After the affair: What to do next?

[mothy99]

Hi all. I'm a stay at home dad with a 5 year old son. My wife recently confessed to having a couple (not sure how true this is) of one night stands and to being in a relationship with another man for almost a year.

I feel devastated. My chest hurts all the time and I get pins and needles.

I cannot believe what would possess her to act this way. While we've had our fair share of problems, this does not give her the right to do this.

How do I move on? I feel so numb.

Look, there are all sorts of reasons why people have affairs. It may mean that your relationship is broken, it may not. You will be unbelievably hurt at the moment. Don't rush into any decisions while you are feeling so emotional. Reach out to your friends/family and give yourself the time & headspace to think about what you want the long-term.

Anyone there is only ONE reason why people have affairs. Because they decide to.

There are many reasons why relationships break down, I agree. But that is the one and only reason why people have an affair

OP first of all, can I say how sorry I am you're going through this. Ironically I found out about my exDP's double life from an innocent-looling "like" on FB and I can oh so clearly remember the awful pain you describe.

I think you know what you have to do don't you

1. tell someone in RL - friend, family. I promise you that while it might be hard to imagine getting the words out, you WILL feel better when you ahev

2, Make her leave to give you the headspace to decide what to do

I wish you all the best mothy. I could cry for you and the me that recognises so well where you are right now

OP - I'm so sorry that you are going through this. I recommend chumplady.com (the writer is a woman, but there are plenty of men on there).

A word of warning, she does not have much time for the idea of post-affair reconciliation - but you couldn't want for a more supportive, kick-ass, often very funny person on your side. And there is a good community of people in similar situations on there too.

This is NOT your fault and you do not need to 'man up' . Carry on reaching out for support.

I second that chumplady kumamon. Has really helped me. As has mn. Bon Courage OP. It's tough.

For me, infidelity is an absolute deal breaker. But that's a decision each person must make for themselves. For now, you must begin by being practical. If you are a SAHD, you must consider your financial future. You should probably gather financial info and see a solicitor to see where you stand. Knowing your position in practical terms may make the decision-making easier.

That is not to say that you will not choose to forgive her, that is up to you. But if you do, you MUST go to counseling, both of you. There will be a lot of work to be done on both parts. She will have to learn to be faithful and be willing to prove it to you. You must learn to trust again.

I couldn't forgive after that :( any break up is hard esp when children are involved, I tried to keep things as normal for mine throughout. My brother has also recently broken up with his wife (she was the same) citizens advice can be good if you can't afford legal costs, as others say your going to exp tears, anger, frustrations low self esteem. But it does get easier over time, just give yourself time to go through allof the above and seek help of friends and family. Good luck.