deserves to know the truth (either now or when she is older).

I know of a "secret cousin" I have and it is awful to see my other family members knowing what I do and carrying such a secret. No one else in the family knows about this except my mother.

The truth sets you free!

emms1981 · 29/06/2014 11:28

We now live in a time where people are born from donated sperm and eggs and the people raising them are the parents so the medical history part seems to have gone out the window,
I can't see any good coming from rocking the boat now, as you say she has a dad who loves her and I think that is the most important thing.

Isetan · 29/06/2014 11:36

Your DD is at the centre of a secret / lie and she has a right to know the truth, which means you have a responsibility to confirm or disprove that Bob is her bio dad. If Bob isn't her father, then you will have some work to do to minimise the impact this has on her but maintaing the secret/ lie isn't protecting her, it protects you.

I live in the Netherlands and there is a programme on Dutch television called DNA unknown. I thought it would be a Jeremy Kyle type horror show but it isn't, it's a series of stories of middle aged people whose uncertainty over their parentage has caused them distress and the question they all seem to have is "Why didn't my mother tell me?".

The longer you leave it, the greater the chance that you'll continue to lie.

Isetan · 29/06/2014 11:41

emms1981, there is a reason that children now born from sperm donation have the right to know who their biological father is.

hidingidentity · 29/06/2014 11:51

I was going to bring up the sperm donation issue too, as that's how my two were conceived. All the evidence points to telling. If children are told when they are young, their genetic origins become part of their birth story, and they develop their understanding of it very gradually and naturally. If they are told as a big reveal when they are older, or worse, they find out by accident that they have been lied to, then they tend to feel resentful, and have a much harder job dealing with it.

From a personal point of view, I would have a hard job knowing that the adults around me all knew something pretty major about my origins, and decided not to tell me. I feel that those facts "belong" to the child, at least as much as to the adults.

I realise that you're in a much trickier position than me though, as we had a lot of time and counselling before the conception to think about this.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi · 29/06/2014 11:58

I can see how just ignoring it all would be so much easier in the short term

Worrying about Bob and Henry is all very well but it is your dd this most affects

Perhaps if you were the only one who knew then the truth might never come out, but other people know too and it only takes one comment,one overheard conversation, one drunken remark or slip in the heat of an argument and is that how you want your daughter to find out? I think if that happened, and there's no way of guaranteeing it won't, you would lose a lot of her trust

If you can do the sibling test quietly with no one else involved then I think you should do that, then you will have time to deal with the results and decide how to deal with them in the best interests of your daughter

MarieJeanne · 29/06/2014 11:59

I would do a sibling test even if only to satisfy my own curiosity. Whether or not you inform Bob and Henry is up to you. I would probably tell Bob if he's the father and keep schtum if it's Henry, but I think your dd deserves to know sooner or later.

Birdsgottafly · 29/06/2014 12:01

My cousins were in this situation, as the half siblings.

The affair was revealed after their parents passed away and the inability to track down their half sibling has blighted their life and clouded their memory of their (once wonderful) parents.

My DH has a lot of drug use on his side if the family which has meant Foster Care, half siblings etc.

I also work with dysfunctional families (fostered/adopted etc).

People generally want to know the truth, about their origins.

Will Bobs opinion never change, even if he goes on to have more children?

That's a big lie to keep.

5madthings · 29/06/2014 12:06

Do the sibling test and then you will know if they are full siblings. Once you know if they are or not then you will be able to move forwards and decide what to do. Your daughter has a right to know her genetic parentage.

Dirtybadger · 29/06/2014 12:12

On the basis that I would be devastated if I found out everyone else (father, mother, aunt, more?) knew my father wasn't my bio father, except me, I would get a DNA done. I would feel completely betrayed. The others will have to deal with it. If they turn out to be full siblings I wouldn't say anything...you're getting it so that your dd is brought up with an honest understanding of her life, not to comfort dh.

Original poster
MrsDiesel · 29/06/2014 12:23

You are all completely right, I will do the sibling test and deal with it from there.

Funnily enough I found out three years ago that my dad wasn't my bio dad. I actually wish I hadn't found out and nothing has changed between me and my dad at all. He chose to be there for me. I accept I am probably the exception in preferring I didn't know though. DD has the right to know either way. And as pointed out, the earlier she is told the better?

OP posts:
todayisnottheday · 29/06/2014 12:23

Do the sibling test and tell no-one. If it comes back as h being the father get someone to talk to, perhaps a counsellor, and go through all the options and ramifications until you feel confident in whatever decision you make. Once the cat is out you cannot afford to dither or be unsure as you will be the person holding everything together as well as the person in the firing line from several directions.

If it's well handled your dd should cope well after the initial bit but you need to be a rock for her.

Fairenuff · 29/06/2014 19:47

You should do the right thing by your dd. Have the test so that she knows for sure who her father is.

tiredandsadmum · 29/06/2014 20:08

quizzicalcat summarised it well for me. The sibling test gives you a good starting point.

Quitelikely · 29/06/2014 21:05

Before you say anything to Henry you need to get a DNA test with bob. Then if she isn't his. You could always tell her the truth now, while she is still young. Children can process things like this much better than say when they're in their teens.

I do feel sorry for Henry's wife. This could all blow up in your face. Bob might get annoyed, Henry could be annoyed, especially if his wife kicks him out. And your dd could end up with no father.