*His* money...

[TakesTwo]

What would your reaction be if your DH told you that:

You should be grateful for all you have as you have it thanks to his job.

The money are his money.

His hineritance is his alone, to do what he wants with it.

He does not have to consult with you how it is spent.

You should be grateful that he gives You half of his salary (of which all goes to family stuff being the one with the kids 24/7 btw).

You were out of order to take money from him to pay for the school lunches.

You should be grateful as no other man divides his salary with his wife.

Over to you.

Get copies of financial documents and wages and bank account details - set up a bank account for me alone and get a solicitor to LTB as thats financial abuse.

I have it all. My H believes he is very generous. He has no concept of sharing, only of giving and receiving, which does not sit well with me.

I have all paperwork as he does not even look at bank accounts, nor opens his mail. He is abusive out of lazyness and selfishness.

I am not justifying, just explaining.

I'd divorce him and take half of everything, personally.

I was going to say I would hire my solicitor , but seems that you're already clear on what to do.

Good luck.

I am not at that stage yet. I am going to tell H in the next few days. I am waiting to calm down, so that I do not answer his possible anger, to hather strength. I am quiet and distant.

Despite the awful argument and the distance I have kept for two weeks i am sure H prob thinks I am PMS (!!) and that he is being an honorable gentleman bybpaying for my papers and offering to leave me dinner (i am going out by myself instead of spending day with his family as I cannot bear pretending one more minute). This attitude, employed in the past, has always made me want to scream but now has the effect of make me [vomit] and more resolute.

He knows that half is legally mine. He thinks morally it isn't. I am lost for words.

Unfortunately because my father has alwsys said the same to my mother for decades it is hard for me to accept it, to hear it, to not tbe hurt by it.

So you plan on telling him that you are starting divorce proceedings?

Will you have to live in the same house while the divorce goes through?

What if he withdraws all money from you? How will you pay the solicitor? (My Ex did that, froze our joint accounts).

For God's sake get some money set aside. You are at risk of having any funds put completely out of your reach as soon as you make your move.

Definitely transfer enough to a sole account for solicitors costs and living costs if you have enough to do it- he sounds like the sort to empty the joint account out of spite.

And do this before he has any idea.

Get legal advice as everyone else has said. My situation is slightly different - my husband thought that way but neglected to tell me everything was his and I had no rights to anything, he tied it all up with his family without me knowing, I gave up work to look after dcs, 9 years later I filed for divorce and it's all come out, I stand to get nothing and there is nothing I can do about it - I have to start all over again with dcs but I am glad I left. Best of luck :)

If he knows that legally what he says isn't true then he is assuming you are in a different place due to the marriage and you are going to agree this situation based on his 'moral' assessment.

The fact that you have access to all the paperwork and know what is what is a huge benefit to you in deciding what you want to do.

Pulling the family apart just cos he's being an ass is possibly not the best plan. You need to think about what you want to do and in what time frame. Is he just trying it on or is he stuck in this position? If its the latter unfortunately no amount of negotiation is going to change his view. Inheritance depends on when its received, so if you and he went your separate ways pre him receiving it that would be different to it coming your way whilst still together.

It always amazes me how people can take the step of getting married, make these vows about Im yours and youre mine and then say oh but nothing about my single life should change.

If this is the only 'abuse' issue you face, take your time and plan what you want to do carefully. You do need a fund of your own though seeing as his attitude is likely to want to cut you off financially if you rebel against his view of the natural order. I would build a nest egg if I were you.

I have some money on my name so that tax wasn't paid on interests. They are officially the dc' money his dad left for them. I would not spend them on anything unless forced to. But it is good to have them. Plus I have a p/t job, i can buy food with that. And I'll sit tight on the house, paid partly with the sale of my flat.

I would hope it will not come to that but as you've all been telling me it may well happen. I am prepared. I just do not give a shit anymore.
He instead looks a bit like a lost soul. I wonder if he thinks I am having an affair (been out to friends' houses most night and not with him at weekends)! That'd be my worst nightmare.

Briefly met his family before I left today and once again I am struck by how much they all regulate their lives according to fixed rules and roles. There is no space for common sense or somebody elses's opinion or feelings. Suffocating is an understatement.

Oh this sounds like a very familiar story to me, i have had similar of my hisband for last 10 years. He earns twice as much as me, we pay 50/50 pn the bills, seperate bank accounts. His money is his to do with what he will, i have no say in it at all and my salary is for me and little one. Everything in the house i have bought - childs bedroom furniture, all our furniture,beds, wardrobes etc, basically anything you see that isnt a tv. I never questioned it until recently and we are now splitting due to that and other factors. We recently went on holidays and he soent a grand total of £20 then boasted on facebook about how much he had spoiled our little one -FFS he lives in a complete dream world where it is 1950s and he is the king, similar to your current situation. He wont change so i am divorcing him and taking him for every penny i can get :) suggest if he opts to not treat you as equals that you consider your exit options and plan, plan and plan again x