Issues with my difficult mother

[Mrsgrumble]

Not new, name changed as I have been offloading a bit lately

My mother is angry, critical, fakes sickness when she needs attention. We all have to tiptoe around her. No contact is isn't an option but its getting so hurtful. I do some voluntary work with people with learning difficulties and she will say that I'm not talking to my baby normally but the same as them.

I have had difficulties with long term friend and she will stir all the time say it that I am difficult and digs for trouble. Like financial stuff I am sorting out with dh. I try to keep as much private as I can. She doesn't have my home phone as I pretend I just use the line for Internet. I don't call her everyday anymore.

I went home to visit yesterday and rang her as I was waiting for nearly an hour with baby. Because I hadn't been up first thing in the morning, she went out and I asked her what time was she going to be back she roared shouting for me to go off with myself. I was so upset but hid it.

I hate this situation.

Doesn't need to be no contact, but drastically reduced contact. You need boundaries. You speak once a week on the phone. You visit once a month (and you schedule it). If she doesn't like it, she can lump it and go NC on you! Then it's not your fault.

I have reduced visits down to twice a week and that was hard work.

But I have set up boundaries, she doesn't have a key to this house or the number. She really twisted things after my wedding and dh said to her that she is hard on me (he wasnt even that direct).

Sorry i didn't mean to cut off there. She will tell anyone who will listen that I've become so selfish since marrying dh.

The friend that I am now distant from and my mother were in contact on the phone discussing how much I had changed. I really haven't, except I am less tolerant to people like them since having a baby.

Well, I think you need to make the boundaries a little closer then. Tell her that you did not like the way she spoke to you today and you will not be visiting this week as a result. She needs to learn some self control. You need to treat her like a child and give her consequences if she acts like one.

It sounds like your dh and your baby have helped your self esteem and you are now no longer a walkover. It's horrible they are talking about you behind your back. Unacceptable.

Said friend has similar traits to my mother. She knows me a long time and she has stuck her nose in too many times but ringing my mother to discuss the fact that I had pnd (thank god I didn't actually - just recognised I needed to be in my own) and have my mother more ammunition tht I'm selfish. Anyway, I have contact with the friend.

It's my mother I can't deal with. I think it must be that I have higher self esteem. Is taking a battering over the years. My mil has shown me wht a true mother should be like

Thanks for listening merry

Now you are down to twice a week, time to move it to once a week.

I think you need to gradually cut down contact until it's once a week, then once a fortnight then once a month.

Time to get a hobby, (doesn't have to be a real hobby) and be unavailable more.

Slowly but surely reduce your contact. And who cares what she or your friend thinks. Hard concept but you will get there.

She went out when she was expecting you to call round? Did she phone your mobile to ask when you were likely to arrive before going out? If she didn't contact you then that shows a lack of respect and rudeness.

She discussed you behind your back? Insults you?

Step right back from your DM and don't give her so much headspace. As others say you need to put more boundaries in place and give her scheduled times when you will visit/call. She can take it or leave it. When she has learned how to behave in a proper adult relationship then you can ease up if you want to.

Meeting DH and his family has made you realise how badly your DM is behaving. Luckily you have your own family and DH's family now so DM is going to have to change her ways if she expects to keep her relationship with you going.

thank you.

Mil is so different. Compliments all the time. Doesn't keep me on the phone because she knows I am busy. When I visit tells me to put my feet up. She really is a lovely lady.

Mine makes snide comments that no one helps her (we do far too much) asks me to hoover when heavily pregnant. To go around buying the special offers for her. I actually don't mind but I begrudge it when she is in a bad humour all the time. Then ten minutes later she says she would give me her kidney or other such nonsense. I don't want her kidney, I just want her to show a bit of love sometimes. Or even recognise I'm a grown woman.

She's not going to do any of those things. Like, never. She'll have you hopping about for ever, she won't change, this is who she is (she's advertised it enough).

Give her a wide berth. Your 'friend', too. Be 'busy' all the time, you don't have to explain protecting yourself (in fact it would fall on deaf ears because she has no intention of seeing things from your pov). Leave the poisonous pair to each other.

It's sad when you realise you're never going to get the mother you deserve but at least you have a decent 'mother' in your life now (MIL) xx

She's not going to do any of those things. Like, never. She'll have you hopping about for ever, she won't change, this is who she is (she's advertised it enough). Thanks, I think I needed to hear this

One of my mantras has always been..you cant really change what others, think say or do...but you can alter how you react to them. I should listen to it myself.

OP my mother sounds just like yours..I've had words this morining that revolved around her being very over dramatic and attention seeking regarding medical stuff and I have sat here feeling a bit sad that I will never have the relationship that others have with their Mother.

I can only advise distancing yourself even further so that the contact is minimal. I have recently started calling her on her behaviour so when she made a bitchy comment I did say "that was bitchy, why did you say that"... she did get flustered and couldn't answer. In the past she would of been even more nasty, so not sure if she is calming down

I think it's a myth that 'others' have a good relationship with their mums. I'm sure there are a lot who do - but there are a lot who don't, too.

Oh she just sounds a pain in the arse. Spend less time with her and don't fret about it.

Why is NC not an option?

I would never tell anyone what to do, but I will be quite honest about the fact that it was the best thing I've ever done.

Thanks again

NC isn't an option. Believe me, I tried. Also have a very good relationship with siblings and father. They know how she treats me and tell me to let it go over my head.

My dad didn't realise some of the things she was doing and saying so I pulled him aside on my own and he is aware now. My poor dh got sucked into it too when we first married. He said to her something like she was hard on me or something like that and she went mad, twisting what he said to much worse and dad went mad too. I was a mess for the first year of marriage, dh hates them. He does play happy families too though but won't go to them for Christmas dinner etc.

I went home Yesterdsy and I didn't put the lid properly on the tea bag jar (I was making her tea) and she shouted again that in my home I keep everything perfect. It's annoying her I don't clean the house for her anymore as she used to leave out the hoover, leave shopping in the car and go off to bed and I used to do it. I don't hoover for her anymore. I don't do anything. Now, I am far from lazy and would do it but when I am going to get shit regardless, I don't bother.

You're so right Lego. Is good to talk about about it. It's hard to talk about in real life as I told one friend and she said 'huh, she's your mother' so I felt even more guilty.

What's worth is everyone thinks my mother is so kind and the life and soul of things. She puts on a great show for people. My aunt in my dads side has recognised the way she is though so we talk.