sil trouble

[lifeinabubble]

I have just sent en email to sil 2, explaining why I can't come to her daughters wedding.

all down to sil 1, and her rantings and abusive attitude to me.

it seems that sil 1 only has/wants relationships with blood related people, which leaves me out straight away.
her head is so far up her backside she cannot see where she is going,

I have been married to dh for decades, yet sil1 never respects me as family.
only hers are family.

she has never sent dh's -adopted children and gc - a birthday/xmas card, they are adults now, yet expects hers to be recognised.
doesn't even know their names . let alone my dc and gc.

I feel a bit dirty and pathetic, but sil 1 is a total bitch with no sense of humanity or care to anyone else.
as long as she gets what she wants,
that's it

It's unfortunate that you had to drag SIL2 into this, without sorting it out directly with SIL1. She certainly sounds like an absolute bitch, but there's no way I'd be recognising her family's celebrations if she doesn't recognise mine.

well, sil2 has asked why we, dh and myself will be absent from her dd's wedding.
sil2 has had crap over the years from sil1, and I didn't want it to sound like I am the bitch, while sil1 smells of roses.
I thought about it for a while, and decided to tell sil2 the truth about why I won't go.
the last time there was a family event a few months ago, sil1 behaved like a maniac, she has terrible tantrums, she is 61 ffs.

I'm sorry OP but if SIL 2 is fine with you, why would you take it out and risk offending her if its SIL1 you have a problem with? She can't be held responsible for the attitude and reaction of SIL1

But if the family is condoning the behaviour then OP can't do anything but leave it with the family to sort, or not, as the case may be.

At 61 she isn't going to change. But OP doesn't have to put up with it! The family can make of that what it will!

Perhaps the family are ignoring the behaviour rather than condoning it. sometimes we have to put up with dickheads in life just for the feelings of others. For some people a close family wedding would be enough to suck it up for a day, but if not so close then I agree its not worth it, but there is some reason why OP is posting here.

That is condoning it, ignoring it rather than taking action to stop it. Letting her continue to make someone elses life miserable is allowing her to bully.... if it happened in a playground you wouldn't say put up with it!

There should be no need to 'suck it up' for a day or any length of time. You are effectively saying that the OPs feelings are not as important as someone elses. The family has made its decision, OP and her family's non appearance at a wedding is a consequence of that!

I've put up with dickheads in my life as long as they have put up with me and everyone else around me. As soon as they start acting up, I stop putting up with them. That took me a long time to learn... and it is a lesson I would encourage anyone else with a poisonous rellie to learn. You really don't have to put up with it and you don't have to be rude to deal with it. You just have to stop being quiet about it, being too scared/polite to speak up.

I think you are doing the right thing OP. I despise my SIL and they way that PIL think she can do no wrong whilst turning a blind eye to her vindictive ways. DP and I are nc with her but for me that means avoiding any family event where she is at. It is for her safety aswell as if she was to say anything to me I will honestly throttle the bitch.

Staying away is sometimes the easiest path and good for your sanity.

thank you for your replies.

sil2 and I discussed this yesterday at length.
she understands perfectly, having also been on the receiving end of sil1's tantrums for years.

it appears that since sil1's husband had become quite wealthy, sil1 behaves basically as the rest of the world are beneath her.

"she sold her soul for money" apparently, ...that's sil1...living with a bullying/unfaithful and controlling husband.
she wouldn't leave the marriage, money,money,money.

(not being horrid, but she is a bit ugly too, not her fault I know, can't help how or what you are born like)

also she has full blown ocd, maybe that's why we were never invited to her home in decades?
both of her 2 sons are depressives, maybe by lashing out at me, is her way to deal with the issues in her life?

in fact, after my lengthy conversation with sil2, I actually feel great sympathy for sil1.

I'm glad you're not my SIL - criticising someone's appearance in this way is pretty unpleasant frankly.

is that all you have to say angstridden.

I don't think lifeinabubble was actually criticising someone's appearance, just trying to show an overall picture of the issues she has had to deal with.
also, if you read the last message from lifeinabubble, you will see that she has compassion and sympathy for sil1, after speaking to sil2, which in my book is really rather kind.
so there!

Sorry, can't see how saying 'not being horrid, she is a bit ugly too..' can in any way be less than unpleasant and to me undermines her whole issues with her SIL. Sorry, have to disagree with you (maybe if you are l5 saying someone is a bit ugly is okay, after that best not..) Good that she is showing some sympathy re ocd and child mh issues, maybe she was unaware of these before.

Just makes her human and frustrated, as far as I am concerned. Not everyone manages to uphold saintliness on a daily basis. Sometimes, as humans and mere mortals, we have unpleasant thoughts and focus on anything that gets the ire out.

My poisonous SIL is The Poison Dwarf... at 5ft nothing it is an easy target and, when I have been on the receiving end of her most deliberate and vicious machinations, calling attention to her lack of height is about as polite as I can bring myself to be!

And I am waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay over 15 years of age!