I find sex tense, terrifying or plain cringeworthy...

[SilverSilverSilver]

... and yet seem compelled to seek it out.

I was with XH for the best part of eight years and we had sex almost every day, bar the odd day of illness or nights away from each other. I had about a fortnight max after each of my children's births without sex. We didn't have sex the day he left either. That's it.

In all this time I never got over the tension, I couldn't even look him in the eye for more than a second. I initiated most of this but I have no idea why. I want it over as soon as I start. I am exactly the same with other partners, all of which have been casual, FB-type arrangements. I still feel inwardly tense and awkward. I can't make eye-contact. A partner has never made me orgasm. They do not seem to notice as I am not physically tense and am outwardly enthusiastic. Inwardly, I'm in knots. I still compulsively initiate it.

I recently found out he was shagging other people throughout our relationship and it has brought my unhealthy attitude to sex sharply into focus. The scale of it is depressing. I'm still amazed he managed it. I'm amazed I managed it. What was the point?

As a child I was inappropriately touched by a much older boy. It made me scared to 'grow up'. I used to flatten my breasts with tight dark clothing, kept myself underweight to stop my periods. I was terrified of kissing (even if I really liked the potential boy). It held me back massively until one day I just snapped. I became quite promiscuous and dressed provocatively in the most inappropriate situations. Friends often remark how uncomfortable I made people feel, in my appearance and the odd stuff I came out with. I grew out of this when I left my teens, and appear quite normal and "together" now (thank God). I'm absolutely not normal though .

I am single, gratefully so. I have no desire to be part of a couple, but seem to make a huge effort to maintain sexual relationships without ever feeling intimacy or actually enjoying it. I am very careful to avoid exposing this side of myself to my children, I never want them to pick up on it. I need to stop it.

Lovely you are punishing yourself for something that wasn't your fault, please seek out some counselling, be kind to yourself and accept that there are people out there that care and will want to help you.

What you describe sounds like it comes from some deep seated hatred of men and of yourself, the first point for good reason the 2nd point because you may deep down blame yourself for being noticed by this older lad and him abusing you.

In essence your recreating the same circumstances over and over again, unless you can talk this through with a professional the cycle will never stop.

For you

I want to add that also the sex you describe is where you are In control of who and where, in reality your not, the past experience controls you so you feel the urge to keep doing it.

The definition of madness, doing the same thing over and over hoping for a different outcome.

Thanks for replying. I had never considered it a punishment dynamic but you are right.

I think I do hate men. I don't hate my dad, or my friends, or my brother, or son. But anyone in a sexual capacity, I do resent. I feel like a conquest. I hate that used feeling.

I had counselling in the past but maybe deeper therapy would help.

Morning op

When I say you hate men, what I mean is that every man you sleep with becomes your past abuser, that fact that you have chosen them may unconsciously give you a sense of power and control, which is not what you had when you were a young girl.

In essence lovely your still that little girl trying desperately to take back that control you never had, it has left you vulnerable and in limbo. If you could re connect with the child you were and deal with what happened and in some way accept or come to terms with what happened, your unconscious can begin to put it in to the past where it needs to be. This doesn't and won't completely ever go away, but you maybe able to heal enough to stop what's going on for you, break the cycle and gain some peace of mind.

If you want to look up a long word google disassociation, then if you want to talk to someone there is a help line run by a charity called PODS they are in Cambridgeshire have a help line and train therapists. The people are lovely and have personal experience of what you have gone through, and is completely confidential.

0800 181 4420 the website packed full of information and you are not alone. All the best

Hi Guilty

Thanks so much for the number and the insight. I've managed to secure myself a good counselling outlet and hopefully it will sort a few things out.

I've been treated for dissociative symptoms in the past, so you mentioning it was very significant.

Much appreciated advice.

Hi lovely

Thanks very much for the update I was thinking of you
I really really hope you get I won't say closure hate that word
but some peace at last. Remember you are not a victim you are a survivor and let that be the first building block of a steady foundation for you to continue going forward with.

I wish you all the best