have just realised that i was raped when i was 14...

[howcouldinothaverealised]

How could I not have realised this?

Not much I can do now. never even knew the bloke's second name. but just need to process this new information.

I have never told anyone what happened as I was so ashamed. but have never actually defined it to myself as 'rape'. I was abused by my father as a child anyway, and so my boundaries at the time where very skewed. but I did say no to this bloke, but he carried on anyway. that's rape, right? Should I have said no a bit more forcefully???

No is no and any normal bloke would know what it means and stop.
You need to contact Rape Crisis and talk this through.
They can help you through the realisation.

Have you had any therapy or counselling for the abuse you suffered when you were younger at the hands of your father?
How old are you now?

You said no and you meant it. It's not your fault.

You could talk to Rape Crisis? They are happy to talk about stuff from the past too

Thanks hellsbells and kali. yes, I've had LOADS of therapy for the child abuse and do genuinely feel that I have 'dealt' with that, as much as one ever does 'deal' with it..

I'm 42 now, happy and sorted. I'm not sure how I feel, to be honest. I think it's about getting my head around having the definition of having been raped. Cannot imagine ever talking about it though - have never told ANYONE what actually happened as I've been so ashamed, and yet I'm very open to my friends about what happened with my father (which I am not at all ashamed about, as I KNOW that that wasn't my fault!)

Odd.

You know THIS wasn't your fault either.
You were 14!

I'm so glad your life is sorted but this may need to be confronted.
Contact Rape Crisis. You don't need to tell anyone else. Just talk to them anonymously. They may be a great help to you.

I would report it, personally. You may not know the man's name, but somebody you know will.
He could be merrily abusing his away around that town right now.

You said no, this was not your fault

Would it help to talk here about it to get your thoughts out? Completely understand if you don't want to.

You can still report it if you feel like you want to?

there really is no reason to report it - it would serve no purpose. I wouldn't even recognise him now (he was 17 at the time and all I knew was that he was called 'Bobby. He was a lad who, along with his mates, briefly appeared in the town.).

Thing that I feel angry about is that some of my peer group knew at the time what had happened (well, I guess they assume it was consensual) and I remember being called a 'slag' and 'bitch' etc. THAT pisses me off!!! despite the abuse from my father, I was technically a virgin at the time (my father's abuse was in the form of voyeurism and touching, but not actual penetration. sorry if that's tmi).

I am ACTUALLY ok, which in itself is strange. I suppose it is all academic now.