Helping a friend through a separation

[PrettyReckless]

My friend has told me that her and her 'd'h have seperated as he has been having an affair for several months.

There was an alleged emotional affair of his part a couple of months ago and they were working through things. I had my doubts that it was only emotional but let her go through it.

Now it's come out it was a full blown affair, he's admitted it and feels guilty for ruining their marriage.

She has kicked him out but I worry she'll have him back. That's her choice and for them to work through so I've been very careful not to tell her my opinion.

But help me, how do I support her through this without shouting LTB at the top of my lungs!? That's how I feel and I'm conscious that she has been with him 15 years + and 3 children; to her, she can't see the wood through the trees.

Any advice?

If you've been through similar, what would you want your friends to do to support you? What was a big "no no" to say?

I just don't want to say the wrong thing but I also want to support her as much as I can.

I've so far said dont make rash decisions and suggested seeing a solicitor to talk over options. I've also asked her if she can trust him again.

It's a mess and I feel so sorry for her.

I've been in the same position as your friend! And I've also been in your position too!

Be there for her! She will ring in tears, many times! Go round, ring. text if you can. Go out with her whenever possible. Weekends are the worst, especially when her exH starts to have the children.

Listen! Offer your opinion, gently but don't push it!

She may have him back, but she will eventually (it may take time) come to realise that she can do better.

You sound like a great friend. My friends have got me through this - twice!! they are worth more than any man!!!

Big 'no, no's are:

talking not listening.
slagging him off
giving your opinion.
Taking control of her life,
Making decisions for her.
Telling her what to do.

Big Yesses are:

Listen. Listen so more and then listen again. Even if you have heard the story before.

Let her get angry. Let her have moments of great self-pity.

Let her cry and reassure her that you don't mind seeing her cry.

Let her discuss her wants, hopes, worries. Don't minimise them.

Reassure her that her reaction is normal.

Don't let her blame herself for his affair.

Do things which will help her re-build her self-esteem. Remind her of the reasons why you choose to be her friend, what is great about her.

Remind her of any achievements she has had that she's done without him.

If you can, help her out with the kids so she can get out and do a few things for herself (get a haircut, or just go for a long walk and have a good cry in private).

These are all the things I've benefited from, and it's helped.

You are a good friend!

I am in your friends position.
Listen lots
Let her come over whenever she needs to.
Dont tell her stories about ppl who have stayed togetjer or left and found happiness. Where she is now it will all sound like crap.
Offer to have children.
Dont slag off her husband. She might give him another go and it will be difficult for her to share things with you.
Do feel free to slag off ow if u both know her (might be just me that found that helpful.

Sorry breastfeeding and typing/text speak is crap i know

Thank you everyone, some fantastic advice. I'm a friend but not a best friend but one I think she can lean on because I am known for being impartial and listening (she has strong minded friends who she may not turn to).

I think I'm going to text her and see if she fancies a drink tomorrow/Monday night. She's a tough cookie but I think this has knocked her sideways, it's a shock and she won't let her guard down for many people.

I like the slagging off the OW instead of her H - that's a better tactic to stay impartial. And I also like the advice to remind her what she is capable of, she's independent and doesn't need him, but her heart is taking over her head and she thinks she needs him.