What should I expect from my partner moneywise? HELP!

[RL35]

Hi, this is an ongoing debate/argument/row in our house and it is really getting me down and i am thinking of just leaving with my daughter.
I left a really good job to move to my partners part of the world and have a baby - all happened very quickly. She is now nearly 3 and has been in nursery since she was 6 months old.
I have had 3 part time jobs here and now settled in an OK one. I get paid £1000 a month for 3 days - once I have paid the nursery, my car insurance, mobile bill, home phone bill, and a few other othings I have less than £62.00 a week for food, my daughter, me, extras (birthdays etc, clothes and so on...
We live in my partners flat that he owns, he still drives the same car, (a v.expensive one), has the same job (owns his own company), I am always overdrawn and he cannot understand why...we are arguing so much he gets so angry and starts calling me all the names under the sun. He hardly ever gives me money and thinks as he pays the mortgage and house bills thats it..(its his house) - I look after our daughter 99% of the time with no help..
Any ideas? X

I think you just need to talk about it properly without him getting angry. I think a lot of men are like this, they just assume that all child-related and childcare issues and expenses should be shouldered by the mother. Ideally you should pool your finances into a joint account. Is your relationship happy otherwise?

hi saadia
thanks for that.. I have tried and he has such a thing about money - its the first thing he talks about in the morning and last thing at night..he is so money orientated. I don't think I am 100% happy and sometimes I do think i am with him because of our daughter.

From when we got married we had a joint account. All that both of us earn goes into the joint account. All expenses that we have come out of the same joint account. Its our money, not his or mine. That is just our way of doing it, and I know a lot of people do it differently. But we reckon we are a partnership and as such we pool our resources. If eithe rof us wants to spend a lot of money on something (currently more than £50 in a week) then we have to talk it over.
Like saadia said, though, you have to work out if the trouble with money is just a symmptom of something else wrong with your relationship.

For starters you could try suggesting he pays 1/2 the nursery bill

we also have a joint account which all our money goes into (at the moment that is just DH's salary).
Out of that comes mortgage, car, shopping, insurance, bills everything - if we paid for childcare that would come out of it too.
We both have a standing order that takes the same amount of money out of that account into our separate accounts - that's our own individual money for clothes, presents, hair cuts etc.
I can't imagine how it could work any other way. Dh doesn't "give" me money (except when I have none in my purse and I need it until I get to the bank) - it's our money.

Ours works a bit like Tommy's but the other way up - each of our salaries go into our personal accounts and a standing order takes money from there into a jont account, which pays all household expenses, mortgage, bills etc.
The amount each of us pays into the joint account is proportional to what we earn, so we don't have exactly the same amount left over for personal treats, but we do each have enough left to maintain lifestyles we're happy with.

I don't think I'd be happy relying on DH to 'give me money', especially if I was working myself.
If he's not open to complete trasparency and any of the joint account ideas (and some men aren't and it may only cause rows if you push it), a first step would be to suggest he takes over paying for at least the home phone bill, nursery and food shopping, all of which you pay at the moment and don't have the money to.

RL35, I'm sorry to hear that you're not totally happy. I suppose there are issues in many relationships that do cause tension and that aren't perfect. But the money thing is a big one, and it has to be settled fairly.

Perhaps there is something in your dp's childhood/background that has made him so careful with money, and so unwilling to share.

he should deff pay at least 1/2 nursery fees and food shopping bill
you have given up your job to move in with him so its your house not just his also you are prob only working 3 days cause of your child
he will pay alot more to you through cis so make him realise

We've had a set-up like MrsBadger descibes, but as I'll be going on maternity leave from February we've decided to go for an arrangement like Tommy's - that way I won't feel as though DH is 'giving' me money so won't feel guilty for spending my 'allowance' on haircuts, clothes etc. Things for the baby will come out of the joint account.

I plan to go back to work part-time and we will still use this arrangement. We sat down last weekend and worked everything out - exactly how much 'pooled' money we'd have, our outgoings, how much we'd allow ourselves each per week, and the amount that would be put into savings. It was great seeing everything laid out - I'd been worrying about how we'd cope financially and this has made me see that we won't actually be badly off at all.

Gosh, after 3 years and a baby I would want more of an equal financial footing.

You have to find what works for you. I couldn't deal with anything but completely shared finances, but other people like to keep things more separate. Separate but equal, fair enough, but your financial relationship seems desparately unequal.

RL35n- tbh it sounds like he wants to have his cake and eat it.

I agree with others - finance is a big one in a relationship and you need equal footing, and this is not 'modern thinking' - there was a time when hubby would get home and hand his pay packet to the wife from which she might give him an allowance!

What we do is have a personal account each and a joint account. We both get our wages paid into our personal accounts (DH preferred this but it makes no difference to the outcome). We total up all our 'joint' monthly outgoings - mortgage, bills, childcare (DS is 50% his!), food, nappies etc. We then work out how much needs to be put into our joint a/c to cover those outgoings. Our most important part is that my time at home with DS (I work 2 days) is counted as EQUAL in value to DH working. We basically add our 2 salary amounts together, minus the joint outgoings and divide by 2. We then use that amount (which is equal) as the amount each of us gets to keep each month. Our 'personal' outgoings then come out of that left over amount - for me that includes my car insurance/maintainance, clothes, professional subscription etc. For DH it's his car costs, CDs and gadgets!

The other important thing is that we are both completely honest about what we earn, spend, are overdrawn etc BUT neither of us has the 'right' to comment on the other's spending. (sorry about the essay - hope it helps!)

you could present him with a bill for the child care you do, cleaning, cooking, add on the nursery bill, food etc. if that doesn't work, stop buying food for him - say you can't afford it.

he needs a serious wakeup call.

He sounds like a selfish bully. You need to be strong and sort it out. You are taking far too much on yourself.

What example is your daughter seeing?

My parents had similar issues with money ( and other things). I followed similar, destructive patterns in my adult life, and so did my 2 sisters. It took me until well into my 30s to realise that I didn't have to be a doormat.

Sorry to be so blunt but you are a family now and you need to sort everything out as a family, not as 2 separate individuals.

Personally, I would be giving ultimatums if he wouldn't agree to change things. But thats just me.

Good Luck.

That's pretty shocking!

DH and I have seperate accounts - the Tax Credits, CB and my salary go into my account and his salary into his.

He pays for the car HP, Mortgage, Car Insurance and council Tax. I pay for the Gas, Elec, Water, Household Insurance, Credit Cards (both), Water, TV licence, Child Sponsorship programme and Groceries and another debt we're repaying.

Although it sounds like I'm paying out a lot - it actually works out that on a average month we end up with a similar amount left in our accounts (often nothing LOL) once everything is paid out.

If he gets a really good bonus a work (he gets commision) - the money is his to do as he pleases, likewise if I manage to get some extra nights in at work, or play for a funeral (£50 a go - cash in hand!) I also get to the keep the money.

If there's anything 'big' or important that needs getting we'll sit down and work it out between us how to pay - but otherwise it's a pretty even splot.

Sorry, but imo he's not pulling his weight financially. She is your (joint) daughter. And to be honest I would have expected him to pay the nursery costs and certainly the home phone bill. Your relationship to all intent purposes is one where you are common in law husband and wife and should share everything. In Holland where my H comes from unless you state otherwise when you are living together/married if you split you get half of everything. He's expecting too much of you and sounds way to controlling.

No way should you pay all the nursery bill, looking after you daughter is a joint responsibility and if he disagrees tell him you are happy for him to look after her instead.

Pre children I would pay a proportion of my salary into the housebills account towards bills and the mortgage. We each had a similar amount left over - i.e he earned twice as much as me, but paid tice as much into the joint account. We had similar spending on ourselves.
After dd was born I worked part time but had no childcare costs as my dm looked after dd for free. I paid for everything for dd - clothes and so on, he paid the mortgage and all bills ( including my phone and all food bills).
After ds was born I became a SAHM. Now I have no income. DH pays into the housebills account, and effectvely pays for everything. But we have no childcare expense. DS is now 1. I still have quite a lot of cash in savings, but that is for me. And for things like birthday presents for him, my nights out etc. If I need money for the kids I take it out of the housebills account. If I buy myself clothes I take it out of the housebills account. I am incredibly lucky, but still find it difficult using "his" money for myself. So we are setting up a standing order from his account into my account to cover the kids expenses, and extras for me. Almost as if I was being paid for childcare IYSWIM and kind of like the housekeeping money of old. Any left over at the end of the month I will pay into a savings account. If there's a shortfall I will take money out of the housebills account to cover it. We will reassess how the housebills account is doing every few months.
I am incredibly fortunate that dh earns a good salary and that we no longer have a mortgage and get dividends from his business annually.
I do think that having a child is a shared expense and it strikes me that your dp is almost ignoring the expenses that you incur through paying childcare and being at work. Would a fairer split be for you to pay a proprtion of the mortgage and childcare and for him to do the same? At least that way each of you is contributing towards the main drains on finances each month, you feel like you're contributing towards the roof over your head, and he's contributing towards your dd. As a starting point look at each of your salaries and work out a reasonable amount at the end of each month for you both to have to spend.

Sorry that was so long! Another worry I would have is the fact that he is your dp and not your dh, and if I were you I would want my name included in some way on the deeds for the house. It always seems pretty precarious to me when you are effectively completely responsible for your dd's upkeep and have no say over the roof over her head.

Just scanned this thread. I think £62 for food for 2 a week should be ok, but does he buy his own food? It seems you are sharing a house not a home and a life!! I think you need to look at the whole thing and decide whats best. If you decide it is what yoou want maybe you should sit down with him and make a list of out goings and incomings and see a fair way of who pays for what

Invoice him for the childcare that you do to enable him to work!

Thanks guys - really good advice..watch this space!

I agree with the comment that it seems you're sharing a house not a home or a life. Once you're a family, imho, you're a single unit. Everything is a team effort - childcare, nursery bills, household bills. dh and I pool all our earnings (not that I have many...) and pay everything out of the same joint account. Big spends we discuss. There is a bit of an imbalance in that he does earn a lot more than me, so I'd pretty much never dream of "veto-ing" anything he wants to spend on himself - but I've never wanted to anyway iyswim.I think you need to discuss with your dp whether you are a family unit - cos if you are he's behaving wholly unreasonably. (and, in any case, even if he won't pool everything there is no logical reason whatsoever why you should be paying all the nursery bills.)

this sounds spookily like my experience of married life ! i work part time since DD born and have always payed all childcare , DH pays rent and bills and 'gives' me £100 a week for housekeeping which is spent on food shopping ,milk bill ,pet food ,sons school money for dinner and bus . I am in debt because at christmas ,birthdays etc i end up buying pressies from next and m&s .He regularly buys himself gadgets from the internet , mp3 etc whilst i feel guilty when i spend a fiver in the charity shops ! . I have tried countless times to sit down and talk about it ,but to no avail. DH earns £50,000 and i earn about £9,000 ,but really about £3,000 after childcare,tax and pension etc. Our total monthly bill is about £650 so you can see the disparity in our available incomes and yet he thimks i am crap with money!
If you love him you will stay and work out a way around it ,otherwise explain calmly that if you leave it will be a hell of alot more expensive for him

As another poster said, apart from the fact it doesn't seem like a partnership. I too think as a partner you are in a very insecure position with regards to the house. If you split, you would be left with no roof, no security. I think you need that

We put all our money in a joint account then give ourselves pocket money into a sole account which can be frittered away as each person sees fit . It works really well for us as it means each person can do small mad purchases without the other having to approve them, tbh the amount is small but it is the concept of having my own money & the same for my dh that is a winner.

It also means that it doesn't matter who earns more and thats exactly how it should be imho for a family unit.