PMT, arguments, feeling taken for granted. Is it me?

[PenelopeGarciasCrazyHair]

Dp and I had a stupid argument about a miscommunication, I got annoyed, it got a bit heated, he hung up on me, I called him a self-centred c* (not proud, I never use that word) but we sort of sorted it out by phone and face time yesterday and I honestly thought it would be ok today.

However, when he came round today he wasn't himself and apparently neither was I, apart from an initial hug/kiss he didn't touch me once, we sat and watched some TV, he sat at the other end of the sofa. I would usually snuggle up to him and spend the whole time stroking his arms and legs while watching TV, but his dd was on his lap the whole time, so I didn't. Not sure if I would have anyway, but it didn't help and whenever he suggested she go and play with the other DCs she refused and stayed put, so if seemed like we could have found some time to try and get back to normal, but that didn't happen.

I know there are hormonal issues at play (pmt but irregular periods, so this has gone on for a few weeks now) but it just feels like something has changed, the spark has gone. He didn't even smell the same today. It feels like someone flicked a switch and within 2 days I've gone from completely besotted to really don't even feel like I know him.

Does anyone else have this at the TOTM? I know with my XH I used to get the same thing (should have listened sooner to that one though!) but I wonder if it's like 'in vino veritas' - that it's a truer unfiltered version of your actual feelings, or is it totally skewed and in a few days I'll be back to normal? Normally after an argument when I see him everything is ok again.

We've been together 2 years. Btw, all opinions welcome, but please don't start a 'how is he your DP if you don't live together' bunfight - logistics of 2nd families aren't straightforward and we both put our DCs needs above our wish (or not!) to live together.

I have crazy PMT I am just nuts when it is TOTM

cannot really offer advice, but mate, i feel your pain :)

For me, my true emotions come to the surface about a week before my period until a day or two into it. I'm going through quite a few stresses at the mo and I can contain it all month. However, for the last 2 or 3 months my true feelings/emotions have really affected me during the lead up. Perhaps your feelings have been changing towards him slightly and it's really become noticeable now your hormones have peaked?? Being on the pill can help...are you on it at the mo? Maybe ask to change brands?

Thanks rodg! I've told him to give me a few days as I know this won't get any better until shark week arrives. How does your dp handle it (mine has been told that throwing around the accusation "oh TOTM is it?" doesn't help, but I can still hear it being said silently in his head!)

Thanks mama, no not on the pill, didn't get on with it. I do feel a bit like he takes me for granted but most of the time I happily bend over backwards to do nice things for him like the stroking/being physically affectionate, making him whatever food he fancies whenever he asks for it. He buys me flowers and pays for dinners and holidays, so he definitely isn't a cock lodger, but despite our modern set-up we have quite a 'traditional' relationship.

In fact today at one point I offered him a sweet and he sat there with both hands still on his iPad and motioned for me to unwrap it and put it in his mouth. I automatically did it for him and then thought 'wtf am I doing?!' - I said this aloud. He questioned why I wouldn't do it and I was lost for words. Normally I would just do it, but it's like suddenly I'm thinking he's taking the piss.

In a way I really hope this passes because I know our relationship won't survive unless I can revive that desire to do anything for him, but at the same time, I can't keep doing it if it makes me resentful that it isn't reciprocated.

He always says that's why other peoples relationships aren't as good as ours, because they stop wanting to make each other happy.

We struggled horrendously as I was a nightmare in all the pills I tried. My answer was the mirena coil, I know it gets a bad press but it has less hormones than even the mini pill and it is right for me.

Ok....so would he unwrap a sweet and pop it into your mouth?

Thought about the copper coil Joysmum, but (tmi alert) it's not that often that I would actually get the benefit, as most of the time we don't do piv anyway - and no, not that either!

Mamma, he would if I asked, but I certainly wouldn't ask or expect it and I certainly wouldn't act affronted if, after an argument about me being self-centred, he questioned why he was doing it.

Any other advice gratefully received, thanks.

No, just me then? I'll do an Aibu next time!

It's not just you, for sure. I get horribly ratty at the TOM too. But at the same time, my relationship isn't as traditional as yours and I wouldn't normally be quite so giving in those ways so it's not likely to highlight anything if I'm not so generous!! My DP and I have been together much less time as well, so I don't have the same history as you.

I wonder though whether you have taken on very 'traditional' roles out of habit rather than because you truly love being that way (what was your relationship like with your XP out of interest?) and now a bit of time has passed you are questioning whether the habit is who you really want to be?

I only ask because there are things I used to do/be like with my XH that would feel easy to slip back into with my DP now, but that also wouldn't make me happy in the long run. So I'm consciously different in many ways with him. It's good because I feel like I have an awareness of why I was so unhappy before but it's bad because it's quite an effort to check myself sometimes and change my behaviour/expectations around being with a (wonderful and totally different) DP.

Do you usually feel like his traditional masculine role makes you feel cherished and looked after? There has to be some balance and not everyone wants to be an independent strong 'don't need you' kind of girl. So it's not wrong to take the nurturing, giving role. As long as you feel it's acknowleged and appreciated in return.

BTW overall I love my mirena but after 4 month of no period at all I'm now in a 10 day bleed that seems to be going on forever... no sign of a let up yet. I'm told after 6 months it'll sort itself out, but just a warning that it's not a miracle overnight cure! x

also having DC and SDC around is bound to challenge the make up stage. I know my DP is very different in 'daddy mode' and while I find it sexy as hell sometimes to see him being a responsible lovely parent, and he's brilliant with mine, he sees his far less than I see mine and it does make him more protective and barriered with the time they spend together. At the moment I prefer him to see his DC on his turf and invite me in, as a pose to seeing them at my place. Do you always host when the SDC are around or can you give each other some wiggle room in that respect?

2 years is a long time - I don't think one (admittedly upsetting) argument should spell the end, but a child free conversation is probably needed asap if you can get one.

Been with DH 30 years, there are good times and bad times, I could happily have left sometimes if he didn't earn so much more than I did

Maybe give yourself 6 months to see if it sorts out.

I think he needs to be the "giver" sometimes too. It should be a two way street. And I don't mean buying flowers, I mean the positive strokes & nurturing & taking care of you too.

Thanks Nef.

Do you usually feel like his traditional masculine role makes you feel cherished and looked after? There has to be some balance and not everyone wants to be an independent strong 'don't need you' kind of girl. So it's not wrong to take the nurturing, giving role. As long as you feel it's acknowleged and appreciated in return.

I do enjoy the nurturing and giving side of the relationship but I'm also trying so hard to be independent and strong, so it's an awkward balance for me. He always used to pay more towards things but I've tried to pay my way a bit more since I've been earning a bit more and I think that may have highlighted the imbalance further, because the traditional lines have been blurred.

XH wasn't very receptive to being hugged and touched outside of bed and he was quite critical of my cooking etc so having someone appreciate my efforts has been really nice for me, but as you say, it used to come with a bit more support and respect from him. He does acknowledge that he takes the piss wrt back tickles etc while I doing it, but if I ever mention that I feel things are one sided he gets defensive and denies it.

That's it MW he 'buys' his way into my affection with gestures, gifts, holidays etc which is lovely, but it's the little things that I really need to feel loved. When he puts his arm round me his hand is bunched into a fist, I have to flatten it out and place it on me to make him touch me. Then he'll realise and stroke my hair for bit or something, but he soon forgets and stops.

I will wait until after the totm is over and done and then try to talk about things when it's all calmed down.

Why nobody says that calling him "self-centred c.nt" is really unacceptable?
If OP wrote that she's been called that word everyone on here would more likely advise her to think of leaving him.

I do always host the sdcs at the weekend, but their house isn't really set up as well for it, my DSs end up sleeping on his sofa whereas I bought bunks for DD's room & have a campbed so that his can stay here. Another source of frustration for me! It's easier for ds1 (14) to be here so he can go out with his friends, whereas at DP's house he'd be bored and annoying!

BMW I did apologise to him for that. In my defence he said (& this is not the first time) that I was fucking mental, but as I said, I don't usually swear at him at all, let alone call him that. I was so livid at him dismissing my concerns and hanging up on me.

Blended families are tough & everyone swears sometimes!

Penelope & themidwife
Please don't take me as though I believe that a couple should split up because of swearing. I guess it's down to personal choice what is acceptable. I only wrote it cause I find many views on MN very sexist and intolerant towards men. Everyone expects everything from men and so little on how we as women mistreat our men too and the mistakes we do.

Fwiw BMW I agree with you. It really gets me down when he swears at me, I have split up with him before after he told me to shut the fuck up, but I forgave him for that and we sorted out the initial root cause of that particular argument.

However, once you allow that sort of language and attitude into a relationship it sort of takes root. I need to address that as well as the other stuff, instead of swearing and name-calling myself I need to remain calm and dignified to show him how unacceptable that is to me.

Anyone with tips on how to manage that whilst in the throes of PMT please speak up! At the moment my course of action seems to be just avoid him for a week, but that sucks.