I can't rely on my own judgement- how do I learn?

[gottachangethename1]

Apologies for the wording of my title. I had what I can now (aged in my forties) see to be an emotionally abuse mum. She always made sure we were well fed & clothed and although there was no arguing or violence, she was emotionally very cold. As a child I didn't understand her odd views on men (essential but horrible) or friends (they don't really like use, they just use you). She was obsessed with all her children being married off early (so that her responsibilities were over) & drilled it into us that we were lucky to get anyone and should except whoever showed any interest in us.
Anyway to get to the point, my life hasn't been easy, bad relationships, very low self esteem & the inability to make good judgements about people I form relationships/friendships with. I've had counselling & have definitely seen things in a new light, but I still find it hard to know if I'm being treated badly or taken advantage of. I am still a bit of a doormat, especially at work & yet I worry if I make a stand then I have read someone wrong & am being selfish. Sorry for the long post. Any advice gratefully received.

I don't really have any advice I'm afraid, but I have had very similar experiences with my mum. The thing about friends only using you and the emotional coldness really resonates with me.

I'd love to know what the answer is. What has really helped me are my colleagues. After a period of changing jobs very frequently, I found a career/workplace which really suited me and have worked with the same people for over ten years. They have given me massive confidence.

Do you have positive people in your life?

There is much written on this site about similar situations which I have found useful. Like you, I am not ready to have no contact, but I wouldn't rule it out in the future.

It can be a very hard situation. I wish you well.

I'm afraid I don't have any advice either, but I'm in a very similar position.

I've been NC with my mother for over 2 years and every day that passes her impact lessens. I have friends; I have 2 wonderful children; an amicable relationship with my exH; a boyfriend who claims to love me very much...

But I'm not sure I really trust any of it.

I've also had counselling and it's really changed how I see myself, and how I feel about my mother, the strength of her ability to still affect me...

But I'm still not sure that I trust my judgements - is that person being nice because they like me, or because they want/need something from me; am I right to trust my boyfriend or are there red flags I can't see...

My mother also drilled it into me that I was lucky to get any one at all; that it was imperative I wasn't single because a single woman was just one who couldn't get a man and that was the greatest shame of all. As a result I didn't value myself enough to be single or find a decent man, and married someone who obviously had his own 'issues'; thus compounding the first 20+ emotionally abusive years of my life with my parents with a further 15+ years of an emotionally abusive relationship.

The bottom line is that I don't trust my judgement when it comes to other people either.

I suppose we just have to gather the evidence. If we trust someone and they don't let us down, well then we made the right choice.

I seek out completely different people to I did do before. When I spend time with my exH, I realise just how different he is to the other people in my life now, so I have to take that as a sign my judgement has improved... But I don't know it.

Sorry, that hasn't helped, but you're not alone. Not by a long shot.

Thank you both for your replies. Folk girl- your story sounds very similar to mine. Sadly I do still seem to gravitate towards people who are domineering & to feel I need to please them all the time. However, I'm now at a stage where I can eventually see it. A colleague at work is a good recent example. She is somewhat of a bully, very self absorbed, yet I sit there every lunch hour while she ruins the little rest time I get with her relentless boasting & bad mouthing. I recognise it now- but I'm still too scared to pull her up on it!

I think seeing the bullying and the domineering behaviour is half the battle actually. It means there's nothing wrong with your judgement at all. Truth is that, even though it probably doesn't feel that way, you can choose and are choosing how to respond. So the self-absorbed woman you work with, for example, you are currently choosing to say nothing out of a combination of fear and possibly not wanting to rock the boat. There are other responses and, like anything new, they take a little practise and application to get right. Assertiveness is a learned skill.

So you don't start with the work gobshite... start with smaller challenges, feel the fear & say it anyway. See what happens because what you anticipate is probably 10 x worse than the reality.

FWIW my approach to 'difficult people' is to win them over first, be their best friend and then manipulate them. (Awful aren't I?) :) It makes me very good at my job but it's also quite useful in other aspects of life. Something to consider.

Cog is right. Once you can recognise unpleasant traits in people, your ability to make accurate judgements is improving.

The issue is really having confidence that those judgements are accurate. I often find that if people are really awful, I can spot them a mile off. I don't have anything to do with people who make constant sarky comments, or whose humour is cruel or at the expense of others. Or the sort of people who believe they are displaying sardonic wit when they're actually just being a nasty, moaning bastard because those are all the things my exh used to do so I can 'see' them.

But other things I find it difficult to tell if I've made a good judgement or not because I feel like I don't have a stable frame of reference.

I am getting better though and, I hate to say it, but not having contact with my mother, so stopping the negative messages/influences is what has had the biggest positive impact.