Bringing out the worst in eachother: could ours be a mutually abusive rel?

[TakesTwo]

I have NC.

I have been on and off Mn since my dc1 was born in 2004 and I have felt trapped, misunderstood and bullied in my marriage since. Normally I post about H and the consensus is that he is in the wrong which pleases me. But could I be equally responsible? Could I be abusive too with my temper for example?

It has not been all bad, and certainly from the outside it look very rosy and lovely. This is due to us playing that part of the lovely family, so much so that we are akways at our best when with an audience.

I feel that H dies not communicate well. He shies away from discussion which involve arriving to some sort of compromise: he seems terrified about them, worried he'll be controlled. So pretty much everything has to come from an individual decision from one of us: if the other agrees all fine, if one doesn't tany further discussion are forbidden. This makes me incredibly frustrated and angry and if I dare challenging it all hell gets lose. Big arguments arises, escalate pretty quickly and are verbally aggressive, lots of awful things said.

Coming both from families where there was no love but no argument I didn't worry too much at first as I thought it was horrible to grow up in a place with no emotions. However I wonder if we have gone too far.

I wonder whether we should split not just because H is a twat and I cannot stand him nor living with him anymore but also because this marriage has caused me to behave apallingly too.

Sorry if it doesn't make sense. I don't know what makes sense anymore.

I don't really believe in mutually abusive relationships.

Being with someone who won't allow discussion, and therefore leaves you feeling frustrated and unheard, is going to result in anger. No one is going to be calm and placid in those circumstances. But anger is about temper: whereas abuse has an element of bullying, intimidation and control. The two things are linked, but not the same.

If you are unhappy in your relationship, though, you don't need to line up reasons to end it. If you think he's awful and you can't stand living with him, that's all you need to know.

I think it's certainly possible for a very unhealthy dynamic to arise in a relationship where both partners end up behaving badly. I honestly don't know whether mutually abusive is the right description. But abusive or not, a relationship like that must be horribly unhappy. And that's not how life with someone is meant to be.

If you think your H is a twat and you can't stand living with him, that's more than enough reason to split. You don't need anything more.

I am constantly second guessing, questioning myself. I am tired. I know full well this is not the way a relationship should be especially mine.

So it's been, what, a decade of this. :( Trapped, misunderstood and bullied - who would be at their best when they felt like that? I don't think you'll be able to magic it better by behaving differently, if that's in your thoughts. No matter who's said which awful thing, there's a core issue here - he is blocking all discussion and negotiation, and how can you fix any relationship issues without discussing and negotiating?

Some relationships thrive on heated arguments to clear the air, some are much more chilled out. But no relationship can survive one partner constantly stonewalling any degree of compromise.

Yes, it has.

I think wyrdyBird has got it right: i can end it just because I am unhappy. I do not have to find good enough reasons or incredibly bad behaviours (which there are but if you go down that route you can pretty much justify or explain pretty much everything) to say enough.

I am recreating a pattern learnt in childhood.

TaskTwo, I think I could have written your post. I am in a relationship just like yours. We are both terrible communicators and I think for me, having a partner who dismisses me when I try to start talking has really fed my anxiety. I usually can only communicate when I have bottled things up for so long that it just erupts and we have a massive, verbally abusive argument.

My childhood didn't help - I know my parents loved me (and still do) but I had no emotional support or guidance from them when I needed it most and it now has made my relationships difficult to handle. We never talked about life or problems. I have judgement issues, I cannot show vulnerability for fear of being rejected and I now feel like my partner is just like my parents.

Fortunately, I am seeing a counsellor who is helping me work through this. It's costing me a fortune, but I desperately need it to help me get some perspective which will, in turn, help me decide if I will stay or go. If you can afford it, I would strongly suggest you see someone too.

I have read back over my post and feel like you i.e. I don't know if it makes sense, but I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone

I had hoped that when I reached my 40s I would be more sorted but life feels harder than ever x

Cheeks, at the risk of sounding cheesy I must say it, I could have written your post, in its entirety.

I have seen a counsellor for two years . It helped me. I was going mad. I had the strength to say I needed a break and H and I separated for a few months. I felt great and I free again. And that meant I was not resentful. We got along better with that distance. We mistook that, I think, and for a while things got better (also because a tragedy happened right then and I felt He needed my support).

But personalities do not change. I have the issues that you mention. I have felt like a teenager feels at home with authoritarian parents. I have wanted to run away for a long time. I do recognise that I am part of the oroblem, in that someone else might be able to laugh at my H and not take what he says so seriously. I always thought that someone else could get a lot about from him. Maybe.

The cousellor and I agreed that work wasn't finished but has I felt better and wanted to see how life was without we could stop. I have not regretted it but can see I have a long way to go. I am sure I'll go back again, to avoid making the same mistakes. But right now I want space to breath. And plus there is a part of me that thinks that if he is not remotely interested in looking at himself and his imput, there's no hope. I cannot pull this cart by myself, and gos knows how much I've tried.

We did go together once. He lasted two sessions. The things he said in there made the counsellor freeze. How he was avoiding any discussion and put the faults all on to me. He was says "you you you" I say "we we we".

See, I've just turned 40 and maybe that has made me slightly more resolute. My 20s were great (after the imorisonment of the teenager years), my 30s a struggle (thankufully I have lively dc), I want my 40s to feel mine. I also started a job where I see a lot of death. I have one life. No one will reward me for being miserable. And to be fair H is pretty miserable. I know he'll be happier too.

In my heart I know I will be fine and happy and better once I jjumped. It is this middle bit that scares the shit out of me. Hopefully I am ready to made the crossing.

Ps: your post made absolute sense.

Thank you for your post. It gives me confort that I am not mad.

thanks for your message - I hope I have the courage to take the jump one of these days. I just can't feel like this for much longer. I am not a good talker and therefore things swirl around in my head constantly. I just wonder how he could be possibly happy. I feel sorry for the kids because I know it would devastate them but I also know that I cannot stay just for them. I feel sick thinking about it. My family live on the other side of the world and so I also feel trapped for this reason. Sigh.
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