H won't accept that I don't love him and want marriage to end

[bandbsmum]

I've been unhappy in my marriage for a very long time now.H and I have no common interests and he gave me very little help with the dc's. It's got to the stage where I don't fancy him or love him any more. Told him all this 2 weeks ago, and he's been begging me to give things another try, and he'll change. Admittedly, he has been more helpful with the children, and has tried to be a bit more active, and less of a couch potato. But he hardly lets me out of his sight, and follows me around like a lost puppy. Which makes me want him even less. For a long time now, I physically tensed up every time he's touched me. I thought it was me becoming frigid, until recently, when my ex moved in along the road. We've talked and there are still very strong feelings there on both sides. We've not been having an affair, but have kissed, which made me realise, I'm definitely not frigid!. H, my parents and his parents can't understand why I still want the marriage to end when he's making such an effort, so wondering whether to mention ex to them.(up until now, have denied there being anyone else). Know my parents will definitely disapprove, but don't know what else to do.

i think your ex doesn't really have anything to do with this. he's come along at a time when there were already problems and he's giving you attention. why is he an ex in the first place? there must have been problems before.

so i think you should ignore the whole ex issue and focus on your marriage and try to think about whether it really is unsalvagable.

I agree, your ex shouldn't be entering into the equation. In fact you should really distance yourself from him so you can focus on your marriage. Also his (and your) parents have nothing to do with the situation either,it is between you and your H.

ex and I have talked about why we split up. And realised a lot of it was a communication problem back then. Neither of us talked to the other about what we really wanted. But if I really don't fancy h anymore, I can't see that ever going to change?

Warty makes some good points. Would your husband agree to go to Relate? If so, maybe you should give it a go, poss. coupled with a separation for a couple of months (him moving out, not you). If, at the end of all that you feel happier without dh, you'll know what to do.Good luck.

I have suggested a trial separation. But he says how is that going to solve anything? He's not willing to "walk away" from the "family home". Also his parents have said he can't move back there!

Relate is a good idea. It'll help you both understand what you do still feel for each other.

If you really feel nothing for him any more, it may also help him come to terms with that.

I felt as you do for many years but saw no way out at all. then last year i had an affair which i thought would just give me a secret happiness so i could cope with my lonely marriage. didn't think of consequences. h still wanted me when he found out and became obsessed, mentally ill and suicidal! I and dc's were emotionally abused all yr but had to stay cos of suicide threat. left last jan at end of tether. don't go there! am now on housing benefit, income support with my 4 kids, no toys etc cos i left and can't go back to get them. h has 2 youngest a lot tho and is getting better and back at work after a yr off. I am still the evil bitch. am very much with my 'lover' tho and generally happier. but would not recommend at all if there are other ways to do it. DO NOT HAVE AFFAIR b4 leaving. consider heartache on kids. consider financial implication. It aint easy. good luck.

Lovelife - hope all works out for you. I have no intention of having an affair with ex before splitting from h. He has said he doesn't want to be the cause of my marriage breaking up, which he isn't, just seeing him again and realising how much I still love him has exaggerated my unhappiness with h. H was saying last night he wants us to go to our GP together to talk about things, and if she can't help maybe she'll be able to refer us to a counsellor. Trouble is GP has known me since I was a baby, would feel more comfortable going straight to Relate. Suggested this to h, but he was quite insistent that we try GP first! Trouble is, the harder he's trying, the less I'm wanting him because it all seems so forced.

we went to GP and she was brilliant to be honest - its not a bad idea. she won't judge you or tell anybody. H needed to keep seeing her and i only went along for his sake at the beginning. she may help him see you are serious not deranged! Good luck, its a hard step to take though and very lonely, guilt ridden, full of doubt etc. keep posting pls. X

Thanks lovelife. I will keep updating. Everyone thinks I should be making an effort for the children's sake. I know they will be devasted if we split, but I'm sure they'll get over it. DS is 6, dd is 22 mths. Surely better that, than having to live with an unhappy mummy in the long term?

Hi lovelife. I'm ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!! touting for business, but I am a specialist family lawyer (20 yrs experience - shows how old I am!!!) & if there are any legal/financial things you're particularly worrying about, I'd be glad to post some info. for you. I was previously posting as Legalmum (only joined a couple of days ago), but was jealous of other peoples nicknames.

I don't mean lovelife! I mean Bandbsmum! sorry.

mumblechum, would you be able to answer some questions for me ,about my rights and my ex's rights we have been split for a year and things have just turned nasty - from him i would be greatful for some advice, if this is possible plese email me on [email protected]

thanks

sorry for the hijack, i cnat really offer any advice as i was the one that was left, but i would say you have to want things to work out if the have any chance at getting better, best of luck what ever you decide

Hi Sanchpanch, I've sent you an email.

thanks mumblechum, i havent got it yet but hopefully it will come through it might take me a few days to reply while i try and piece together what is happening and what is the most important bits to ask you about, thanks, still hasnt come through?

Thanks mumblechum. Afraid I can't get you to email me as we have a joint email address! But would be good to know where I stand legally/financially. Ideally I'd like to stay in the house with the kids (would rather not uproot them unneccessarily), but to do that would I have to buy h out? We don't have a mortgage. Would everything have to be split 50/50? If that was the case, then we'd probably have to sell up and get something smaller. He's trying so hard, but somehow it's making me want him less, and I feel so cruel. Last night he was talking about finding out if he can get booked onto the skiing holiday that I've already booked for me and kids to go on next year (not just us, there's a big group of us), but when it came to booking it, he refused to come. Now to try to make amends he wants to try to come along, but I don't want him to!

Hi Sanchpanch. My email is [email protected]. If you tell me the length of the marriage,ages of children, value of assets, debts (joint and separate names), current earnings and any other relevant info I'll be happy to advise.

Hi Bandbsmum. Assuming that you're earning significantly less than husb, and have the kids living with you, then if the house were sold you'd get the vast majority of the proceeds of sale, as of course you'd need a bigger house than husb, with a much lower mortgage owing to lower earnings. It may be better for you to stay in the house, with it being transferred over to you, but eventually, when the kids are grown up, for it to be sold and your husb to get a bit of the equity then. To find a local specialist family lawyer, try www.resolution.org. All Resolution lawyers are experts in family law and our ethos is to sort out divorces and financial deals with the mimimum animosity and without running ridiculous costs up. On the divorce side, the procedure is very straight forward. If you're not entitled to Public Funding (fmly legal aid), expect to pay £500 plus vat & court fees, then extra to sort out finances. Good luck

It seems that you are having the same problems with H as you did with your ex. Communication.

Clearly H wasnt aware how bad you were feeling. I cant believe that is totally his fault. Forget about ex for now. Grass always seems greener anyway, doesnt it?

I think you owe it to yourself to try again, and start looking at the things that got you with H in the first place and take it from there.

Sometimes it's too late. When my exhusband realised I was serious about considering separation or divorce he suddenly tried to change and I'm afraid it just looked pathetic. Hard to explain. As if it was too little too late. As if it were fake. He'd be very very cross about something (he was always angry a lot of the time) but he'd hide it and try to be nice but you could see the rage was still there below the surface. Then like yours he suddenly wanted to do things he'd never done before with me but I didn't want it then - too late. Suddenly when away with work would actually telephone - something virtually every other husband automatically does but he'd only do when he thought he might lose me. It all smacked too much like self interest and still not consideration or concern for me.

Xenia. You've hit the nail right on the head. I feel everything h is doing at the moment is false. Especially now saying he wants to come skiing with us next year. He was so adament (sp?) he didn't want to come when my cousin suggested it. I even overheard him telling his dad that if he came, he'd be "dumped" with the children. How can you be dumped with your own children? He kept saying last night, that he can't see how if he left it would solve all my problems, and he doesn't know what I want in a man. How did you finally convince your ex h that you were serious Xenia?

H has managed to get booked on the skiing holiday for next feb. DS is so excited that his daddy is coming. Looks like I've got to make an effort to try and make things work. Even though I really don't want to. H has made an appt. for us to see GP next week. Trouble is she's known me since I was a baby. Think I'd rather just go to relate and talk to someone who doesn't know either of us.
Had my mum saying last night that she hopes I'm making an effort for the children's sake, and that my sister had said to her that 95% of children from broken marriages have problems! Nice to know my family support me!

You've got to follow your heart, and not be pressured into staying if it's making you that unhappy. Surely the children are going to be miserable if they pick up on your & dh's unhappiness. Do what's best for you and your children. Good luck with the GP, I know you're reluctant to go to counselling via the GP, and I don't see the point myself of not going straight to Relate, but it prob. won't delay things significantly.

Thanks Mumblechum. And thanks for the legal advice earlier. I'm a SAHM, so yes definitely the lower earner!

Xenia - understand exactly what you said! too little too late, false, selfish etc exactly that. not from the heart but out of panic. good luck to you all. X