I just need to talk

[mimilenny4]

Hi! I'm completely new to mumsnet and although I have members of family who have young children they don't seem to understand how I'm feeling. I'm not really sure where to start or whether this is even this right place to do this & I'm sorry if this turns into a rant. I have a 14 month old who is my whole world. But ever since she was born I feel like I'm crumbling. My relationship with my husband, her dad, is failing. My relationship with his family is failing. I feel ugly and fat and have no energy. Before our baby we were so so in love. I still love him but I don't look at him like, 'I am so in love with this person' anymore. I find him irritating even when he is being so nice and just trying to make me happy. I hate that I get so mad and annoyed at him for not really any reason at all. I just want to feel happy again. His family have always been difficult. They don't really make me feel like family and since her birth have drummed into me how much she looks like her daddy, loves her daddy, is a daddy's girl etc. they take pictures of him and her together but never of me. They get funny with me if we don't see them one weekend even if it's my partners decision. They constantly take my baby off me and don't give her to me when she wants me. There are many other reasons why I don't get on with them but I don't want to bore you too much. A lot of mine and my husbands arguments are about them. Recently we heard that my in laws had been calling me cold and saying I 'hog' my baby behind my back. I wanted my partner to talk to them but he refused. He says I'm too sensitive and he quite often sides with them over me. I admit, especially when my baby was younger, I wasn't the type of mum to pass my baby around. I wanted to hold my baby. I was made to feel bad about that when at his parents. Whereas my family let me hold my baby as much as I wanted and never made me feel bad about it! All the little things that they have done have built up and I feel like I'm at bursting point. I feel like I've constantly got the weight of the world on my shoulders and my relationship is failing because of the unhappiness I feel. Please is there anybody with any advice for me. I've considered counselling but I cannot afford it.

Bad relationships with in-laws - especially when you feel unsupported by your partner - are pretty stressful. I think you're going to have to be much more assertive & stand up for yourself because it's clear he's not going to do that on your behalf. If they keep going on about daddy this and daddy that, then say something. If they are critical of you in any way, challenge them. If you don't want to go to see them, don't go. It's your life, your baby, you're in charge.

It's not your husband's place to tell you that you are 'over-sensitive' - that's just dismissing your feelings and it's insulting and uncaring. No wonder you don't like him much. Does he realise that his attitude is making you call into question the whole relationship? If not, that's something else you need to be assertive about.... tell him that he stands to lose his family if he carries on the same way.

Aside from the in-laws and your unsupportive husband, are you enjoying motherhood generally? How is the rest of your life? Do you work, have friends, a social life, interests/hobbies beyond the family? What I'm getting at is that becoming a mother is a big change in life that some find it difficult to adjust to. Post Natal Depression is quite common and can make everything feel like much more of a chore than it needs to be. If you think it's a possibility then do see your GP. If you think the problem is simply isolated to a bullying family then tackle it head on. Be unpopular if you have to...

Good luck

Thank you for your reply. I am absolutely loving motherhood. My daughter is my everything and it's funny that his parents say how much of a daddy's girl she is when she really is a mummas girl. Of course she loves her daddy but my daughter and I are the very best of friends and are so in love. I work part time yes, and have an amazing group of friends, two of which are my daughters godmothers. But I am the only one out of my friends with a child and the only one dealing with overbearing in laws so as much as they try to understand, it is difficult for them.

I am happy with all other aspects of my life, it is just this getting me down. I have told him many of times how much it upsets me and when he properly listens he gets upset himself knowing how much it bothers me and he says the thought of not being together hurts him so much. He is an amazing husband and daddy. Is so hands on and does lots to try and make me happy like I said in the post before, but even when he's trying to cuddle me or do a nice gesture he irritates me and then I feel down that I can't accept his love anymore.

We only really argue about my in laws and that's when he can become quite mean. He says he understands though and then they'll do something else & I'll mention it and he'll get mad at me saying I'm not trying hard enough to accept them for the way they are.

I think you are right. I think I need to address them rather than keep moaning at my husband. And I do believe I might have depression or anxiety which is why I am pushing him away. I don't believe it is post natal however but thank you for your concern.