He is gone (again) but is it my fault?

[Heartsandspades]

Sorry for this long post.
I have been with my DP for 5 years, we have a 2 year old DS.
This have been rough for us since he lost his job shortly after DS was born. Obviously we were struggling financially at the time which added adds pressure to any relationship, since then he has found a new job but the issues have not improved.

Whilst he was out of work I was responsible for all the mortgage and bills, this has not changed. He gives me an allowance every month and I have to use that to help me pay all the bills, it's 'none of my business' what he does with the rest. When I ask him why he can't help me more with money or questions like that he just gets mad at me and tells me he is sick of me going on and that I'm lucky he puts up with this because no one else would.

We stopped being intimate about 6 months ago now, again this is my fault, because I don't love him enough, because I'm selfish.
When we argue he treats me like a child. He will take things away from me like my car keys or he will refuse to stay in on nights I have planned to go out.

I am reluctant to say I am in an abusive relationship but I feel it is on the verge of being one. He isn't necessarily controlling but I think because he doesn't need to be. I rarely go out with friends, I go to bingo with my mum once a week and I go walking with her another evening a week but that's it.
I have a condition that means I loose weight rapidly when I'm ill. He gets very annoyed at this and as a result I find myself forcing myself to eat and suffering for it.

Even after all this I am worried to be alone. I am worried about my DS missing him and I am even worried about how I will get used to sleeping on my own in the house (how pathetic).
Please someone just tell me I'm not a useless person or just hold my hand

Probably makes no sense I am just rambling

You're not useless. He's a cunt. Very shortly there will be many wise voices to help you through this but hand holding until they come along

I don't know you from Adam and wouldn't dream if doing any of those things to you and this guy is supposed to love you!

What does that say to you?

Do you want your DS to treat women like this as he grows up?

You are worth more than this, so much more.

this: He gives me an allowance every month and I have to use that to help me pay all the bills, it's 'none of my business' what he does with the rest. When I ask him why he can't help me more with money or questions like that he just gets mad at me and tells me he is sick of me going on and that I'm lucky he puts up with this because no one else would.

and this: He will take things away from me like my car keys or he will refuse to stay in on nights I have planned to go out.

and this: He gets very annoyed at this and as a result I find myself forcing myself to eat and suffering for it.

lead me to this:

you may be loathe to label this as an abusive relationship, but there is something called financial abuse - Women's Aid recognise it under the domestic abuse umbrella.

and how does he "not" control you when, as you say, he goes out, meaning you HAVE to change your PLANNED nights out (rare, but still planned) - that's controlling, isn't it?

he gets annoyed at an ILLNESS? .... put your logical hat on for a moment - do you honestly think that's right? or normal?

I don't think this is on the "verge" of being abusive - I think this is very subtle but it is abuse...

what do you want to happen now? don't let fear dictate your mind right now - try to detach... what would you say to a friend who'd just confided all that in you?

I want to be a strong, happy person who is confident raising my DS and living on our own.
But laying here wide awake (with the bathroom light left on) I am a million miles away from being that person.
I always give in to him after a couple of days/weeks he tells me he has nowhere to go and has been sleeping in the car etc. and then I welcome him back because I just can't cope with living alone.

I would be very disappointed if my DS turned out like his father! Which is my main reason for wanting to stay strong this time. I just wish I had some friends sometimes. When someone is all you have it is so scary to let them go.

Firstly you are NOT useless and it is NOT your fault he has gone. He is treating you like shit and he sounds like a complete prick.

Reading your post has had quite an impact on me, as I made the decision to leave my partner of 7 years earlier this week (thread about what lead up to that on here) and apart from me not having children, it sounds like our relationships were very similar.

I would never have thought of my relationship to be an abusive one, but over the past few days I have realised that it was, and I was just in denial about it.

Despite only having got out of the relationship very recently and I am still hurting and feeling a bit lost, I already know that I am better away from him as he had destroyed the person I was, and I had lost the person I wanted to be.

Try and stay strong, and try and get to thinking what you want for the future of you and your DS. Your happiness is what is important, you can't rely on anyone giving that to you if you are unable to find it for yourself.

Do you have anyone in RL that you can talk and offload to? I found that really helped me to work through my feelings.

Sorry X-Post. If you dont have anyone in RL to talk to I found the support and advice I received on here invaluable.

You mentioned spending time with your mum, is she aware of what your relationship is like?

the get some scaffolding to hold you up for a while, until your "building" is fixed (your self esteem)

Ring your local children's centre, health visitor or doctor - they'll know where the nearest Women's Aid Freedom course is - I strongly suggest you look into it; it will help you "stay strong" and see him for what he is.

If you don't have RL friends you can easily turn to then this is a good place to come. I think you know in your heart that this is an abusive relationship and that he is treating you badly. He is most definitely controlling - to stop you going out by taking your car keys, well, that could hardly be anything else. I know you say 'he doesn't need to be; but it is also a signal of a controlling relationship that you are changing your behaviour and not doing things to avoid him becoming angry.

Please ring Women's Aid and talk it through with them. If you are able to get out of this relationship soon, you will make such a difference to yourself and your son. It won't be easy straight away but in a few months you will see it and in a year you will be amazed at how much better life is for you and your DS. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don't let him define it like this.

Feeling sorry for my ex H after we had fallen out, and I had punished him, would get me to take him back. And my fear of being on my own. All I can say is, that when the time was right for me, I left, and it ended at the right time for me. Its taken years for me to get to know myself again.

She is to an extent. She knows about the money side of things as I am have had to ask her to help me when I have been really struggling.
I haven't told her about anything else though. My mum is lovely and like my best friend but I would feel to ashamed to admit to her how I have been living.

DP disrespects you and the older your DS gets the more he will pick up on how jumpy Mummy gets when Daddy kicks off. I can't see what this man brings to your day to day existence except pressure and more laundry.

Have you tried leaving a radio on quietly just for a human voice at night? Maybe consider a lodger to help pay bills?

there is no shame in getting trapped in domestic abuse. Abusers don't walk up to you on the first date to say "oh hi, we're going to get in a relationship but you should know that when you're really comfortable on me, I'm going to start undermining you, taking your confidence and making you completely reliant on me for your very existence...."

It doesn't come with a blindingly obvious warning (well, from the inside, anyway) - it doesn't come with a loud wailing alarm.... it creeps, it relies on silence and secrecy.

Break the silence and break the secret - abuse loses power when it's in the open.

BUT stay safe - please take advice from WA before letting on anything in your mind has changed; it is really important

and come here - we're a lovely bunch of mates really :) (in fact, all my mates are on here or FB from here.... I don't have any IRL!)

"really comfortable WITH me" rather!

It will take a lot of strength and courage to speak up and tell your mum how things are, but it sounds like you have a great relationship with her, and I think it would be the first step in getting YOUR life back. It won't be a quick fix, but realising and acknowledging the problem is the first step towards fixing it. Like I said I am a million miles from being 'ok', I am scared, I am unsure of what I am now doing with my life, I am lonely and feel extremely empty and lost BUT I know that realising I needed to get out of the relationship I was in and doing it was the first step towards me finding happiness again.

Being in an abusive relationship is about the toughest it gets.

Leaving one seems impossible (but it's not, it just seems that way)

'letting him leave/go' is physically excruciating. I know. I did this.

My whole body hurt, my throat closed with the pain of a million uncried tears. It hurt really physically hurt.

Yes I felt abjectly stupid, the biggest idiot on earth.

But I was wrong, it's not me that should be ashamed, it's him.

Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft, it will completely free you. Do it as soon as you ca, please.

You aren't depressed, or an anxiety sufferer, or whatever other condition he's bullied you into. Give yourself a few days, and you'll start to see how relaxed you feel, then you won't feel so anxious. All of these symptoms are what the abuse have caused.

When he goes, pretty much so will they.

Ok not as simple as that all the time, but as long as this man and his poison pollute your life, the longer it'll take to get well again.

Keep posting, mumsnet really helped me through what you're feeling, and i'm unrecognisable from the tiny frightened person I was 3 years ago.

Thank you everyone for you supporting I really need it.
He came back! I woke up this morning and he was asleep on the sofa. It seems he feels he doesn't even need to ask if I want him back anymore.

I feel so down trodden and I just don't know which way to turn. I know my life is not going to improve while he is in it.
I read the information on financial abuse and I was upset at how much I could relate to it. Although he is giving me my own money he is controlling what it is spent on and free to do what he wants with his.

I am an idiot because I have let myself get into this situation! A few months ago he asked me to take a £2000 loan out for him and if it wasn't for the fact I couldn't get accepted for one (due to the fact he put the car insurance in my name and didn't pay it) I was so stupid that I would have done it. It's like I just carry on with life his way because our home can't be happy unless he is.

I need to break free, I just need to work out how.

Oh OP. You really do sound down trodden

You are NOT stupid. But you ARE in an abusive relationship

Talk to your mum. She will not judge you - though she may be very angry with this arsehole os a man

AS for breaking free, make a plan. Break it down into steps and try and achieve these steps, one at a time.

My lovely OP.You are not an idiot! you are a lovely person who sees when a person has no where to stay you put yourself at the bottom of the pile and let them stay.

You are down trodden and you can change your life. It won't be all plain sailing but will be an improvement on how you live now. Pluck up all your courage and do what you you dream of doing

Your mum may well have an idea of what has been going on anyway and may be waiting for you to realise it for yourself and be ready for her to help.

You have no reason to be ashamed. You haven't been stupid or an idiot. You've been trying to make a very unbalanced relationship right. You've just realised that you don't have the power to do that.

You may carry on with life his way to keep the peace but you know deep down that it doesn't make your home happy because you aren't happy.

Do you need to leave home with your DS? Can you move in with your mum for a while? You could move a few more precious possessions there first before he is aware of your plans. Also try to make sure that he can't access your bank account so your money is safe. Could you change your address with the bank to your mum's now so you don't have important post going to him? Also give her your spare car keys so he can't stop you using it by taking a set off you again.

This situation is a reflection on him and his behaviour, not you and yours. You are not responsible for it.

Great advice ^^.

I am a mum to a DD OP if she ever got to be in your situation, I assure you I'd want her to know she could open up to me and stuff embarrassment or 'shame' as you put it.

You know the old saying " How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time". This looks overwhelming because you're looking at the whole issue.

Put mum in the picture and take it step by step.

.