What would you do if your mother obviously preferred one of your children and didn't hide it from them either

[Wills]

First thing my mother is nuts. I've been on here enough times that a lot of people know this already. We've cut down seeing her loads and come Xmas I'm psyching myself up to insisting that the same amount of money is spent on all three children. But....

She came to visit Monday. dd1 (6) was on an inset day so was off. (dd1 is her favourite). Dd2 was at nursery and ds1 is only 3 months old. She'd bought the girls presents (of course because she tries to buy their love). She spent the morning playing with dd1 (didn't cuddle her grandson at all). Then I persuaded her to come with me to pick up dd2 from nursery as I knew dd2 would be bursting with pride at showing Nana her big girl school etc etc. She came but wasn't exactly bubbling over. When we got home she gave dd2 her presents but then when dd2 want to play with her and them said no - dd1 needed her first. She barely played with dd2 despite dd2 being desperate for her to do so. Dd1 meanwhile behaved like a spoilt brat! Grandson was cuddle for about 10 minutes just before she left.

I've later heard from my mother that she really doesn't approve of the way dd2 is permanently demanding Her (my mother)'s attention and she wishes we would teach her more manners.

It brakes my heart to see dd2 desperately trying to get love from someone who doesn't want to give it. Likewise I'm upset that she shows no interest in her grandson. Also I can't stand seeing dd1 behave like that.

Talking to my mother is a waste of time energy and air. So. Do I talk to my children, especially to dd1 who normally has an enormous sense of right and wrong. I suspect she's already seeing that things are not fair but can't bear to admit to it.

Alternatively should I only allow my mother to see dd1?

my MIL does this and it drives me mad.
She obviously favours DS1 - always asks after him first and thinks he's amazing even though I always tell her news of both DSs and try to "big up" what DS2 has been doing.
Final straw came last week at DS2's birthday.
When DS1 had his birthday in January he got a huge card and they came up to visit for day to bring him present and take him (and admittedly DS2 and me) out for day.
She didn't have time to get DS2 a present so gave us the money for it and sent him a card which I know came from the corner shop.
Shouldn't get stressed about it as normally I don't about things like that but I just think it's unfair and that's what makes me cross!

So, Wils, not much advice except that I don't think you should only let your Mum see DD1 - she needs to know that she has to treat her grandchildren equally - but lodas of empathy and sympathy!

When I was pregnant my mum told me she would never love another grandchild the way she loved ds (from previous relationship - 9 yr gap between kids)
Dp and I decided that if she held true to her word we'd not let the children be around her
thankfully she fell in love with dd.
I would vote for not letting ehr see any of the kids tbh
Easy for em to say though... I know

Hi ya Batters, yes thought some people might think blooming wills's mother again . Am getting closer and closer to cutting out.

Tommy - my mother is truly nuts though so feel that she will never learn to treat them equally. have just been through a massive fight over dd2's birthday because she didn't buy her much. But it felt like I was demanding that she spend more money. etc etc. Grrrrrrr. but I know exactly what you mean about bigging up the unfavoured ones.

We have a similar problem with my mother, (sometimes I can not believe she really is my mother!)
All our children are regularly passed over for some of their cousins. Really gets me down, how can someone who I thought I knew be so cruel?

Stop seeing your mother Wills. Honestly, she is vile and damaging to your children. Tell them she's not normal and tell her she either treats them ALL the same or DOESN'T see them. Sorry, I really think she needs telling. Can dh tell her?

My mother does similar. I avoid her where possible. My DD is perfect intelligent etc My son on the hand is a boy and thats his main fault. Drives me crazy

Wills

Your mother is a toxic parent and she is showing damaging behaviours towards your eldest daughter (whom at her tender age thinks this woman can do no wrong). She is trying to get your daughter on her side.

Overt favouritism like this is damaging not just for the family but for the person being favoured in such a manner. Certainly do not let your Mother see DD1 solely at the expense of the other children; that will cause much resentment amongst siblings later on.

You do not mention your Dad (am unaware of history so please pardon my ignorance if you have written of him before), was wondering what his view is of his wife's behaviour?.

What does your DH make of all this?

My father is not on the scene (too long a story etc) but her husband supports her throughout. I think he's too frightened to do anything else. He spent years quietly plotting our downfall (mine, my brother's and his son's) so we would be in disfavour with my mother so he could have her all to himself and now that he's got her I don't think he can handle it! - sorry don't like the man - bit like the skiny wimpy sidekick to a bully - very two faced and snidey.

You're right she's a toxic parent. have just got my book about toxic parents. Should try to settle down and read it!

I think the big problem here is me. I simply can't believe she's like this and keep hoping again and again that she'll prove me wrong.

God what a cow. My mum prefers my eldest child (I can see it quite clearly) but she has the decency not to show it and is very fair generally to them all.

Can you make it clear that you don't approve of her favouritism and if it doesn't stop she won't see her grandchildren?

I would do one/some of the following:

• Stop seeing her- not a bad option becasue she is clearly a drama queen pain in the butt and saps your confidence to boot. Not good.

If you don't want to cut her out though:

• Gently take the piss out of her if you notice blatent favouritism e.g. 'OMG dd1!- Did you see that? Nana just ignored dd2. How rude! Do you think it's because she doesn't know how to play with little kids? You do, don't you? Why don't you show her how to play with ds and dd2?" etc etc

• Encourage her to take one child at a time out for a little treat on a strict rota basis. This would ensure that all the kids get time with her and that you don't have to watch her with them. She sounds like she invariably irritates you at a profound level, utterly understandably, and if you are not going to kick her to the kerb, maybe you need to take a step back and let her do things her own way. A limbo land where you don't say "fuck off forever" but also don't say "here are your grandchildren go be a grandparent" can be hard imo. Saying "you can be a grandparent but only if you do it my way" is stressful for everyone. i think you need to decide if she is a good enough grandparent. If she is give her a bit more autonomy within the boundaries you choose. e.g. "You can see them every second Thursday while I go to the gym."

• Accept that there is a possibility that some childhood stages appeal to her more than others. This is quite common and while no excuse for favouritism may mean that things will change over time. For example, I might, depending on your specific kids and their personalities, have to remind myself to put in the effort with dd2 if I came over to visit you all today, as i tend to find school age children and babies easier than toddlers. But if I came in 5 years dd2 and ds might win out over a teenage girl if she took one look at me and retired to her bedroom in disgust.

Good luck with the perrennial nightmare that is your mam, wills. Hope things improve.

I would have to cut ties, or certainly distance myself from the woman Im afraid. I wouldnt want this affecting my DC's

Wills

Re your comment:-
"I simply can't believe she's like this and keep hoping again and again she'll prove me wrong" I think these thoughts are shared by many people who have been and are still suffering at the hands of toxic parents.

You will notice as well that this emotional abuse has now become generational. Your siblings and your good self have been badly affected by their behaviour and now your Mother is doing the self same behaviours to your children. She is dividing one against the other two.

You need to take a stand and make a decision that is in the best interests of your own family unit.
Do not let this woman do this, it will cause your children much suffering which will affect them as adults.

Now that's weird. She does try to divide us siblings. My youngest brother and I have seen through it all and are extremely good friends. My middle brother (who is in California) hasn't really worked it out yet. Depending on who was in disgrace she would phone up the others and declare how terrible the other one was to her and how hard done by she was etc etc.

Scummy, I like some of your ideas but I'm certain that if I left her with all three kids two would be neglected. When dd2 was potty training she was keen to have them for the afternoon (despite me warning her about dd2). Anyway dd2 poohed herself. My "d"m was furious and smacked her (she's never been smacked by either me or dh) and then swore dd1 to secrecy which at only 4.5 she was completely unable to do . Yet when dd1 potty trained she was fantastic. Its going to sound bizare but dd1 looks like her whereas dd2 and ds1 don't. I'm sure its a lot to do with that.

So most people feel that tackling this through my children is a no no. I must admit I think that as dd1 gets old she will hate nana for the favourtism.

My mother does this too she favours ds1 and whilst he couldnt care less about nanny,unless presents or money are on offer, ds2 is always looking for her affection, asks to visit etc and i cant understand why he likes her as when both boys do the same thing wrong ds1 is left to get away with it and ds2 it treated like the heathen child of the devil my dd always stands up for her youngest brother and says but nanny he only did the same as his brother so she isnt nannys favourite person either.My kids have equal love from myself and dh so hopefully as they get older they will see her for what she is and it will be her that misses out.