Advice needed please

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I am posting on behalf of my SIL (DH's sister). She recently decided to separate from her husband and is in urgent need of advice.

SIL has been married for about 8 years, in the beginning he went through her emails and found that she had been in contact with other men (before meeting him). This resulted in an argument during which he slapped her across the face . We only found out that this happened recently. At the time he blamed her saying 'see what you made me do'. Since then he has never physically hurt her but the fact he had done that left her feeling intimidated.

He has tried to isolate her from friends and family. He also overrides her opinions, makes her second guess herself and she feels she has to change her personality when she is with him. He works abroad and she looks after the children alone here, when he comes he does not help her at home or with looking after the children (even when she was just about to give birth or when she had newborns), although he is generally caring and a good father according to SIL.

Following the birth of their third child, he had a dramatic outburst at MIL and other family members in front of his mother and other relatives who had come to see the new baby. During this outburst he apparently shouted at MIL in a very threatening way, accusing her of always watching him and judging him.

SIL told him she wanted a divorce, they have been talking for several weeks but she feels he manipulates everything she says and tries to make her feel guilty about splitting up the family 'for no reason'. Since then he has gone from one minute saying 'this is war' 'there is no hope for reconciliation now' 'he will take this all the way' and also implying he could take children abroad, to begging for mediation and a second chance. SIL also goes from being very sure she wants to split to saying he has been reasonable towards her and also feeling guilty about how upset the children are. He has changed the locks to the house so she can't get in and she is temporarily living with MIL. MIL now hates him and does not want SIL to return to the house as she is so worried about what he will do if he turns up, even though there is no history of physical violence, other than the one incident. I just found out that apparently SIL's husband was violent towards his first wife who he divorced after 10 years of marriage.

We would like to know

• does this sound like an EA relationship? SIL has read some of the Lundy book and feels it describes him and their relationship, however they do have times when everything is ok (however she does not challenge him generally)
• should she move back to the family home? does it sound like it could be a risk?
• she would like to arrange contact for the children but would it be best for this to be in a public place?
• does it sound like he could change with therapy/mediation or is divorce the only way forward?

If I was walking in her shoes (and I have done) I would be telling myself to go - run for the bloody hills in fact. However, hindsight is a wonderful thing. She needs to see a lawyer and get contact arrangements in place.
She needs therapy herself and not to be worrying about therapy for him. That's his problem.

I know I wouldn't move back to the family home and I know (now) that she shouldn't feel guilty. She should look to freeing herself of this arsewipe of a human being. But how lucky she has you and you can help her through this mess. I wish her the very best x

thanks Nespresso. we have seen some lawyers with her and have fpund one i think is good (a member of Resolution). we are informally setting contact arrangements for the time being (children are very ypung)

Well, you are doing the best you can for her. Now get her to see her GP and get her some counselling on NHS - there may be a wait list so the sooner she sees GP the better. You are a wonderful SIL and like I said she is fortunate to have you guide her through this dreadful time. You sound like you know what you're doing x

Assuming your SIL has her DCs with her then she should not take steps to move them all back into the family home. I'm impressed that the MIL (his mother?) is supporting her because most of the time mothers will side with sons, however badly they behave.

She is/was in an abusive relationship that's very clear. Whatever you want to call it, he's an intimidating bully and he has been violent. I note that you've already found solicitors but she should make sure they have direct experience of cases where there is DV because some don't and this influences the quality & appropriateness of the advice they give.

I would further suggest that she stays completely out of contact with her ex other than something that is strictly to do with the children. Any contact he gets, given that he is manipulative and abusive, will be used to control her.

A final word of caution for you.... it is VITAL that your SIL is leading this process. She has been controlled and bullied for a long time, her confidence is shot and she will doubt her own judgement for a time. She clearly has residual feelings for this man and may still harbour hopes that he will change for the better and the family can be restored. That is very common. So - however good your intentions are - please make very, very sure that you are following her lead and not trying to steamroller her into anything before she's ready.

By MIL I mean my MIL, SIL's mother. Her husband's MIL is firmly on her son's side as is the rest of his family.

I found the lawyer through Resolution and he is experienced in DV and seems good - I have also downloaded Marilyn Stowe's book which was recommended on here.

We are doing our best not to interfere with SIL's decision making process and have left it to her to make the decision with going ahead with the legal process if/when she wants. He is currently bombarding her with messages begging her to try again so will suggest she stops all contact except re children.

The solicitor did advise her to go back to the family home if she can as she is legaly entitled to do so. For now someone will go with her if she needs to pick anything up but would you advise her not to be there on her own in the circumstances?

I meant her husband's mother not his MIL! Sorry to make it confusing.

Bumping for more advice esp re access to children

'see what you made me do'

That's what Tina Nash's attacker said in the hours he left her before he allowed medical attention having gouged out her eyes.

No contact. No excuses.

He's not safe to see the dc, they too are at risk from him as people like him can kill the kids to hurt her.

She needs to look at an occupation order, getting him removed from the dc home and moving back in.

Although perhaps if she moved somewhere he doesn't know, she'd be safer.

Contact is for the benefit of the dc only. And it's never in their best interests to risk abduction or harm.

She needs to lawyer up with a solicitor with teeth.