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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being unreasonable

12 replies

sarahsbump · 08/09/2006 08:33

Hi all,DP and I have been together nearly 2 years and have a DS who is 9 weeks.
Since DS was born I am the one who does all the caring so that DP can work and pay the bills,we are not struggling but we do have to stick to a budget.
To make some extra money DP and I have started to do mystery shopping but DP is taking on so many assignments that we never get any time together and when he is at home he is typing up reports and playing on the computer.
I love looking after DS but I feel that DP spends hardly anytime with us,I know the extra money is god but am I being unreasonable to expect DP to spend time with me and his son? I am due back to work in about a month which means we will have even less time together.
DP is always accusing me of being snappy and moody even when im fine but im so sick of him having a so that it makes me snappy and its a vicious circle!!
So am I expecting too much from DP or does he need to spend more time being a family?

OP posts:

edam · 08/09/2006 08:38

No, you aren't. I think he's getting absorbed in his new passion - my dh is often like this when he takes up a new hobby. But he needs to step back and realise that this isn't on.

quanglewangle · 08/09/2006 08:49

My dh behaved similarly - head in a book after a long day at work, while for me the relentless round of childcare just continued. So no, you aren't being unreasonable.

However I don't know what to advise. I dealt with it by not dealing with it. If I asked for help I always got it (willingly) but I got tired of always having to ask. Any comment to this effect never went down well - he does a good flounce at any criticism and sulks for days. Well I can't live like that so I stayed quiet.

Now I am in middle age I am getting more assertive and it isn't going down at all well.

Original poster

sarahsbump · 08/09/2006 08:58

He says that if I ask he will do stuff but like you say you get fed up of asking!!
But when I do ask he isnt that willing he either says he will do it in a minute (try telling a baby that they have to wait a minute for their bottle!) or he says he has to do his reports (half the time when I look over his shoulder he is looking up stupid stuff!!)
He then moans about being tired but is happy to stay up till midnight playing on the pc!
He hasnt done a night feed since DS was born and I have only been away from DS for two lots of 10 mins because DP doesnt know how to look after him cos he doesnt know how!!
I always make sure that dinner is on the table when he comes home and that he has clean clothes for work but he cant even put his clothes in the wash to help!!
I really feel like walking away but my parents live 3 hours away and I dont want to part him from his son

OP posts:

hunkermunker · 08/09/2006 09:01

SB, tell him you just need to pop to the shop for a pint of milk/loaf of bread. And go. Be half an hour.

He has to be able to look after DS, you need a break from time to time.

liquidclocks · 08/09/2006 09:09

Print off this thread and leave it lying around!

You're not being unreasonable at all but DP's behhaviour is fairly typical (not all men but a lot are like this) - they don't know what they're doing, don't feel they have the 'natural' (ha ha) instincts you have etc etc. Get himto agree to do at least one thing for and hour every day with the baby - for my DH it was bath time and a cuddle then a bottle - he has to commit to it and you don't have to ask him to do it. Also write a list for the change bag so you can ask him to check it and get it ready to out and stuff like that. Basically set him up so he doesn't have an excuse to say no. Took memonths to figure this out but we got there eventually! Talking now with DH about it he says he felt left out and when he did do stuff it was never 'right', maybe remember this when you do ask him to do things - always praise him rather than criticise (good practice for when LO gets older).

Hope this helps - good luck!

quanglewangle · 08/09/2006 09:09

Good advice Hunker. Build up slowly so's he doesn't notice.

I am all too familiar with the 'In a Minute' Syndrome.
Then he forgets.
Then we get 'I would have done that' which is even more infuriating. I am afraid they don't change.

hunkermunker · 08/09/2006 09:11

Yes, also agree with LC - make sure that if he does do something for the baby, you don't go "Oh, you're doing it all wrong, let me do it" or start doing something he's done all over again.

quanglewangle · 08/09/2006 09:33

I agree but it can be a difficult one. Offering advice elicits the accusation of thinking everything should be done my way. He has his own way of doing things, as he is fond of telling me.

So I try to keep quiet, but that is hard to do when a baby is involved the task. Sometimes you just have to say something. Getting the tone of voice right is vital. I was never any good at that. Still not!

Original poster

sarahsbump · 08/09/2006 10:04

its good to know im not the only one who suffers like this
I dont want DP to miss out on this cos DS is changing so quickly.
He gets jealous of the way DS smiles and "talks" to me and the way he settles when I cuddle him but I cant get it through to him that I have had to work at it and spend time with him to achieve it!!
im not sure I can go out and leave DP to it cos he doesnt know how to handle it when DS cries-he sits there watching him and asking what to do even though I have told him time and time again to cuddle him or change his nappy or feed him etc!!
Would he cope if I went out or could DS (obviously not intentionally) be in danger?

OP posts:

legalmum · 08/09/2006 13:00

The only way he's going to get involved, by the sound of it, is if you force him. He isn't going to harm the baby, and even if he "neglects", ie, leaves him to cry for a few minutes before sorting the baby out, the world won't stop turning. My dh was the same with our oldest and I used to go out to Sainsburys for an hour then go for a coffee and read the paper by myself. The first time I did this, I came back to find dh on pc (working hard, I must admit), with ds in carseat, strapped onto rocking chair with dh rocking him with one foot, Jaffa cake clipped at convenient angle to tshirt (ds, not dhs). Not exactly superdaddy, but I couldn't help laughing. With my youngest, dh was working away all week, and at weekends, youngest would cry when this strange man appeared. I used to pack them off for the day and they'd go off to the beach or somewhere. If I'd been around, I'd have been motherhenning and they really need to just learn to get on with it in their own way. In other words, make yourself unavailable and somehow or other, they'll muddle through and start to bond.

Original poster

sarahsbump · 08/09/2006 14:26

Cheers Legalmum I guess its just hard to leave DS when Im so used to being there but I suppose that DP needs that time to
We have had a chat and he agrees that he needs to give the family some time so hopefully things will improve from now on x

OP posts:

liquidclocks · 08/09/2006 17:42

Something my DH used to do that was GREAT was to put DS in his papoose when he needed a nap and take him for a walk in town - I'd send him to get 'real' sausages from the butchers or something like that. DS would be guaranteed to sleep, DH got to get out and I got ME time! (also DH actually really liked the attention he got when out with such a cute baby strapped to his frint - sweet! nothing like a proud daddy!)

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