Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

update on my problem lodgers

29 replies

peachgirl · 26/06/2014 19:03

Hello, and thanks to everyone for your previous kind advice on my situation. I thought you'd like an update on the situation if any of you did offer me some link here.

I've kept a typed copy of what's been happening and as I'm exhausted by it all I'm going to copy and paste it below. It's not very personal but I'm taking it with me to the Citizens Advice Bureau tomorrow and I wanted to keep emotive language to a minimal so they can go "check, check, check; ok here's what we can do".

A brief introduction to this situation: Spencer woke me up two mornings in a row (various doors slamming on Monday and Tuesday) so I was very tired when I left the note asking them to leave on Tuesday night and went to bed at around 9.50pm. Spencer later threw this in my face saying that I was making excuses for leaving them a note and not talking face to face, as I'd "had all evening", when my thought process went 'I won't spoil their making/eating and enjoying their dinner - they're eating it now - I'll just hang out my wet laundry and talk to them - oh, they've gone out now' (without saying goodbye so I had no idea until the door slammed; this has become a frequent thing). I stayed in bed as long as possible on Wednesday morning and straightened my hair before leaving my room, at which point they'd left already. Spencer also used this as me "making excuses".

Here it is anyway... be warned it's a saga and a half! NB *names changed.

24th June
"(Evening) Decided to talk to lodgers about them leaving but they went out for the evening before we could have that conversation. Left lodgers a note (copied below) asking them to move out by the first weekend in August.

"Hi guys
I was going to come and talk to you after I finished with my laundry but you're out now, and I wanted you to have as much notice as possible so this is just in case I'm in bed when you get back - *DP and I talked about his living arrangements for his final year and I've asked him to move in, so unfortunately that also means I have to ask you to find somewhere else to live. His contract is up on the 15th August so I can give you until the first weekend (15th is the following Fri); 6ish weeks so hopefully that gives you plenty of time to find a new place. Let me know if I can do anything to help you! (And we can have a chat whenever it's convenient for you.)
*My name x"

[This stuff about contracts is all lies, but anything to avoid actually telling Spencer he's a horrible aggressive bully and I hope all his hair falls out and Sweetie leaves him for someone far more deserving.]

25th June
Arrived home approx. 10.45pm and asked lodgers if they had received the note. Male lodger was VERY aggressive and confrontational. Repeated several times how angry he was and argued with me about how I had approached this in the wrong way. Refused to listen to what I was trying to tell him. When I explained reasons for leaving them a note, having to repeat myself several times in response to his repetition, he said "[I'm angry that you left us a note]... that's my opinion and you're not even listening to it so we should talk tomorrow because I'm too angry now". I was left feeling very shaken by our conversation (also literally shaking because of a strong adrenalin-based reaction to his aggression and his extremely confrontational manner). My hands are still trembling at 11.17pm.

[As I said I wanted to keep emotive language to a minimum so I spared a detailed description of his extremely aggressive body language and demeanour, not to mention the red face, angry-bull-huffing-and-puffing, and extreme crazy-eyes he had going on. He literally told me that he was too full of rage to speak to me. I'll be totally honest and say that I was terrified. My hands were shaking so much that I nearly smashed my glass of water. Sweetie was silent the whole time; I don't know if she's also angry or maybe embarrassed by him?]

26th June
On the advice of my mother I went to the flat immediately after work (between 4.40-5pm) and packed some things to take to my parents' house. I left the lodgers another note, as follows:

"Hey guys
This is to let you know that I won't be back tonight as I'm staying elsewhere. I know you feel disappointed but frankly Spencer your reaction was outrageous and I'm not comfortable being around you alone at the moment. My mum and I will talk to you on Friday after work (as I said, I'm not comfortable with speaking to you alone) and we can try to work something out.
Talk to you tomorrow
*My name"

Hyperventilated and had a possible panic attack in the car as I got back in, before leaving the grounds of *apartment building. Experienced flushing, pounding heart, shaking, and extreme nausea as well as hyperventilating."

I'm at my parents' house now. I called 101 and they've logged my call as well as advised me to call 999 tomorrow the second that I feel intimidated, even when I clarified what him being "aggressive" was, because I don't want to waste police time if all he's doing is being intimidating and nasty, and not actually violent. (I won't be wasting police time, they said.)

Having spent around 4 hours in the last two days looking at advice online, if he does become intimidating I am well within my rights to give them shorter notice and change the locks, which is what I'll threaten to do (not the lock-changing part, as I don't want them knowing that, but short notice) the second he kicks off. They've paid until the end of the month so they can have until 4pm on Sunday if that's how he wants it :)

OP posts:
petalsandstars · 26/06/2014 19:13

Good luck. Maybe she'll come to mn in time about her abusive p.

shellistar · 26/06/2014 19:15

I didn't want to read and run but it sounds like you're doing the right thing, although I'm no expert!

If he starts in you again just repeat firmly and calmly "if you continue to speak to me in this manner, not only will I call the police but I will have to ask you to vacate immediately as I am well within my rights to do" and if he continues call the police and change the bloody locks.

He sounds like a total controlling prick and he's not even YOUR partner!

Here is some Cake

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/06/2014 19:16

Surely you can give him 72 hours notice if he's a lodger? Assuming no tenancy agreement? How can you possibly live with an aggressive bully for 2 more months!

Quitelikely · 26/06/2014 19:19

Aren't you worried they'll trash your house?

Hissy · 26/06/2014 19:19

You're in possession of the facts and the law. You technically can give them very short notice to quit as they are sharing your home.

Don't be intimidated out of your own home by this bully. Regroup and go back there with a CSO or police officer if poss to remind them of the law relating to threatening behaviour, and the rights of a landlord with lodgers. Tell them they can leave whenever they can if they're uncomfortable, but that you won't be intimidated in your own home.

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 26/06/2014 19:23

Just skimmed your other thread. Kick him out NOW. Sunday afternoon is fine. Also, can you bring someone to stay at the house with you until then? Don't leave the house as they may trash it but equally don't stay there alone.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 26/06/2014 19:26

You are suffering because of this man in your house. Give them until Sunday and no longer. This is not worth your health. You are being too nice! :)

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 26/06/2014 19:28

They'll find somewhere else easily enough, or can stay in a b&b for a few nights. Seriously get rid.

He is vile and you are scared in your own home.

peachgirl · 26/06/2014 19:46

Thank you everyone for your kind words. My brother is with me now and we're having a takeaway dinner - comfort treat!

petals let's hope so! Poor girl.

shellistar that's exactly what the police on 101 advised. He started off quite brusque (maybe he was having a bad evening) but once I explained the situation he was patient and told me not to hesitate to ring 999 in front of Spencer if necessary, and to keep my phone in my hand the whole time.

Quitelikely I would be, but she works for the NHS and is a very calm rational person so I've got no qualms about her. I know where he works (huge and prestigious international company), and he would not only possibly lose his job but also get a reputation because the industry is very specific. I still have their deposit, too. Thank you for your concern though, if circumstances were in any way different I would be worried.

Hissy it feels good to be certain now I've done my research. My mum is absolutely raging over the whole thing and she's said that she'll take control of the situation if I don't feel able to stand up to him. She's a real mother hen and I'm so grateful!

Ehric I know it sounds silly and it's my home but honestly right now I'm too scared of him to be around him and that means in my flat :(

FYou if tomorrow goes as I'm currently thinking it will, it'll be easy to have an excuse to turf him (sorry, them) out, as he'll be raging and I'll call 999 instantly.

OP posts:
Whereisegg · 26/06/2014 19:50

Get some male friends round, and get one to bring a drill to change your locks once they have 'helped' Spencer to leave.

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 26/06/2014 19:51

Peach, your mum sounds great. Hopefully everything will get sorted tomorrow. Even if he's not aggressive tomorrow, he's already overstepped the boundaries of reasonable behaviour, and you're well within your rights to say, "I can't live with you anymore, leave."

Good luck!

Alphabollocks · 26/06/2014 19:58

Landlord Action or similar firms deal with problem lodgers as well as tenants. Unfortunately they cost but you could check them out or another website might have some info or help. I don't advocate chucking people out willy nilly as that is playing with people's lives but this is a MAJOR exception and you need to get this bully out of the property.
Good luck.

peachgirl · 26/06/2014 20:04

Whereisegg my friend's husband is very handy and owes me a couple of jobs around the house, so that would certainly save me a bit of cash (which I could really do with at the moment). I didn't actually think of him until your post so thank you for jogging my memory!

FYou Thank you, she's great. When I was crying to her on the phone earlier, she was all, "*My name, WHO is number one? It's you, YOU are number one, take care of YOU. I don't give a shit about what he thinks and neither should you".

The thing I keep coming back to in all of this was that I felt sorry for them originally because they told me they had to find something very quickly. Maybe a similar situation happened before?

On a side note, "Angry Britain: Get Off My Land" has just started on 5*, which is about horrendous neighbours and people beating eachother up over bins etc. Rather poignant.

OP posts:
peachgirl · 26/06/2014 20:07

Thanks for the useful info Alpha, I'm of a similar thought-process (about chucking people out) but this is just too much. Sadly I now feel that he's brought it on them both.

OP posts:
Alphabollocks · 26/06/2014 20:15

www.landlordaction.co.uk/

Other similar firms are about but I found these helpful when I had a similar problem. Most people go when they receive the first letter.
(I do not work for them btw!)

BosieDufflecoat · 26/06/2014 20:27

I don't have any practical help to add, but I just wanted to say it's good to hear an update: I keep wondering how you are.

I hope the reason Sweetie was so quiet was that she was deciding in her head that this was the last straw and she's going to chuck him. I really do.

I'm very glad to hear your mum has your back, and I'm glad you have their place to stay at.

I bet you're absolutely correct in thinking that the reason they were stuck for somewhere to live at short notice last time is that he's done this before. If they ever rent somewhere that asks for references, they'll be screwed.

I'm just so sorry your house got invaded by an arsehole. Well done for getting the ball rolling. I hope they're out of there soon.

peachgirl · 26/06/2014 22:31

thanks Bosie that's very sweet of you. If I've got the energy I'll post an update tomorrow.

OP posts:
YoBitch · 26/06/2014 23:26

if you feel very frightened you need to get as many people physically there with you as possible when you tell him to leave. I know you feel like you should be able to handle the situation yourself, but this man knows he will get what he wants by shouting and being aggressive so being nice and reasonable is a waste of time. he isn't going to respect that. it's absolutely no reflection on your ability to handle him and getting frightened is just a normal instinctive response when faced with threatening behaviour.

time to round up people who will support you to be with you in your apartment, and together you can make a stand against this arsehole. this man will unfortunately only understand and respond to someone/people he cannot intimidate.

I really feel for you xx

Cerisier · 27/06/2014 00:39

Another one here who is pleased to read an update. As others say you shouldn't be intimidated in your own home so he has to go this weekend. Get people to help as he has no respect for you. It sounds like the Police are being very understandin so don't delay phoning them if he threatens you.

plinkyplonker · 27/06/2014 13:35

Oh my goodness. If you were my friend, you and I would be evicting this awful man from your flat today! Do try and get him out ASAP.

I had lodgers for over 15 years and have had to turf out a few tossers. Generally the ones who get aggressive use their unpleasantness to try and intimidate into buying themselves time and feeling like they are in control. I expect him to try and make some grand gesture - he will leave before the date you have given but only when it suits him (and not give you any clue when it is either) and he's VERY likely to try and cause you some shit - whether it's damage to the flat or whatever. Please pre-empty him and get him gone this weekend.

plinkyplonker · 27/06/2014 13:35

*pre-empt

FuckYouChrisAndThatHorse · 27/06/2014 15:49

Good luck for today! I agree with the pp who said that this is the reason they were in such a hurry last time.

Your mum sounds kick-ass :o

Set her loose on him.

And tell Sweetie she can do so much better than this controlling arse.

notapizzaeater · 27/06/2014 15:55

What a nasty bully Angry

hellsbellsmelons · 27/06/2014 16:53

Good grief.
Get your mum to take over as of now.
She'll go round there and kick his arse I've no doubt.
I know I would if it was my DD being put in a position like this.
I really hope all is calmer today and you get them out asap.
He sounds feckin' deranged.
I really hope his poor GF gets rid soon as well.
Although she's probably terrified of him too.

Lndnmummy · 27/06/2014 19:46

How did you get on op?

Swipe left for the next trending thread