What to do when the narcissistic relative hits rock bottom?

[Meid]

My SIL (DH's sister) has NPD. Diagnosed by me, but I have no doubt. Over the last few years her life has gone downhill: not being able to hold down a job for too long, not being able to get a job that earns anything other than commission (so only have her word for it as to how much she is/is not earning), losing friends, getting into debt, on and off drinking.

She is not married and has no children. DH is basically her fallback when things get tough. So far we have managed to avoid her costing us too much money and energy but I am pretty certain she is on the verge of claiming to have no money. She has just lost a job and both DH and my other SIL are about to come into a little bit of money. It will just be too much for the NPD SIL and her sense of entitlement.

So, for anyone with experience, how do you react if your NPD relative is claiming to not even have enough money to eat? Especially when you know they don't have many people to rely on?

This is really an ongoing problem. I can't see her ever getting her act together adequately and have even almost made peace that she may have to live with us one day if she has no where to go. Or at least we will have to share her with my other SIL.

Cutting her out of our lives not an option, although we have greatly reduced contact over the last year or so. DH feels he should look after her, I just see her as unwell.

Any thoughts appreciated.

I currently have a thread about my NPD SiL. I'm trying to cut contact entirely.

Totally with you on the money thing. My SiL is in debt which she's dodging and can't hold onto a job.

She doesn't actually ask for money but hints and hints and hints about it. Quite aggressively at times.

She's also single and has no children in her mid-30s but lives with her mum in a weird co-dependent scenario

How old is she?

And sorry, what is NPD?

You sound very kind and tolerant. She is lucky.

If she is unwell she should see a mental health professional and get a diagnosis and treatment and would be able to claim ESA and other benefits to live on. It is not just up to you DH and her SIL to support her.
Try to get her assessed properly when/if she goes into meltdown

Instead if giving money, give her good. If she has money and is angling for more, this will really annoy her

Don't have her live with you, that will put a massive strain on you own home life.

I have a narc mum and have very little contact. I went to a psychic, and whether or not you believe, it was a bit of fun. But one this she did say was that she was going to try and come back into my life with a problem and I had to be sure that did not have to do anything she said and I could do as much as I wanted,even if it was nothing.

Whether or not this is true, who knows. But I know she will have to be dealt with at some point and that is good advice to live by.

And same with you. You do not have to do anything.

Food. Not good.

Silly auto correct

Yes to all the advice posted above, set up a tesco delivery for her & observe her reaction.

She needs to be assessed by outside agencies to see if her dysfunctional behaviour can be managed in some way.

Is there a possibility for you to spend the inheritance on paying off debts, clearing mortgage etc so it is not accessible? If you no longer have it then there is no tempation for your dh to hand the cash over.

Meid,

Your SIL reads on many levels like my BIL; I could have written part of your post re the behaviours word for word.

It may sound harsh but do not sub out his sister at all with a Tesco delivery; she likely does have enough money to eat and sees you both
(particularly her soft touch brother) as someone to use as she sees fit. A single Tesco delivery will not make a hill of beans difference here. The only people that actually bother with narcissists are those who have received "special training" ie people like your brother who grew up with her. These people are honestly really not worth bothering with.

What are his parents like btw?. Are they still around?.

You must put it out of your mind now to have her live with you at some point as well. Having her live with you is the very WORST thing you can do!!!. You will destroy your own life and family if she moves in; its as simple as that.

She is after that money that will be soon partly inherited by your DH.

That's her main focus.

I would suggest you read "Children of the Self Absorbed" written by Nina W Brown.

Your DH needs to completely reassess his own relationship with his sister and have low contact with her if no contact is not an option (why is that when your SIL is more likely than not to cut you off out of spite anyway). You can and must completely reassess your approach here. Also you would not tolerate ANY of this from a friend, family are no different and his sister would soon find another sap to use. His boundaries re her are currently set way too low and yours are also somewhat shaky and too low also (ie thinking about having her move in with you one day).

Narcissists do not respond at all well in or to therapy so suggestions for her to see a mental health professional are unfortunately a wasted effort. Also narcissists do not believe that there is anything wrong with them and their actions anyway and these people even if they did get into some kind of therapy would require many, many years work along with a skilled therapist.

She does not want your help and would not accept it from you anyway (money though she would accept!). She is superior to everyone else, you are but "little people" to her and only "little people" have consequences for their actions.

From experience with a close relative with a similar life, don't get sucked in. Sorry to mix metaphors, but you will be bled dry, emotionally and financially. People like this lurch from one crisis to another, usually of their own making. You see it differently, because you are a normal functioning person who wants to make it right. So do they......but only for themselves.
You will feel mean, cruel, heartless but you have to protect yourself and your Dh.

"People like this lurch from one crisis to another, usually of their own making. You see it differently, because you are a normal functioning person who wants to make it right. So do they......but only for themselves. You will feel mean, cruel, heartless but you have to protect yourself and your Dh".

Precisely, I would echo every single word of the above.

Self preservation is paramount here. Not his self absorbed sister.

Been there , done that. Narcissists always "win" because they are completely self absorbed, superior and quite effing useless at life without drama.
Keep your kindness for you and yours and keep out of the drama. I know that is hard for "normal", empathetic people,but don't get into the paradigm of doubting your initial instinct with these types or you will learn a lesson that you may not be strong enough and ballsy enough to recover from.

She can claim benefits like anyone else in her situation. Stay out of her way and don't engage with her.

Thank you for all the responses. I do appreciate it.

I might come across as kind but it is just that I have had years of the frustrations she brings in our lives and I have made big efforts to reach an element of acceptance for the sake of my family. We have drastically reduced contact in recent years which has helped.

Reading back my original post, though, I am going to go back on what I said about her living with us one day. She is the last person I would want my DCs to be around on a daily basis. Terrible influence. Last time we saw her she left a vibrator out for my DD to find... the immature side of her thought this was funny and cool.

Moving on. We are not in the UK. I am not aware of any benefits that would be available to SIL. Also, no NHS so any assessments etc would cost us. I have absolutely no idea how I would get her to agree to assessment though. I did check online and I found a psychologist who also does life coaching and it crossed my mind to tell SIL we are treating her to life coaching but for us to get feedback on her mental well being. I am not sure that would be morally right, though, but it would be good to have some professional advice.

I do like the idea of organising a shop to be delivered. We would be more comfortable with that and I suspect she would be infuriated. I will definitely consider this.

My DH is from a different culture to my own. He is the only son (both parents died before I knew him) and he feels himself to be responsible in some way. He says she is like a sword hanging over his head but he could never completely turn his back on her. He isn't totally soft with her, though, and is in total agreement with the things I have posted her.

There are other people in SILs life who may help but I can't see anyone giving her money (as she claims she needs). One friend, a married couple, offered for her to live in their guest flat rent free so SIL could rent her place out and live off the rental income. SIL declined and told me it was because the husband of the couple gets on better with her than he does his own wife and it would be awkward. Such a typical viewpoint from her.

Anyway, thanks again and I will look up that book recommendation.

(It is actually very hard to write about her without wanting to go into loads of different examples of things she has done and said. When I first new her I used to feel like I needed counseling after each meeting.)

Your kindness will be abused by the narcissist.

Do not whatever you do start paying for any clinical assessment; it will be a complete waste of your time, money and effort.

I doubt very much that your SIL will ever be clinically assessed as many narcissists never end up in therapy anyway. Narcissists as well do very poorly in therapy also because they think they have done nothing wrong
in the first place.

Do not organise a shop delivery either particularly as you think this would also infuriate her.

As Stooshe rightly states keep your kindness for you and yours and keep out of the drama.