Feeling sick. Brother told me he thinks our stepdad has been spying on him. Advice needed urgently please

[BillyBobbed]

Have name changed. Brother confided in me that he is sure our stepdad has been watching him through the crack of his bedroom door, as well as the keyhole. He has caught our stepdad numerous times outside the door for no reason, and said he acts very flushed and awkward if my bro opens it. My bro told me that he had been getting changed the other day when he caught sight of stepdad in the mirror opposite the door peering round the corner to look at him. Bro is in pieces understandably, as he didn't want to believe it was actually happening.

So not to drip feed, he is 20, stepdad in late forties. He said stepdad has been extra nice lately too, doing his chores around the house and stuff. I don't live with them, so haven't personally noticed anything. I will admit we've always thought he was a bit innapropriate and flamboyant, but I just feel sickened at all this. The guy has raised us from kids that's what makes it worse. Please please what the hell should we do? Mother is crazy about him. Anything we can do for time being? Anyone have experience of this???

Please get him to secure his door first - sliding bolt and covering the keyhole. I presume the bathroom door is lockable so the same hasn't happened there? If your mum asks why all the security he can say he is uncomfortable with the amount of times step dad has been there, watching, walking in etc. Then at least he can change/sleep etc feeling safer. Then explore his options about moving out. Get him to stay with you when he can e.g. weekend so you can help him organise his move.

So you think your DM will choose a sneaking pervert over her son?

Mine did. Minimised it all. Set a camera up and show her

I don't normally post here but felt compelled as I am very worried for your brother. IME they very often have their pervert holes in the ceiling in different rooms (as Prisoner said), as well as lurking around doorways.

He needs to leave for his psychological safety, not to mention physical. He is being sexually abused and it is not his responsibility to confront this perp. Could you discuss it with your mother, it will be too difficult for him? She might be open to hearing it, even though I realise you feel she won't.

There is no way for him to feel safe and the long term impact of staying there is not worth thinking about, compounded by the fact he already suffers from high anxiety. The priority is coming up with any other options for where he can live.

I think you have to help db move out and tell dm why.

Can you help db find a flat or mate he can move in with in his home town? A 20 year old working man - probably time anyway.

Then on a weekeknd you are visiting, sit your mum down with db and get db to tell her why. Try to keep it calm and clear. Don't leave any room for ifs, buts or maybes. "I'm moving out because stepdad has been repeatedly spying on me while I get dressed. I love you but I can't live in a house with him any more."

Your dm probably wont believe (or will say she doesn't) but it may just add one of many seeds of doubt that she has been hiding from you. It may add another piece to a jigsaw for her. Even if she decides to remain in complete denial, she needs to understand why the relationship with your db has changed.

And get db to confront stepdad, if needs be while you are there for moral support. Don't enter an argument.Just state facts. "This is what you have been doing. Stop now."

Thankyou sincerely for the advice, it is invaluable. Yes the hole thing worries me, as I said he is very savvy with gadgets so wouldn't be surprised if he has set one up in bro's room to watch him. I will gladly move him to mine of course it's just that we live very far away and he has to get to work. His job is only part time so unfortunately not like he has money to use for rent. We will have to do something ASAP. I feel sick and shaky this morning knowing that our stepdad is not the man I thought he was. Hes very involved with my kids which makes it even worse. Bro actually asked me to keep the kids away from him.

I can imagine dm saying we are imagining it or that it's just creaky floorboards. How the fuck do abuse victims confront the abuser?? This is hard enough I can't imagine what it's like in a worse situation. I know I'm drip feeding but I was groomed by a family friend as a young teen and dm practically blamed me for it and then carried on her friendship with the person.

In the case I know of it was connected to a camera in the loft. The victim just had a weird feeling of being watched. No creaking floorboards or anything.

It's surprisingly usual.

Well I wouldn't be surprised in a way, he could have connected a camera to his computer, dm would be none the wiser because she is horrendous with technology.

Sympathy OP, this is awful for you and for your brother.

I'm glad you are there to support your brother, and to reassure him that none of this is his fault, and that he has your belief and trust. Old as he is, it's amazing how quick we are to feel somehow guilty when something like this happens.

But I don't believe it's helpful right now for poster to be calling your step dad 'filthy pervert' and similar. He may be all of those things but I think you will find it easier to take decisive, effective action if you bear in mind that your DM loves your SD, and that he has, from the sounds of things, done good as well as bad. That doesn't mean that you or your brother should put up with his behavior for a minute. Only that your emphasis is not on persecuting him, but rather on getting the best for the whole family, especially your brother.

If your brother can't move out just yet then yes, please do help him to block as many potential peep holes as possible, and to secure his room. How awful for him to feel that he may be being watched from places he doesn't even know about, especially if he is already suffering from high anxiety. Clearly, you have to make plans to get him out of there even if its just not practical to do so yet. I can imagine though that losing his job right now would only increase your brother's anxiety, and take away some structure and security, so perhaps that would be too high a price to pay for moving in with you? But you will decide.

You sound like a lovely sister, and all credit to you for doing your best to take care of your brother when this is such a shock to yourself and your family. All the very best OP and good luck.

Thankyou for your kind words and advice ANoteToFollowSo

I will wait to speak to bro today and discuss a few steps we can take

There could be a hidden camera in the room. Maybe someone knows of a way to detect these or to mess up the wifi if it's that.

Tell DB to always dress /undress in the dark, he could put his clothes ready first.

The SF has prob done this for years so try to calm DB as nothing different is likely to happen, just more spying (I wouldn't say this if DB was younger).Could there be a camera in the bathroom, worth checking.

I'm not sure he can confront his DM until he is ready to move out. If he raises the issue the DSF will just stop temporarily, or appear to stop for DM's benefit and DB is no better off.

Perhaps make hints to DM with thing like a bolt on the door, when DM asks say 'Why do you think I need this?' and leave her to work it out and to observe the skulking and spying for herself.

She might stay with DSF but needs to know he is a risk to young men/boys so that she is aware in the future (after DB has left).

How awful for you and your db.

Probably grasping at straws here but is there any possibility your sd suspects your db is up to something and that's why he's spying? I was just thinking of other possibilities but I guess there's watching and then there's watching...

Either way of course, it's not on. Just wondered if there might be an innocent explanation.

Kinky toes I actually brought this up with my bro but we have discarded it because of how bro has caught him up near the keyhole and watching him get changed. I did think it was that initially but bro is the 'good' kid so no reason for stepdad to suspect anything. Bro works, sees his few friends and comes home to sleep. Doesn't really go raving or anything

please excuse my comments. i am approaching this from the pov of our family. my brother had a breakdown that resulted in paranoid behaviour and the belief that he was being watched etc and very similar accusations
i only mention it because of a few things you say about your brother
i am not saying you should disbelieve him or anything like that, but perhaps just consider if there is anything that doesnt make sense etc. for me that would perhaps be the bending down at keyhole, which sounds more 'filmlike'

Sanfairy you can't be serious!
Creaky floorboards and looking through keyholes when her brother's getting changed - come on!!!!
Op what sort of inappropriate things did he say to you and your sister/brother?

God this is vile. You need to tell your mother. She absolutely needs to know and this mans behaviour needs confronting. Please please do not cover up this abuse. Your brother needs this out in the open. He needs to check for peep holes around bathrooms etc.

This is not ok. Your step dad is quite vile regardless of what your mother thinks of him. She has a right to know what he is doing under her roof. Can you show her this thread? What if he has previous form? Exposé him ASAP.

I feel sick at the thought if him spying on you and your brother as children. It might not have happened and I really hope it didn't.

I think sanfairy has a point. The OP has said that her brother suffers from 'serious anxiety' so there are two possibilities here a) the SF is doing exactly what the brother says he is or b) his mental health is deteriorating and he is experiencing paranoia.

That is not to minimise abuse. The brother needs help either way.

Anxiety does not necessarily mean that he is paranoid.
The anxiety could be caused because of his stepfather.
The brother has actually SEEN the stepfather doing this when he is undressing.

You're right anxiety doesn't mean he would be paranoid, but it could mark an escalation of mental health problems, that's all. It could be a transient psychotic episode.

I just want to be clear: abuse victims should always be believed. In this particular circumstance there are pre-existing mental health issues, and if the OP is to be able to help her brother, she needs to know exactly what she's dealing with.